so i have recently started the book "Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. it is to DIScover and REcover your creative self that has been shut down by circumstances, even by our own permission to let "ourselves" kind of die in that area or to be putting our creative ability on a back burner. i did my "tasks" for the first week today..(there's a list of 10+ "tasks" weekly...either writing or a practical and hands on thing....in addition to "morning pages" which is 3 pages of stream of consciousness writing....first thing in the morning....and also a good 10 pages of info to read and interact with...lists and stuff integrated...its an intense amount of writing!).. and it WRECKED me. Julia uses a Christian/ spiritual perspective to write her book. as thought provoking or painful as this book may be-- it really is such a good read/study. it is very challenging emotionally at parts. i had to really think about what circumstances i went through that shut down my creativity. ART is of GOD and i let it die for 4 years. yea. i know. 4 years. its barely recovering now. the Lord has done ALOT to work and recover it and its definately not where it should be. art is my weakness. a good piece of art, not even painting but ANY art- collage, scrapbooking, pottery..... is my weakness. so I had to really think and i was really feeling that i should write down a page of what i was telling myself that was making my creativity blocked. every negative comment, i wrote it on one page. then the next page (this took up one spread of a special sketchbook i bought for this course) i wrote all the TRUTHS and affirmations that i needed to believe or that was really the truths of who i am and what i need to be hearing and saying. on the "lies" page, this was the junk that the "core negative beliefs" were speaking. after i wrote these, i took a big black sharpie--- and it was SO hard to do but I wrote LIES across the page. in sharpie. in big letters. like 7 times. but it was such a release. and as hard as it was, I had to be the one LETTING THESE VOICES GO. i had to be the one BREAKING IT OFF. if i didnt choose to stop listening- they would continue to speak. these voices come from the LOGIC side of the brain that is also associated with MATH/SCIENCE...its the "thinking" side that I overuse!) this voice is the voice of a strict parent or teacher who lied and said "you cannot do this." on the 2nd page (positive affirmations) i wrote the GOOD things... that i am CREATED to create, i am created to artistically describe the heart of God. OH HOW WRECKED I GOT OVER THIS self made exercise! It wasnt even a task in the book and i did it and felt amazing release. the other pages i wrote were big bad scary monsters who came and jumped out of my artistic closet and shut down my art side. my little kid who i didnt let out to play because i was thinking "I AM TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!" or "I AM NOT ENOUGH!" ouch! the whole darn exercise hurt!
so i was at the watch 3 hours later (tonight) and I was writing in my journal (which i have to make myself do now because i WANT TO DO all these artsy things but i slack too much!!) and suddenly was hit with this idea. God was bored before he made the earth. God is the one who created artists and funny people.God has a hysterical time creating future artists and comedians. i think God is absolutely hilarious. so I was wondering "were YOU bored before creating the earth? before creating me? my friends> my family members? before creating the galaxies??" it kind of hit me. I told Him i would really love to see how he made a sunrise and how it looks painted and it just seemed like a fun thing to do while i was asleep at 4 am so he started whipping out an easel ( that is like 3000000 miles long) and telling clay to make itself (because he didnt want to make it himself) so he could color. so as i peel myself out of bed, he is painting this amazing picture so as i go walking in the morning i will have this AWESOME looking sunrise to zone out to as i listen to Rita Springer and work out this body (That HE also made with some dirt, water and air.. all of which he made... yea..... this creativity stuff is amazing). then it struck me, i dealt with an intense self hatred for like 6 years or more and it just is ending now but i can say im over it (finally thank the Lord). I was hearing this: "Hannah, what if you made a really amazing clay pot. what if you made this pot the best you could ever possibly make it and put your heart and soul into it, you put everything you are into it, its all shiny and its blue and it looks gorgeous. its YOURS. you love it. you love to use it, you love to play with it, you love to display it.you love to drink from it. what if one day that pot had a personality and decided it hated itself. what if it decided that because it was not PERFECT (ok, there was a minor chip in the handle or something tiny), that it was ugly and unusable and that it was not worth using, that the pot HATED itself. that the pot, even though it knew it was your pot, it was thinking it was absolutely disgusting and that it was not worth using.but you love that pot, dont you? you made it? you would be so grieved in your heart but you would tell the pot to get over itself because it is beautiful and you made it so that is enough....SAME WITH YOU! i made you (my pot) and you are beautiful because you are MINE!
i have no idea why i got so sloshed off this tonight! its not even like its a new thing but the DESCRIPTION that was used (the pot) was INCREDIBLE. it really got me. i journaled off this and got WRECKED.
new truth: i was created to create.i was made to make. i am made in the image of an artist. art is my therapy. art is where my heart is at. my heart is in recovery to do exactly what it was made to do- to create.
this radiated in my heart after this lesson:
1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.”
theres so many ART projects i want to work on now that i am letting myself be creative. I AM LETTING MYSELF LET GO which is the biggest battle of all!! its the biggest, strongest struggle-- to LET MYSELF GO. so i let go. i am letting myself be creative, i CHOOSE to shut down the voices in my head- not to "inspire someone" but to be someone who allows the Lord to use them as a vessel:
2 Corinthians 4.7: However, we possess this precious treasure [the divine Light of the Gospel] in [frail, human] vessels of earth, that the grandeur and exceeding greatness of the power may be shown to be from God and not from ourselves.
and to speak LOVE to the Lord by doing what He made me to do. I am working on a scrapbook right now, in addition to the journals i make, knitting, pastels, DANCE, and learning guitar.... mostly this scrapbook that the Lord told me to make.....
so, thus we begin....12 weeks of painful art heart surgery but I know the Lord told me to get this book so he can work through it to recover my heart... after all, he is a creative heart surgeon!! :)