we had a conference last weekend. it was beyond amazing. Heidi stated something that really struck me. she said that "if all you want is Jesus, then you struggle with the orphan mentality. if you did not have the orphan mentality, you would want things." that really struck a chord. how many times have i said "all i want is you Jesus." i caught myself saying that last night, saying "God, all i want is your heart". and i heard a prompt reply: "you have my heart! you have always had it!" which led me to know..... what else could i want?
so many people get hung up on "the anointing" and having a title.\i have had people at work call in and INSIST that we use their title "prophetess" or "apostle" or "minister"... that drives me absolutely insane. you are human, you are man, you are woman, before you have a title that deems you as a "minister". i will refer to you as human before i ever refer to you as "minister" or whathaveyou. because without the title, without the fluff and "shaba"s, thats all we really are anyways, right? is bare, shameful humanity that can only be saved by the grace of God. bare, raw humanity that God just calls unto himself. thats the beauty of grace. it transforms us from a ripped apart, scarred, bruised, broken human to something beautiful that only God can recreate. did you know that caterpillars have to "die" before becoming a butterfly? did you know that they have to go into hiding, into a secret place by themself so they can be transformed into their glory? they have to basically digest themselves so the cells can recreate a new body and wings. isnt that amazing? it shows how vulnerable a butterfly is. they have to die in order to be restored. they have to go into a place of shame, of utterly being alone, so they can live. God's been teaching me alot about butterflies. ive been seeing them everywhere. they always like to fly over my car. the yellow ones come around alot.
the conference really reset me. i have been struggling alot in my life, looking at people and at circumstances to define who i was and how i based my decisions. I have had my life totally revamped since Heidi's sessions when she spoke about breaking orphan mentalities, about reckless abandonment. about letting him kiss me to death and love me to life. let him revive me. God spoke alot this weekend about depending on Him alone. one day i was laying on the ground and could hear God saying, "if i had replaced this person or that person in your life, you never would have learned to depend on me..." that was earthshaking! if we are whole and healed completely... then we would not need God's wrecking! we would not need Him if we were "in one piece". how long i have asked God to "fix me". to "heal" me..... and i didnt realize that if i was ever totally perfected that I would not need Him alone for everything. that is the place i want to get to, where I utterly and completely cannot survive or function without Him. that is the heart i want is one of desperate abandonment. of utter recklessness and heartache without Him. to have the thought of not being with God every second of every day to be one thought that would shatter me. to have the complete lovesickness that God has for me to be one that i love Him with.i heard a quote this weekend "Love God as much as you yourself want to be loved". that is so heart-wrenching. we are made in the image of God, so if we want to be loved, fought for, pursued- fiercely---especially as women-- isnt that how GOD HIMSELF wants to be loved!? isnt that a crazy thought? women, you know what im talking about. you know how it is to want to be recklessly loved.... that's what God wants. the pursuer of my heart is showing me how he wants to be pursued! he is the one who wants to be romanced, to be on the beach under the moon and listening to the water lapping up-- i have never felt closer to God than when i was in Maine at the beach at 10pm with the moon shining bright, totally alone on the beach, with the waves lapping up. that is the best feeling in the world. that is my heart. i just stood there barefoot and loved every second. i was completely at peace and could hear things going on on the boardwalk but i was so tuned out that i was hearing the songs of heaven louder than i was hearing the yelling of kids.
i have cut off several relationships lately because of what they were doing to my relationship with God. they were a distraction. they were in the way completely.they were in the way of my knowing my place in God's heart.
I had a dietician appointment this week for deficiencies and to see what im allergic to--- and it was a good chunk of change by the time i was done. i didnt pay for it but i felt extremely guilty of taking that much money for my health. my aunt knew what i was thinking and stopped it immediately "your health is worth it. stop belitting yourself". i felt super guilty for some reason! like i wasnt worth that much money, that my health wasnt worth the huge chunk of change. i still feel guilty to an extent but its just proving how much of an orphan mentality that i have still. it just proves that i dont understand the concept of "letting dad pay for it". my roommate said "isnt that what kids do, they spend their dad's money! youre supposed to!" i NEED to let that happen, i need to let myself get uncomfortable with it so i know i actually am worth it. after so long of thinking i am literally nothing, i am "scum"--- i dont know how to let myself go or let people spend money on me. even if its for good cause. like my health. very hard lesson but i guess thats the point....
anyways. just ponderings....
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
tongues.
so.... im back to "reality". i had the best time this past weekend though... i had fun. i laughed so hard i got a headache and my face hurt. at the same time. yea. i talked to so many people, got to know them, hung out..... yea. best weekend ever. we have so many ridiculous jokes.
i work at a Christian Call Center in Fort Mill. I was asked several times the last 2 weeks to pray for people who want the gift of tongues-- which was sparked by a minister who we work with. I even was asked by a man to speak in tongues so he could repeat it because he was "a little nervous". I refused (and later found out that several others were asked the same thing by this man). I told him... "I can speak in tongues and, yes, i believe in tongues, but I will not speak it to you because I feel uncomfortable, and Its something that the Holy Spirit alone will do and it will not be sparked by another person". Tongues is not something that we just start saying without the Holy Spirit initiating---- and sometimes tongues is not necessarily our spiritual gift. sometimes the Lord does not bestow that gift on certain people. Tongues is not something we may understand but its not something we NEED to understand either. The Holy Spirit made people speak in tongues in Acts 2. check this out as well:
Tongues is only ONE of these gifts. not the only gift of being baptised with the Holy Spirit. Tongues is not synonymous or proof of the Holy Spirit's presence in your life, and Tongues is not a gift to be sought after-- its a GIFT, not a right or even a requirement.
anyways, my 2 cents....
i work at a Christian Call Center in Fort Mill. I was asked several times the last 2 weeks to pray for people who want the gift of tongues-- which was sparked by a minister who we work with. I even was asked by a man to speak in tongues so he could repeat it because he was "a little nervous". I refused (and later found out that several others were asked the same thing by this man). I told him... "I can speak in tongues and, yes, i believe in tongues, but I will not speak it to you because I feel uncomfortable, and Its something that the Holy Spirit alone will do and it will not be sparked by another person". Tongues is not something that we just start saying without the Holy Spirit initiating---- and sometimes tongues is not necessarily our spiritual gift. sometimes the Lord does not bestow that gift on certain people. Tongues is not something we may understand but its not something we NEED to understand either. The Holy Spirit made people speak in tongues in Acts 2. check this out as well:
God's various gifts are handed out everywhere; but they all originate in God's Spirit. God's various ministries are carried out everywhere; but they all originate in God's Spirit. God's various expressions of power are in action everywhere; but God himself is behind it all. Each person is given something to do that shows who God is: Everyone gets in on it, everyone benefits. All kinds of things are handed out by the Spirit, and to all kinds of people! The variety is wonderful:
wise counsel
clear understanding
simple trust
healing the sick
miraculous acts
proclamation
distinguishing between spirits
tongues
interpretation of tongues.
All these gifts have a common origin, but are handed out one by one by the one Spirit of God. He decides who gets what, and when.-- 1 Cor. 12:4-11 MSG
Tongues is only ONE of these gifts. not the only gift of being baptised with the Holy Spirit. Tongues is not synonymous or proof of the Holy Spirit's presence in your life, and Tongues is not a gift to be sought after-- its a GIFT, not a right or even a requirement.
anyways, my 2 cents....
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
i got that faith....and the dresser.
so... i got the dresser. yea. its blue. its beautiful. im so excited. God totally dropped in my lap. its a coordinating bedside table, dresser (6 drawers) and mirror. its fully functional. i got it for free. yea. i know. im blessed :) i painted it and finished it in three days.it looks great with the drawer pulls.
anyways.
i leave in three days for my beach weekend with Pastor Bonnie and the ladies at All Nations Church. im so excited. i cant even tell you. ive been so anticipating this weekend for literally 2 years. i wanted to go so bad last year but it didnt work out. This year, i KNEW i was going. I KNEW how bad I wanted to go, and God basically wrote the check for me. and God was the one who MADE me decide that i was going to make the effort to go, and do it. i just want to spend time with ANC women, to just SPEND TIME being a member of the church and to love it. Im so thankful that I am. I just celebrated my one year anniversary of being at ANC and i am so thankful. that God led me there, that God brought amazing spiritual parents into my life where I dont have parents around in SC, God gave me an awesome family of wonderful spiritual mentors, sisters, brothers-- a FAMILY-- the family that I miss having. I had that family at MCC and I loved it. Its what kept me (partially) sane. it kept me mostly sane, actually. I miss having that constant support system and all the love around. I honestly dont know where i would be without MCC-- the dance team, the laughter, sleepovers, parties, prayer meetings, constant love.....-- and now i literally would lose my mind if it werent for ANC. This church means SO much to me, its not even funny. I love that the members of this church recognize me for being an adult. MCC, i grew up there so its strange to think that i am a woman now with my own goals and dreams and what I want to do and be.... cause i was there for so long. i got a fresh start at ANC, and I started right. I am so glad i was mature when i started coming (well, mostly mature). I just know that God brought me to ANC and now that I am actually IN it and living in it ( when i can)--- its amazing how God is bring opportunities for me to get more involved. I get messages alot from coordinators asking me to volunteer my time, I get even more responsibility at conferences and its wonderful. i love it. I love being able to just serve in that area. I love that I can serve the people at ANC, the staff and--- most importantly- my pastors. I have such a high amount of respect for both of them. I admire and look up to them so much and i am so thankful that they see me for me. I am thankful that they hold me to a high standard-- non verbally, of course-- but still a high standard. I literally was a mess when i came to them. Thank God for smart pastors. Dr. Bonnie saw the ailment, had her "ah-ha!" moment, and promptly put me on a strict, long term prescription for constant "healing from on high" scripture to be played in my room as i slept- specifically her husband speaking out scripture. I played that CD every night for about 5 months. things dramatically improved. I was thrust into "rehab"-- a home with 5 girls and a house mama. for 6 months, i lived, ate and BREATHED in restoration. I gained sisters, a SC mama.... and a dog. who loves me. HAHA. thats when i realized really how much the Lord loves me. its a process---- but its proof.
anyways. yea. im excited. so theres my testimony/exposition.
other than that..... im just really evaluating my life right now.... been so busy with work and stuff, im exhausted. im sick of living for me right now. i want to live for Him. and Him alone. cause isnt that what it all boils down to?
is HIM.
yea. i know. i thought so. i need sleep. :) night!
anyways.
i leave in three days for my beach weekend with Pastor Bonnie and the ladies at All Nations Church. im so excited. i cant even tell you. ive been so anticipating this weekend for literally 2 years. i wanted to go so bad last year but it didnt work out. This year, i KNEW i was going. I KNEW how bad I wanted to go, and God basically wrote the check for me. and God was the one who MADE me decide that i was going to make the effort to go, and do it. i just want to spend time with ANC women, to just SPEND TIME being a member of the church and to love it. Im so thankful that I am. I just celebrated my one year anniversary of being at ANC and i am so thankful. that God led me there, that God brought amazing spiritual parents into my life where I dont have parents around in SC, God gave me an awesome family of wonderful spiritual mentors, sisters, brothers-- a FAMILY-- the family that I miss having. I had that family at MCC and I loved it. Its what kept me (partially) sane. it kept me mostly sane, actually. I miss having that constant support system and all the love around. I honestly dont know where i would be without MCC-- the dance team, the laughter, sleepovers, parties, prayer meetings, constant love.....-- and now i literally would lose my mind if it werent for ANC. This church means SO much to me, its not even funny. I love that the members of this church recognize me for being an adult. MCC, i grew up there so its strange to think that i am a woman now with my own goals and dreams and what I want to do and be.... cause i was there for so long. i got a fresh start at ANC, and I started right. I am so glad i was mature when i started coming (well, mostly mature). I just know that God brought me to ANC and now that I am actually IN it and living in it ( when i can)--- its amazing how God is bring opportunities for me to get more involved. I get messages alot from coordinators asking me to volunteer my time, I get even more responsibility at conferences and its wonderful. i love it. I love being able to just serve in that area. I love that I can serve the people at ANC, the staff and--- most importantly- my pastors. I have such a high amount of respect for both of them. I admire and look up to them so much and i am so thankful that they see me for me. I am thankful that they hold me to a high standard-- non verbally, of course-- but still a high standard. I literally was a mess when i came to them. Thank God for smart pastors. Dr. Bonnie saw the ailment, had her "ah-ha!" moment, and promptly put me on a strict, long term prescription for constant "healing from on high" scripture to be played in my room as i slept- specifically her husband speaking out scripture. I played that CD every night for about 5 months. things dramatically improved. I was thrust into "rehab"-- a home with 5 girls and a house mama. for 6 months, i lived, ate and BREATHED in restoration. I gained sisters, a SC mama.... and a dog. who loves me. HAHA. thats when i realized really how much the Lord loves me. its a process---- but its proof.
anyways. yea. im excited. so theres my testimony/exposition.
other than that..... im just really evaluating my life right now.... been so busy with work and stuff, im exhausted. im sick of living for me right now. i want to live for Him. and Him alone. cause isnt that what it all boils down to?
is HIM.
yea. i know. i thought so. i need sleep. :) night!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
again... its been awhile.
Hey there. i know, its been awhile since ive written anything. ha. sorry.
So, as some of you know, its been a crazy past few months. i havent had time to breathe. let alone blog. I moved yesterday into a house of girls, again. i needed to be with girls the entire time. i moved into a much bigger room with a walk in closet (which is actually now full of CRAP because of all my moving boxes, one day these will all be cleaned up!! i need more sterilites!) i literally walked in the door, saw the house and the room that i am now in, saw the closet and was SOLD. I signed the papers, went back to the house i was living in, and packed it all, and moved all the stuff over and unpacked in about 6 hours. yea. wow. im still amazed and the adrenaline rush is finally slowing down!! i didnt know i could move all my CRAP over in about 6 hours. its just amazing, i so was praying about being with girls. the Lord knows what i need. and he was more than happy to provide. the girls are great. theres a family of 4, and then 4 girls (2 are m* students). the only thing i need right now is a dresser/bureau. i really would like one that i can paint myself. i am currently having all my clothes in sterilite boxes and i dont like that. i need a dresser, Jesus. thanks.
so yea thats kind of what Jesus has been teaching me lately. about having this ridiculously mustard seed sized faith-- but the fact that its a tiny seed, it can produce a much bigger harvest. when we have the faith just to say, "HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS. AND HE HAS THAT MATTER IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND. HIS GREAT LOVE COVERS IT ALL AND WE CAN REST IN THE FACT THAT HE KNOWS AND HE IS TAKING CARE OF IT...." wow! wow wow wow!! what a joy!
what really has been huge lately in my life is Jesus' perfect sacrifice, this sacrifice that Abba made for us who were broken, abused, messed up, addicted to drugs, angry, alone.. he made the sacrifice for those who would never accept his perfect gift of love, too. those who outright reject JESUS, are still loved. its incredible what I have as a free gift in Jesus, yet I sometimes completely flip it around and say how much I am hated and how alone I am--- yet Jesus is completely overtaken by love for me--- He holds my world in His hands. He holds my tears in His hands even though i sometimes outright rejected Him.He CHOOSES to forget my faults and my guilt. and he still calls me His!! wow!! that truth overwhelms me to my core. i am so thankful for a merciful God who is completely and desperately in love with me, literally to the point of death!! I love that He is planning our wedding, knowing that just about anything He does will knock me off my feet! i cant wait to see Him face to face.
so anyways :) thats whats up. just the usual, ya know. work. i leave for the ANC Womans retreat in a bit less than 2 weeks and i am STOKED. completely STOKED. I dont really know what I am looking for in this but i do know that i need some beach time for real. i have been aching for a beach for about 2 years now...
Jesus, you are so good. i love you.
So, as some of you know, its been a crazy past few months. i havent had time to breathe. let alone blog. I moved yesterday into a house of girls, again. i needed to be with girls the entire time. i moved into a much bigger room with a walk in closet (which is actually now full of CRAP because of all my moving boxes, one day these will all be cleaned up!! i need more sterilites!) i literally walked in the door, saw the house and the room that i am now in, saw the closet and was SOLD. I signed the papers, went back to the house i was living in, and packed it all, and moved all the stuff over and unpacked in about 6 hours. yea. wow. im still amazed and the adrenaline rush is finally slowing down!! i didnt know i could move all my CRAP over in about 6 hours. its just amazing, i so was praying about being with girls. the Lord knows what i need. and he was more than happy to provide. the girls are great. theres a family of 4, and then 4 girls (2 are m* students). the only thing i need right now is a dresser/bureau. i really would like one that i can paint myself. i am currently having all my clothes in sterilite boxes and i dont like that. i need a dresser, Jesus. thanks.
so yea thats kind of what Jesus has been teaching me lately. about having this ridiculously mustard seed sized faith-- but the fact that its a tiny seed, it can produce a much bigger harvest. when we have the faith just to say, "HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS. AND HE HAS THAT MATTER IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND. HIS GREAT LOVE COVERS IT ALL AND WE CAN REST IN THE FACT THAT HE KNOWS AND HE IS TAKING CARE OF IT...." wow! wow wow wow!! what a joy!
what really has been huge lately in my life is Jesus' perfect sacrifice, this sacrifice that Abba made for us who were broken, abused, messed up, addicted to drugs, angry, alone.. he made the sacrifice for those who would never accept his perfect gift of love, too. those who outright reject JESUS, are still loved. its incredible what I have as a free gift in Jesus, yet I sometimes completely flip it around and say how much I am hated and how alone I am--- yet Jesus is completely overtaken by love for me--- He holds my world in His hands. He holds my tears in His hands even though i sometimes outright rejected Him.He CHOOSES to forget my faults and my guilt. and he still calls me His!! wow!! that truth overwhelms me to my core. i am so thankful for a merciful God who is completely and desperately in love with me, literally to the point of death!! I love that He is planning our wedding, knowing that just about anything He does will knock me off my feet! i cant wait to see Him face to face.
so anyways :) thats whats up. just the usual, ya know. work. i leave for the ANC Womans retreat in a bit less than 2 weeks and i am STOKED. completely STOKED. I dont really know what I am looking for in this but i do know that i need some beach time for real. i have been aching for a beach for about 2 years now...
Jesus, you are so good. i love you.
Monday, March 28, 2011
update!
its been nearly two months since my last blog and for that i apologize. i honestly have not really had any real motivation to blog. is that terrible?
I really have been "diggin" the message version of the Bible lately. It is just so life-transforming, i know now why it is such a huge thing in the church. it just isnt about the exact translation of the Bible.... its just so clearly contexted that it seems like its wrong translation and i think its a big source of people getting "offended" because its just such a wierd way of translating the Bible.(people, by the way, i have noticed, get way too offended by way too much and they need to calm down. wanna slap some of em.) its also one of the biggest life transforming versions of the Bible. its ridiculously easy to read.
Take, for instance, this: Psalm 46-
I love this portion of scripture. i love the phrase "God of the Angel Armies"... and most of the references to God in the Message are as that-- which made me excited when i got the Bible. God has really been just amazing me with his goodness lately. He is just so good. and so loving. i love reading this Bible and seeing JESUS in a new light and reading it as if im watching this movie about Jesus via text in a Bible. its just so awesome. God has been really talking to me alot about my identity as well lately. I got this awesome set of words back about a month ago at a conference at church. Bobby Connor said a profound word about him seeing more of my identity. it just struck me cause thats exactly what God had said to me the night before when i went through a fire tunnel (and caught on fire because i was SO HOT , i could feel steam rising off me)... God said to me, himself, "i am going to be transforming your identity." the next day, Bobby said that to me. in front of my entire church. i have been rocked since that weekend. just a few weeks ago, Bonnie (love that woman) said that she saw something else about my identity. She said that she saw my dreams that have been given up---as a seed that has fallen to the ground and that when it hits the rock, it splits and out grows my identity. amazing. so awesome. i am so thankful for her. she said to me (just a minute after telling me that word) that she prays for me every day. i can feel her prayers every day. i think about her alot. to know that she is praying for me and my family, who she knows is not here with me....wow.... and she knows me by name, which is just--wow- cause she is internationally known.... but that makes me think about how God thinks about me all the time! HE, the king of the world, creator of the universe, healer, deliverer, redeemer, protector----- thinks about me and watches me 24/7!! !WOW what a concept. makes me feel so little. i love it. God watches out for the sparrow and for his children. OH HOW HE LOVES!!
check out this song, which i just love: (JesusCulture and Chris Quilala)
God has been really speaking to me alot about IHOPKC. I need to just go pray for a few months. it has really been testing my faith too because i really want to just go pray for a few months but i literally am terrified about not being able to pay bills. i know that is the dumbest fear in the world because-- as i said, the Lord will never leave his children if HE has called them. so my fear about money is really minor in God's eyes. i have alot of bills right now so i guess i cant see past the end of my checkbook--- but i literally am scared to not work. i think its cause my dad has a huge work ethic so it is ingrained into me and its part of my DNA. at the same time, i know that it wont last forever and the only thing that really counts in the end is our relationship with God----so, as you can see, I am torn. my heart breaks when i think about the virgins with the oil lamps when Jesus said to them "i do not know you." so im really thinking. some things have opened up to me in terms of a place to live even for a couple weeks this summer. so i am thinking about it, i really am. its just a hard debate, because of said work.
i am attending a women's retreat in May, one year to the date of my joining ANC, which is just amazing. cant believe have been there as a member for a whole year. i am so excited about this women's retreat. I wanted to go last year and was almost not able to go this year but God has pretty much MADE me go. God was like "remember how bad you wanted to go last year? I want you to go this year. you need a beach retreat with women and especially with Mama. I provide for every need that you have...." well, yea, he does! it costs about $225 to go and as of right now, i am completely paid off and im READY! i did it very quickly and i am amazed at how easily i paid for it. its hard because taxes are due too so i am kind of crunched but i know it is very much worth it. i need this time. it is worth it to pay $225 to hear pastor Bonnie speak for two days. she is priceless and i am loving hearing her speak at any given time.im just really excited. i am driving 3 women in my new car (which, i did get-- the Nissan Maxima...) and im really excited to hear testimonies and get to know the women better in the church.
other than that... just family stuff is going on....brother issues but i know that God has a way where there seems to be no way at all and i am so thankful. the Lord is so good and so providing. I love what i do for work ( a christian call center,,, crazy callers but i like it overall--- and the gym, of course).
people have been asking me about potentials for marriage/dating/etc... NO. thats pretty much all i should say. the Lord has NOT said its ok. in fact, He said just the opposite.so before you go asking me if i have found a husband........ no. just no. theres no one here who God has brought, he has told me a few times that he is JEALOUS for my attention right now and that my GOAL is to be HIS LOVER. He has asked me to pursue and love HIM as if HE is the ONLY husband ill ever have.He literally asked me to do that. so, no, there is no one who is in my life in that way. a few cute little panfishies but no real catches! :) sorry, wedding planners! and, at this rate, i dont really care anyways..... just doesnt affect me anymore.
i had the women who came to visit me and kidnap me to bring me to ANC when i first started going.... BEST visit ever. love those women...... they light up my life. just such a blessed conversation, made me realize how much i miss my friends-- and btw, im going to try to go to VT this summer sometime. i hope. :)
the Lord is so good and i just love him...he continually amazes me.... and that's about the summary of THAT.....
hopefully itll be less than two months til my next post. HA. sorry, kids.
I really have been "diggin" the message version of the Bible lately. It is just so life-transforming, i know now why it is such a huge thing in the church. it just isnt about the exact translation of the Bible.... its just so clearly contexted that it seems like its wrong translation and i think its a big source of people getting "offended" because its just such a wierd way of translating the Bible.(people, by the way, i have noticed, get way too offended by way too much and they need to calm down. wanna slap some of em.) its also one of the biggest life transforming versions of the Bible. its ridiculously easy to read.
Take, for instance, this: Psalm 46-
1-3 God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.
Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.
4-6 River fountains splash joy, cooling God's city,
this sacred haunt of the Most High.
God lives here, the streets are safe,
God at your service from crack of dawn.
Godless nations rant and rave, kings and kingdoms threaten,
but Earth does anything he says.
7 Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.
8-10 Attention, all! See the marvels of God!
He plants flowers and trees all over the earth,
Bans war from pole to pole,
breaks all the weapons across his knee.
"Step out of the traffic! Take a long,
loving look at me, your High God,
above politics, above everything."
11 Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us
I love this portion of scripture. i love the phrase "God of the Angel Armies"... and most of the references to God in the Message are as that-- which made me excited when i got the Bible. God has really been just amazing me with his goodness lately. He is just so good. and so loving. i love reading this Bible and seeing JESUS in a new light and reading it as if im watching this movie about Jesus via text in a Bible. its just so awesome. God has been really talking to me alot about my identity as well lately. I got this awesome set of words back about a month ago at a conference at church. Bobby Connor said a profound word about him seeing more of my identity. it just struck me cause thats exactly what God had said to me the night before when i went through a fire tunnel (and caught on fire because i was SO HOT , i could feel steam rising off me)... God said to me, himself, "i am going to be transforming your identity." the next day, Bobby said that to me. in front of my entire church. i have been rocked since that weekend. just a few weeks ago, Bonnie (love that woman) said that she saw something else about my identity. She said that she saw my dreams that have been given up---as a seed that has fallen to the ground and that when it hits the rock, it splits and out grows my identity. amazing. so awesome. i am so thankful for her. she said to me (just a minute after telling me that word) that she prays for me every day. i can feel her prayers every day. i think about her alot. to know that she is praying for me and my family, who she knows is not here with me....wow.... and she knows me by name, which is just--wow- cause she is internationally known.... but that makes me think about how God thinks about me all the time! HE, the king of the world, creator of the universe, healer, deliverer, redeemer, protector----- thinks about me and watches me 24/7!! !WOW what a concept. makes me feel so little. i love it. God watches out for the sparrow and for his children. OH HOW HE LOVES!!
check out this song, which i just love: (JesusCulture and Chris Quilala)
God has been really speaking to me alot about IHOPKC. I need to just go pray for a few months. it has really been testing my faith too because i really want to just go pray for a few months but i literally am terrified about not being able to pay bills. i know that is the dumbest fear in the world because-- as i said, the Lord will never leave his children if HE has called them. so my fear about money is really minor in God's eyes. i have alot of bills right now so i guess i cant see past the end of my checkbook--- but i literally am scared to not work. i think its cause my dad has a huge work ethic so it is ingrained into me and its part of my DNA. at the same time, i know that it wont last forever and the only thing that really counts in the end is our relationship with God----so, as you can see, I am torn. my heart breaks when i think about the virgins with the oil lamps when Jesus said to them "i do not know you." so im really thinking. some things have opened up to me in terms of a place to live even for a couple weeks this summer. so i am thinking about it, i really am. its just a hard debate, because of said work.
i am attending a women's retreat in May, one year to the date of my joining ANC, which is just amazing. cant believe have been there as a member for a whole year. i am so excited about this women's retreat. I wanted to go last year and was almost not able to go this year but God has pretty much MADE me go. God was like "remember how bad you wanted to go last year? I want you to go this year. you need a beach retreat with women and especially with Mama. I provide for every need that you have...." well, yea, he does! it costs about $225 to go and as of right now, i am completely paid off and im READY! i did it very quickly and i am amazed at how easily i paid for it. its hard because taxes are due too so i am kind of crunched but i know it is very much worth it. i need this time. it is worth it to pay $225 to hear pastor Bonnie speak for two days. she is priceless and i am loving hearing her speak at any given time.im just really excited. i am driving 3 women in my new car (which, i did get-- the Nissan Maxima...) and im really excited to hear testimonies and get to know the women better in the church.
other than that... just family stuff is going on....brother issues but i know that God has a way where there seems to be no way at all and i am so thankful. the Lord is so good and so providing. I love what i do for work ( a christian call center,,, crazy callers but i like it overall--- and the gym, of course).
people have been asking me about potentials for marriage/dating/etc... NO. thats pretty much all i should say. the Lord has NOT said its ok. in fact, He said just the opposite.so before you go asking me if i have found a husband........ no. just no. theres no one here who God has brought, he has told me a few times that he is JEALOUS for my attention right now and that my GOAL is to be HIS LOVER. He has asked me to pursue and love HIM as if HE is the ONLY husband ill ever have.He literally asked me to do that. so, no, there is no one who is in my life in that way. a few cute little panfishies but no real catches! :) sorry, wedding planners! and, at this rate, i dont really care anyways..... just doesnt affect me anymore.
i had the women who came to visit me and kidnap me to bring me to ANC when i first started going.... BEST visit ever. love those women...... they light up my life. just such a blessed conversation, made me realize how much i miss my friends-- and btw, im going to try to go to VT this summer sometime. i hope. :)
the Lord is so good and i just love him...he continually amazes me.... and that's about the summary of THAT.....
hopefully itll be less than two months til my next post. HA. sorry, kids.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
God loves me, even though I'm crazy.
Been awhile :)
the last few weeks have been a total whirlwind of activity. they have really been some of the craziest weeks of my life. between a full work schedule (even more than full), errands and normal life stuff, i have had to move and get a new car figured out all at the same time. I moved this past Saturday, only taking three car loads (all i have) of stuff, and i got it all in. the people are great, i just really miss my girls a lot and i miss Duke, and its really hard to separate from the Wagner house of girls. its definitely a time of transition and I have a feeling God is separating me right now so that all that healing that happened on Wagner can now manifest. It was a very healing time and It was very very good. its just very intense to digest, especially six months in a "retreat" type home.
i work at a call center during the day. it definitely has its ups and downs, and the people are awesome, don't get me wrong. i love it. but there are for sure some crazy callers. I had a guy call yesterday who requested prayer because he was convinced that the enemy had a incredible stronghold over his life (And im sure, with the amount that he was talking about the enemy, that the enemy DOES have a huge stronghold.) I hate to say this, but with the rate that the enemy was being glorified by that man, you would think that the guy WANTED to be possessed. seriously. im not kidding. the guy was completely talking about the enemy having control over his finances, over everything in his life, how he was trying to kill him, etc. I asked the man, "you do know that the Lord is stronger than that, right?" and the man said "yes, i know" then he lept right back into the bad stuff, I felt SO incredibly slimy! what my heart was screaming was, "DO YOU KNOW THAT EVERYTIME YOU MENTION THE ENEMY's NAME, HE IS GLORIFIED? STOP! STOP! JUST STOP!" i was sickened by the amount that the enemy was being glorified and talked about. i felt so sick. the enemy needs to just be left alone! be aware of the enemy but dont talk about him having strongholds, that just lets the enemy know that you are SPEAKING that into existance!
i get other crazy callers, too. suicide calls, calls of dad's finding their 12 year old sons doing bad things in their parents room (really), husbands cheating on wives, homelessness, starvation... the list goes on. its a normal thing to have a sob story. its sad, but its true. it happens. but as i listen to these callers, i realize why the Lord has various types of ministries, and why the church system works. we are all crazy! we all have our crazy little habits, our little pet peeves, our little quirks and stuff.... yet God adores us.my brain goes about 300 miles an hour most of the time (except for right after i wake up) and slow people drive me nuts (thats what is the most irritating about some of the callers, too, they are 95 years old and have no idea how to read a credit card. very irritating sometimes.)yet somehow,some way, God has this crazy love for the little quirky people. those people who never had a "traditional" life. God has this crazy space in His heart for those who have been orphaned or left by one parent, ive noticed. God really loves the orphans. and those who work with orphans see that! Heidi sees that, with her hundreds of children in the bush. George Mueller. the orphans in Asia. God loves the orphans! and those who run the orphanages are the crazy ones too!! there is no such thing as "NORMAL" or "STATUS QUO" anymore.
i dont really know where im going with this. anyways.
everytime you think you are a little off your rocker, thats ok. its normal to not be normal :) dont feel bad. God loves you anyways.
:)
the last few weeks have been a total whirlwind of activity. they have really been some of the craziest weeks of my life. between a full work schedule (even more than full), errands and normal life stuff, i have had to move and get a new car figured out all at the same time. I moved this past Saturday, only taking three car loads (all i have) of stuff, and i got it all in. the people are great, i just really miss my girls a lot and i miss Duke, and its really hard to separate from the Wagner house of girls. its definitely a time of transition and I have a feeling God is separating me right now so that all that healing that happened on Wagner can now manifest. It was a very healing time and It was very very good. its just very intense to digest, especially six months in a "retreat" type home.
i work at a call center during the day. it definitely has its ups and downs, and the people are awesome, don't get me wrong. i love it. but there are for sure some crazy callers. I had a guy call yesterday who requested prayer because he was convinced that the enemy had a incredible stronghold over his life (And im sure, with the amount that he was talking about the enemy, that the enemy DOES have a huge stronghold.) I hate to say this, but with the rate that the enemy was being glorified by that man, you would think that the guy WANTED to be possessed. seriously. im not kidding. the guy was completely talking about the enemy having control over his finances, over everything in his life, how he was trying to kill him, etc. I asked the man, "you do know that the Lord is stronger than that, right?" and the man said "yes, i know" then he lept right back into the bad stuff, I felt SO incredibly slimy! what my heart was screaming was, "DO YOU KNOW THAT EVERYTIME YOU MENTION THE ENEMY's NAME, HE IS GLORIFIED? STOP! STOP! JUST STOP!" i was sickened by the amount that the enemy was being glorified and talked about. i felt so sick. the enemy needs to just be left alone! be aware of the enemy but dont talk about him having strongholds, that just lets the enemy know that you are SPEAKING that into existance!
i get other crazy callers, too. suicide calls, calls of dad's finding their 12 year old sons doing bad things in their parents room (really), husbands cheating on wives, homelessness, starvation... the list goes on. its a normal thing to have a sob story. its sad, but its true. it happens. but as i listen to these callers, i realize why the Lord has various types of ministries, and why the church system works. we are all crazy! we all have our crazy little habits, our little pet peeves, our little quirks and stuff.... yet God adores us.my brain goes about 300 miles an hour most of the time (except for right after i wake up) and slow people drive me nuts (thats what is the most irritating about some of the callers, too, they are 95 years old and have no idea how to read a credit card. very irritating sometimes.)yet somehow,some way, God has this crazy love for the little quirky people. those people who never had a "traditional" life. God has this crazy space in His heart for those who have been orphaned or left by one parent, ive noticed. God really loves the orphans. and those who work with orphans see that! Heidi sees that, with her hundreds of children in the bush. George Mueller. the orphans in Asia. God loves the orphans! and those who run the orphanages are the crazy ones too!! there is no such thing as "NORMAL" or "STATUS QUO" anymore.
But God's grace quickly frustrates all such dreams. A great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves, is bound to overwhelm us as surely as God desires to lead us to an understanding of genuine Christian community. . . . The sooner this moment of disillusionment comes over the individual and the community, the better for both. . . . Those who love their dream of a Christian community more than the Christian community itself become destroyers of that Christian community even though their personal intentions may be ever so honest, earnest, and sacrificial. -- D.Bonhoeffer
i dont really know where im going with this. anyways.
everytime you think you are a little off your rocker, thats ok. its normal to not be normal :) dont feel bad. God loves you anyways.
:)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
six months ago.
so, as some of you know..
my beloved house is no longer a home to all of us. we are all moving, all seperating. i have lived with about 7 other females in the last 6 months- 2 Emily's, Liz, Amber, Alora, Lashonne, and Liv. I cant believe how much I have changed, too. I moved in after a long season of being in a very emotionally hard time with a crazy living situation. I was vulnerable, blamed myself for alot, especially family stuff, i was very insecure about my identity, and was very much closed up. the last six months have opened me to so much, especially after what happened 2 years ago (almost 3) when i went through a time of shutting myself down and into a hole. I had a bad work situation, i was very much a "private person". i enjoyed time to myself. alot. too much.
the girls changed me alot. God changed me alot through the girls. I remember one sunday, the Chavda's were speaking at church and had us repeat something about our identity (something along the lines of "I am loved by Him" or something??) and I did not repeat it. i didn't say anything. Lashonne noticed and passed a note and i replied back "yea, i know i didnt say it. its cause i cant stand myself." she then just said "im sorry you say that. im praying".
if it weren't for these girls, I dont know what i would do. God is so strong.
we've done Bible studies, done a hannukah party, christmas parties, 4th of July cookout together at ANC, movies (TONS), ice cream, talking at the kitchen counter, laughed like fools, cooked together, shopped, made coffee, collaged.... wow. i am overwhelmed, and totally thankful for these girls. Em Lewin told me that i needed to be "delivered from the spirit of BS" when i told her that i still blamed myself for stuff that i didnt even do- when i was 5. and now, i realize how pathetic that must have sounded.
I was walking out to go to work this morning, and I happened to see the huge shoe mark that is on the ceiling of the room that Lewin was actually sleeping in. We found a huge spider in the crack of the wall, and we (Am, Em, and I) all were fighting about who would NOT kill it. we didnt want to. but we knew we had to get rid of it! we then found a sneaker of Em's, and Am did a George of the Jungle with it, flinging it and screaming, totally missing the spider. Em finally hit the spider, i grabbed Croc and whacked it-- when it was crawling in her purse. yea. yea. i know. but it made me have a flashback for real. I missed that night.
another night, i came in from a conference at church and totally fell in a Jesus drunken stupor into Em's room (its right by the front door). i proceeded to lay there for about 2 hours while she laughed at me and played guitar. It was so fun.
Olivia's French press, deep discussions with Liz, Amber shoving me off my bed and us fighting and teasing each other like we grew up together. the guitar playing, Ariel and I looking at cars online..... I love you girls so much.. i don't know what i would do. i loved sitting together as a huge group at ANC, getting lunch together, my birthday party! heck, how could i forget that?! that was so fun.
I have had so many adventures in this house. mostly, i am so thankful for the grace and the joy that God has given me for living here, not that it needed a ton of grace, but the privilege of living here is amazing.I am so grateful that God let me be a part of it all. im so grateful. it has been a gift, and i will never be the same.
God has really been showing me alot about how he is faithful, throughout the ages. the same God of Paul, David, Moses, Solomon, the ancients of the Promised land, Noah, Adam and Eve--- the same God, He is MY God! its overwhelming. the same God who they looked for in the cloud by day and fire by night, who they saw in the sky, in the stars, the same God who gave David the wisdom of using rocks to kill his enemy-- that SAME GOD is MY God! and he LOVES me so much. that boggles my mind. alot.
he has my best interest in mind. he loves me. he wants the best for me. and HE is my faithful provider.
...mmmm yup.
i love Jesus. Jesus absorbed all the wrath of God, so that I can be eternally LOVED by God! God has no more wrath-- and instead, my ashes are now beauty.instead of wallowing in CRAP, I can now stand strong in my salvation.
He is FAITHFUL, HE KNOWS. and i Love Him SO Much.....
my beloved house is no longer a home to all of us. we are all moving, all seperating. i have lived with about 7 other females in the last 6 months- 2 Emily's, Liz, Amber, Alora, Lashonne, and Liv. I cant believe how much I have changed, too. I moved in after a long season of being in a very emotionally hard time with a crazy living situation. I was vulnerable, blamed myself for alot, especially family stuff, i was very insecure about my identity, and was very much closed up. the last six months have opened me to so much, especially after what happened 2 years ago (almost 3) when i went through a time of shutting myself down and into a hole. I had a bad work situation, i was very much a "private person". i enjoyed time to myself. alot. too much.
the girls changed me alot. God changed me alot through the girls. I remember one sunday, the Chavda's were speaking at church and had us repeat something about our identity (something along the lines of "I am loved by Him" or something??) and I did not repeat it. i didn't say anything. Lashonne noticed and passed a note and i replied back "yea, i know i didnt say it. its cause i cant stand myself." she then just said "im sorry you say that. im praying".
if it weren't for these girls, I dont know what i would do. God is so strong.
we've done Bible studies, done a hannukah party, christmas parties, 4th of July cookout together at ANC, movies (TONS), ice cream, talking at the kitchen counter, laughed like fools, cooked together, shopped, made coffee, collaged.... wow. i am overwhelmed, and totally thankful for these girls. Em Lewin told me that i needed to be "delivered from the spirit of BS" when i told her that i still blamed myself for stuff that i didnt even do- when i was 5. and now, i realize how pathetic that must have sounded.
I was walking out to go to work this morning, and I happened to see the huge shoe mark that is on the ceiling of the room that Lewin was actually sleeping in. We found a huge spider in the crack of the wall, and we (Am, Em, and I) all were fighting about who would NOT kill it. we didnt want to. but we knew we had to get rid of it! we then found a sneaker of Em's, and Am did a George of the Jungle with it, flinging it and screaming, totally missing the spider. Em finally hit the spider, i grabbed Croc and whacked it-- when it was crawling in her purse. yea. yea. i know. but it made me have a flashback for real. I missed that night.
another night, i came in from a conference at church and totally fell in a Jesus drunken stupor into Em's room (its right by the front door). i proceeded to lay there for about 2 hours while she laughed at me and played guitar. It was so fun.
Olivia's French press, deep discussions with Liz, Amber shoving me off my bed and us fighting and teasing each other like we grew up together. the guitar playing, Ariel and I looking at cars online..... I love you girls so much.. i don't know what i would do. i loved sitting together as a huge group at ANC, getting lunch together, my birthday party! heck, how could i forget that?! that was so fun.
I have had so many adventures in this house. mostly, i am so thankful for the grace and the joy that God has given me for living here, not that it needed a ton of grace, but the privilege of living here is amazing.I am so grateful that God let me be a part of it all. im so grateful. it has been a gift, and i will never be the same.
God has really been showing me alot about how he is faithful, throughout the ages. the same God of Paul, David, Moses, Solomon, the ancients of the Promised land, Noah, Adam and Eve--- the same God, He is MY God! its overwhelming. the same God who they looked for in the cloud by day and fire by night, who they saw in the sky, in the stars, the same God who gave David the wisdom of using rocks to kill his enemy-- that SAME GOD is MY God! and he LOVES me so much. that boggles my mind. alot.
he has my best interest in mind. he loves me. he wants the best for me. and HE is my faithful provider.
...mmmm yup.
i love Jesus. Jesus absorbed all the wrath of God, so that I can be eternally LOVED by God! God has no more wrath-- and instead, my ashes are now beauty.instead of wallowing in CRAP, I can now stand strong in my salvation.
He is FAITHFUL, HE KNOWS. and i Love Him SO Much.....
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