Thursday, December 23, 2010

in the silence.

So, as some of you know, my car died. completely. 2 weeks ago. I was at an intersection in Pineville (between my house and my work), and Beatrice decided that she had enough of living and decided to finish her life right in the middle of the intersection. I thought, ok, its freezing, i may be low on gas. I ended up getting a gas can from another driver and trying to fill it up, nope. there was a cop behind me, and he tried to jump my car with my roommate's. nope. so, thus, my car sat in the Bassett Furniture store parking lot for 3 days until I could get a tow truck to get it to my mechanic friend. mechanic said it was totally shot. I borrowed a friends car for a week, and have been pretty desperate in the search to find a new one for myself. looking online, talking to the mechanic about the best options, talking to my dad and my dad's best friend..... its been a very hectic 2 weeks. VERY hectic.
i went to a car sales place in Rock Hill yesterday. the guy who had a Sentra that i was looking at was really rude, but i decided to check out the car anyways. I brought the sentra up to the mechanic, brought it back, and there were a million things wrong with the car. I was searching yesterday for certain cars, and just couldnt find "the one". I had borrowed my roommates car for the day in hopes of finding one... seeing as I am on a time crunch and really need to find a car as soon as i can, to no avail.
Very, VERY, VERY frustrated with myself for pretty much wasting my entire day off looking at cars unsuccessfully, and very irritated cause i couldnt find "the one", I just started bawling. right in my roommates car. I was so beyond tired, and annoyed at this point i didnt even care. I hadnt slept (still havent) in about a week, and so frustrated because I really didnt even know where to look.... i was just sobbing in the car. so frustrated. I didnt even know. I was just like "God, i need a car. i give up searching.i HATE depending on people for rides and, especially so close to Christmas, i have way too much to do right now...."
i felt the Spirit of God so thick in that just fell as soon as i said that. I instantly felt such a "WHOOSH!" of the Father just looking at me and saying to my anxious heart that has yelled in desperation to him so many times before, "I have your back! you know i love you, you know i have the one. I cant give it to you unless you surrender it to me!"
suddenly there was such a peace about it all.
I came home and was kind of excited actually, knowing it was just around the corner....
lo and behold, my dad's best friend is going to look at a Nissan Maxima this morning, which is the best deal we have found thus far, and I have a really good feeling about it. heck, it even has a sun roof... and thats a secret thing that i would really love.
and, its only $1k above what we were intending to spend.
im just praying right now to see if its THE ONE. if so, i may have a new car in my possession/my driveway before new years.
all because God just told me to give up this entire thing.
His presence is so thick and so strong.... and i just love Him so much. He brings my heart such joy. my world, my schedule, my life is crazy insane right now with work and this car thing and now a few other major things....but every day he just refreshes my tired body and soul.... and i just live day by day.... its teaching me real dependency on Him.
it sucks sometimes but its so worth it.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

in the valley.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
"And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me 'My Husband,' and no longer will you call me 'My Baal.' For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. Hosea 2.14

My lovely pastor spoke today about the valley.
It's been the story of my life for about 3 years now.
where i am in the desert, in the valley and i can hear God's heart whispering to me "come away... come away...." but i so often ignore that voice, "ill get to it later".he calls, not begging or pleading, but longing. he wont pull us there, he will draw us there. we will WANT to go into that place. its when we are desperate, when we are shunned by the world, called forsaken, called forgotten, we have stage 4 cancer, our family is falling apart, we are at our wits end-- then he calls us away. we dance in the wilderness. we dance with HIM in the wilderness. he says to our hearts, in its fragments and broken pieces, "its ok. you are safe here. this is intimacy with me. you are safe. i see you in your broken places. i love you, oh i see those tears and i have them in a bottle. you are safe. you can be yourself and i will love you for it."there, we lean into his embrace as he holds us close to his heart. we rest our weary head on his shoulder and he teaches us how to pray. he carries us through the dryness. we are carried through the valley, he refreshes us with his living water. we speak another language.
and we survive. we learn real intimacy with the Lord and we are never the same. it changes us, it changes our hearts. we learn how to cry and know we are being heard.
and we are never the same.
the Lord has brought me through so many valleys, where i just cant "feel" Him. Where i feel overwhelmingly lost, confused and broken, asking, "where are you? why do i feel so alone?" But, then, he has never left me. it was in the silence that he was speaking.
Jason Upton has a song that always penetrates deep into my heart:

it always gets me so much how the Lord speaks to our deepest places. He speaks to me alot as I'm falling asleep in a dark room. Its very intimate conversations. I feel so refreshed after. He speaks and I just ponder, think, write. thats when i can feel the kiss of heaven on my forehead.
the funny thing? that time of deep intimacy with the Lord usually comes when i am in an intense crises in my life. when something is wrong, then he lures me away from it so i can lean on my beloved.
that ends up being a permanent "lean", so we end up like this bride in Song of Solomon.
Who is that coming up from the wilderness,
leaning on her beloved? (Songs 8.5)

i really dont know where im going with this but i just like how God is speaking stuff to me about it all. i need to just sit and journal.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


It is no more crazy than a dog finding a rainbow. Dogs are colourblind, Gretchen. They don't see colour. Just like we don't see time. We can feel it, we can feel it passing, but we can't see it. It's just like a blur. It's like we're riding in a supersonic train and the world is just blowing by, but imagine if we could stop that train, eh, Gretchen? Imagine if we could stop that train, get out, look around, and see time for what it really is? A universe, a world, a thing as unimaginable as colour to a dog, and as real, as tangible as that chair you're sitting in. Now if we could see it like that, really look at it, then maybe we could see the flaws as well as the form.---- Stuart, from Kate and Leopold

Ive been thinking alot about time. time passes so fast, yet we cant see it-- like in the quote above.
It is my 21st birthday. Really, im kinda shocked. But you know what? I'm still the same person. I have the same skin color, eyes, bones, organs, muscles, brain, blood type, veins, heart-- the same ones i was born with. the only thing that has changed them is time. as i get older (with time), they change a little bit, aging and being changed by my surroundings. But you know what else? in our lives, the thing that majorly changes, affects our attitudes, situations, reactions, how we talk to others-- that change takes place in our spirits. We live, remember things, laugh, cry, think and communicate through our spirits. we can say "ive changed so much", but in actuality, its your spirit that has changed. it goes from glory to glory.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. -1 Corinthians 3:18

Have you ever seen Kate and Leopold? I love that movie. In this movie, a man from the 21st century is hurled into the 19th century by jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge. He is followed back to the 21st century by a man who is actually his great great grandfather who eventually invented the elevator. Heres the summary:
Meg Ryan stars as Kate McKay, a modern female executive in New York City whose drive to succeed in the cutthroat corporate world has left little time for romance. When her genius ex-boyfriend Stuart (Liev Schreiber) opens a portal in time, the experiment transports Leopold (Hugh Jackman) from 1867 to the present day. A charming bachelor and the royal "Third Duke of Albany" in his own time, Leopold is fascinated by the 21st century. As the courtly Leopold and the decidedly liberated Kate tour the town, a mutual attraction develops into something deeper, a relationship that's threatened by Leopold's temporary chronological status--

In this movie, Kate and Leopold are hanging out in NYC, and in one scene (in the 21st century), Leopold sees his childhood home (the beginning of the movie was taking place in the house). he goes inside and sees that it has changed 200 years later. He finds a childhood treasure box, his mirror and his quarters. It has changed to become a children's room, as it appears. He sees it and realizes that time has changed the surroundings. the room is the same since he was in there (chronologically 200 years prior), the mirror is in the same place, its just a different time. time has changed. (theres a trippy scene later that Kate is looking into the mirror at the same "time" as Leopold, who was looking into it to prepare for his 1876 ball, the scene switches between them and between time, even if the mirror is the same)... it really makes you think about how you spend YOUR time when you are going day by day, the daily grind. I heard a quote once that said,
"I dont want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well" -Diane Ackerman

I really dont want to do this:
Lisa Alther: "Just as you began to feel that you could make good use of time, there was no time left to you."

I want to make my life count. I dont want to look back 4 years from today, knowing the things i want to do this year never got done. I want to do everything I can to not waste the time God has given me on the earth.

check out this sick time lapse video:

how are you going to live today to make YOUR time count?

Sunday, October 31, 2010

October. and Hephzibah.

Its November 1 already? well..... heres a pro-side, ill be 21 in less than 24 hours. :)

October was an insanely amazing month full of God's grace and provision. God was constantly showering me with love. He dropped $500 on me, i got to see my family, there were crazy things that were happening with family when they were here (free parking...), i recently found out that i can be put back on my dad's insurance (no more for me!), God basically paid my insurance this month, and ive had an interview for a new job (just praying that goes through), prophetic words that God was teaching me how to cook and write without lines and He is showing me color again... just amazing, little blessings here and there. just amazing.

on the flipside, God was also speaking to me alot about Hephzibah. not only was the scripture being randomly flipped open when i opened the Bible... it was this scripture:

Isaiah 62:4 (Amplified Bible)

4You [Judah] shall no more be termed Forsaken, nor shall your land be called Desolate any more. But you shall be called Hephzibah [My delight is in her], and your land be called Beulah [married]; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married [owned and protected by the Lord].

BUT Then.... the wierd parts.... i would see the word EVERYWHERE.... in fact, just tonight at the Morningstar harvest fest a guy was reading as part of a prophetic word to another girl.... then my friend went to a Hephzibah house in NYC a couple weeks ago... my other friend Olivia wrote a blog on IHOPKC and i went to read it and the title was Hephzibah... just word after word after word. i love how that happens. i would look up in the room and that word would be on the wall, i would read a book and the word would be in the book. WHAT? really? honestly? HEPHZIBAH? but i mean, come on. it signifies something HUGE. His delight is in ME. HIS delight is in me. His DELIGHT is in me. His delight IS in me. His delight is IN me. His delight is in ME. WOW. DANG. when you really think about it, its powerful. its intense. its crazy to think about. HIS DELIGHT IS IN ME. I delight Him! i make him GIDDY with joy! HE cant contain himself! with who? me? wretched soul? really? yes! thats the amazing thing.and i say, "heck, no, God. Im so not worth your attention". and hes like "oh yea, ya are. really. you are. YOU ARE SAFE HERE. THIS PLACE IN MY HEART IS SAFE". i am learning about the safety of his heart, hes just not going to drop me after he finds something gross in my life.He's just gonna go after it, burn it, and move on. He just loves me that much. cause HE delights in me. i wrote that word on my arm in pen the other day, on my wrist. HEPHZIBAH. that was a very anointed day. God was all over that. I looked at it and saw the significance and i have a picture on my phone of it on my wrist.

amazing huh? its just mindboggling what it means and when we apply just rocks my world. i love my Jesus. GOD, teach me how to love you even more. teach me how to be obsessed with you.

the words of this song are awesome but the tune is whacked so ill spare you and just share the lyrics:

Beckah Shae
Hebrew: Hephzibah (My delight is in you)
Isaiah 62

So I woke up in the morning, with only one word on my mind.It was given to me in my sleep, and I knew I just had to find,The meaning, the answer,The reason for this mystery.Oh, and I knew it came from you,Cause I felt this overwhelming peace.
You said I am a Crown of Splendor!You said I am a Royal Diadem in your hand!
You’ve called me Hephzibah.You’ve called me Hephzibah.I’m no longer forsaken,Oh but to know! That you delight in me,And you call me Hephzibah.
So I was once desperately, insecure and desolate,With damaged dignity,In all my sins and faults and bruises.Trying to find my beauty, seemed impossible to me.Till you came and took my shame,And dressed me up in your Glory.
What magnificent exchange,You’ve adorned me with Your name.Your beauty for my sin.And here I stand not just forgiven,But dressed in royalty, as you rejoice over me,As a bridegroom for His bride.Now I can see you and how you really see me.

He is really taking me through an intense season of identity and healing right now just from stuff in the past that has held me back and the things in my heart that i or others have been set on me. i was with my housemate and two of her friends tonight at their house (ive been with them before..), and it just felt GOOD. God was like "go ahead, be YOURSELF and nothing less". it was just fun. we just watched a movie. but I felt at home. i dont know. God is just beautiful. Hes in a season right now of just restoring relationships and circumstances in my heart and in my life. its harvest in my heart and i can feel it. Jesus, you rock.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

youve ravished my heart. i want you. i love you. i delight in you.

Thank you Bekah for this song. it has wrecked my world. God has completely been speaking alot about love lately. theres been an increased season of harvest and favor on my life just this month- tremendous increase of finances, God basically paying my bills for me, little things just coming up that end up being a total answer of prayer- and i can feel God's heart just saying "i love you. i love you. you ravish me. you delight me. you are mine. Will you marry me? i don't regret choosing you. i am not shocked by your struggle. i am not disgusted or ashamed of you. you are my vessel, you are my chosen one. i will bring you to the end in strength. i see a strength in you when you can only see weakness in your life, but i see the end from the beginning. you barely just begun! so few will ever fight the good fight, even if you feel you are losing....." its just been total words of affirmation from the Lord. an amazing amount of favor on my life has been just tremendous. The Lord's hand is strong and mighty to save. He loves!! He is just LOVE. Real Love doesn't compromise! Abba doesn't compromise! He wants the best for His children! for His bride. He is not asleep, like an unresponsive man who sits in his chair all day and sleeps, responsive only when we wake him and when we need something- no, God watches His kids! His Bride! We have ravished his heart and he is overcome by his creation. its amazing really. its completely messing up my desires. any desire to even get married eventually (to an earthly husband) has been completely crucified. I am overtaken though! i don't even care! The Lord has taken me away into His garden and I am overcome with Him! His Love has overcome! His love has possessed my heart! His love has overcome my core! He has grabbed my heart and is doing surgery on it--- He is my cardiologist! He has ravished my heart and I have ravished His! He has made His proposal to me and I have accepted. He is so jealous for me right now, I am just feeling it so intensely. I feel waves of fire whenever i see Him, i see Him in his throne with waves of fire. i have to let my intellecutalism go everytime i think of Him. i used to have to take "hours" to get rid of the "block".... and i just have to unscrew my head now. the gospel is so simple! its so easy! its so THERE, we just have to be willing to sacrifice it all when we see it, and when we REALLY see it, its not a sacrifice, its more a desire to let everything go.


Saturday, October 16, 2010

you violently chase me, down to embrace me.

The Lord has really really been speaking to me alot about love. about incessant, everlasting, real love. LOVE that never fails. He is really showing me about how HE loves ME. I was watching a clip from the passion when he is carrying his cross up that hill, the hill of Golgotha where he would breathe his last---- and in the entire clip-- i saw nothing but love. what does love look like? what does that word mean? incessant, never-changing love. the love that pursues, the love that tracks us down. the love that draws us. shows us that he really is all we need. when we are looking at nothing but turmoil all around us, the love that makes us look up to heaven and call upon the name of the one who is never changing. the kind of love that makes us look a little crazy, sometimes neurotic. the love that makes us pursue this invisible God, the love that makes us look at the stars and see the amazing constellations-- to scream at the top of our lungs, "GOD, YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!" the love that makes us WANT to go to a disease ridden country, with witches and sorcery and crazy laws---- just so we can go LOVE on them like HE loves on us. The Love that suddenly makes the Bible just come alive. The Bible has become so alive lately to me. i read about Jesus and i just smile-- "THIS MAN IS MY LOVE! THIS JESUS THEY TALK ABOUT, ACCUSED, WHO HEALED AND PROVIDED--- THIS IS MY LOVE! THIS IS MY ETERNAL ONE! THIS IS MY HOPE!" He is so faithful!! we sometimes never see that. this love that literally made our chains fall off, the knives fell out of our hands and we stopped bleeding inside. the love that we feel tingling on our back when we sit out at the lake with a full moon. the love that suddenly rises to joy. we realize that His love is really all that matters and we can suddenly laugh in the middle of any situation-- financial, family- whatever is going on, we can LAUGH in that place! we can see JOY in that place-- and laughing breaks the curse! joy breaks the curse of any bondage the devil is trying to throw at us. we are NOT to partake in suffering when we are walking in joy. we have to laugh! we have to laugh in the face of the enemy when he throws crap at us. what does love look like?

check out this song:

“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been pondering
“What does love look like?”
“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been asking of You

I once believed that love was romance, just a chance
I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful
I once believed that love was a momentary bliss
But love is more than this
All You ever wanted was my attention
All You ever wanted was love from me
All You ever wanted was my affections, to sit here at Your feet

Then I sat down, a little frustrated and confused
If all of life comes down to love
Then love has to be more than sentiment
More than selfishness and selfish gain

And then I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes
And I began to weep and weep

He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding

Love’s definition, love’s definition was looking at me
Looking at Him, hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep

This is how I know what love is, this is how I know what love is

And as I sat there weeping, crying
Those beautiful eyes, full of desire and love

He said to me, “You shall love Me, You shall love Me
You shall love Me, You shall love Me”

With arms wide open, a heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding

If anybody’s looking for love in all the wrong places
If you’ve been searching for love, come to Me, come to Me
Take up your cross, deny yourself
Forget your father’s house and run, run with Me
You were made for abandonment, wholeheartedness
You were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so follow Me
And You’ll come alive when you learn to die

oh jesus, what does your love look like? to the starving, its bread. to the thirsty, its water. to the orphan, its family. to the broken, its the lonely, its a hug.....

just continue to pour it out, sweet Lord.... how i love you!

Sunday, August 1, 2010


"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal." Isaiah 26:3-4

so.I've really been meditating on the word "Steadfast". It's been really getting to me. mostly about how, not only is God steadfast in His love for us, but we need to be more and more steadfast in our love for Him as well.
We can define steadfast as this:

stead·fast also sted·fast
1. Fixed or unchanging; steady.
2. Firmly loyal or constant; unswerving.

check out these verses about steadfastness:
2 Chronicles 27:6
Jotham grew powerful because he walked steadfastly before the LORD his God.

Psalm 51:10
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Psalm 57:7
My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music.

Psalm 108:1
My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul.

Psalm 111:7-8
The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy. They are steadfast for ever and ever, done in faithfulness and uprightness.

Psalm 112:6-8
Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever. He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.

Psalm 119:4-6
You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands.

Isaiah 26:3-4
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.

1 Peter 5:9-11
Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Steadfast love does not waver, it does not shake. it is solid. it is firm, unshakeable. it is unquenchable, untamable, undeniable. it is strong. it is steady. it reaches for you. it longs for you. it died for you. it protects, guides, leads, fights for you. it brings you joy, and it holds you in grief. it doesnt diminish with the difficulty of the days, it does not back off if you cop an attitude. steadfastness of heart comes with the challenges that the world faces and that we face in the world. the steadfastness of the Lord will never falter or shake. we can have all the riches in the world or be a leper on the gates of the city ,and the Lord is still faithful. always steadfast. yearns, cries out for us to come to Him alone in the throne of Grace.

Ive been struggling lately with the state of the church. After a particulartly beautiful church service today, i got on facebook only to see a ton of just sickening stuff and distracted hearts. When will we rise up, awaken, see the glory of the Lord? to know his LOVE? he has been speaking to me about that lately. HE really has been speaking Love over me.
its beautiful.

anyways. thats my thoughts. any takes?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

ive been inspired. i havent had a blog since i was in high school, but lately all ive heard is BLOG this, BLOG that, either from magazines, friends.... so, ive been inspired to start again, not to mention that sometimes i just really REALLY want to write something, not just in my journal though.

in this, i will probably do a "Challenge" at the end of some entries that i do, just to get you thinking. i wont be cheesy and do a "devotional" thing like id do to a youth group.

today i wrote a long letter. i havent done that in a long, LONG time. especially if its a letter for someone else. but its a new thing now i think. it was a 5 page long letter, written to a very special leader in my life. she is just a beautiful spirited person, and i just really felt the Lord wanted to encourage her. she has led hundreds of thousands of people to Christ, witnessed miracles, prayed with thousands, loves people like you wouldn't believe, and somehow, the Lord has let her be in my life. i just really felt like the Lord was saying, "yes, she has an anointing, she is married to a wonderful husband, and has witnessed me work in so many ways, but she gives her all and that never gets appreciated by some people, especially who she pours out herself to". so i wrote her a letter of appreciation. sometimes we all just need a nice long letter. its not intended to flatter. its intended to strengthen. give confidence to them. let them know that someone notices how much they give. i found a joy, a new appreciation, for both her and for letter writing. the fact that i was writing more in one hour than i ever thought possible, made me smile. to get everything out on paper. now, i will probably edit it, but i like it for now. i felt the Lord speaking through me directly to her heart. we all need encouragement, from the homeless man on the street all the way to the President. we all need to feel appreciated, to feel like we hold value to another, to feel we have someone rooting for us. we can see millions of people healed, saved, receive breakthrough, but if we can't have someone rooting for us, we will not be able to go on strong. we will go discouraged. it sounds SO cliche, and completely overused. but its something that we need to do, especially at the end of the age.

When they had preached the gospel to that city and had made many disciples, they returned to Lystra and to Iconium and to Antioch, strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue in the faith, and saying that through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God. And when they had appointed elders for them in every church, with prayer and fasting they committed them to the Lord in whom they had believed. Then they passed through Pisidia and came to Pamphylia. And when they had spoken the word in Perga, they went down to Attalia, ...(Acts 14:21-28)

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29)

In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ Acts 20:35

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, 20 by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Heb. 10:19-25

challenge: i challenge you to write one letter to someone today, just tell them that you love them, tell them that they rock your world. if you do that regularly, do it to someone you wouldn't otherwise do it to. that very well may save their life.