we had a conference last weekend. it was beyond amazing. Heidi stated something that really struck me. she said that "if all you want is Jesus, then you struggle with the orphan mentality. if you did not have the orphan mentality, you would want things." that really struck a chord. how many times have i said "all i want is you Jesus." i caught myself saying that last night, saying "God, all i want is your heart". and i heard a prompt reply: "you have my heart! you have always had it!" which led me to know..... what else could i want?
so many people get hung up on "the anointing" and having a title.\i have had people at work call in and INSIST that we use their title "prophetess" or "apostle" or "minister"... that drives me absolutely insane. you are human, you are man, you are woman, before you have a title that deems you as a "minister". i will refer to you as human before i ever refer to you as "minister" or whathaveyou. because without the title, without the fluff and "shaba"s, thats all we really are anyways, right? is bare, shameful humanity that can only be saved by the grace of God. bare, raw humanity that God just calls unto himself. thats the beauty of grace. it transforms us from a ripped apart, scarred, bruised, broken human to something beautiful that only God can recreate. did you know that caterpillars have to "die" before becoming a butterfly? did you know that they have to go into hiding, into a secret place by themself so they can be transformed into their glory? they have to basically digest themselves so the cells can recreate a new body and wings. isnt that amazing? it shows how vulnerable a butterfly is. they have to die in order to be restored. they have to go into a place of shame, of utterly being alone, so they can live. God's been teaching me alot about butterflies. ive been seeing them everywhere. they always like to fly over my car. the yellow ones come around alot.
the conference really reset me. i have been struggling alot in my life, looking at people and at circumstances to define who i was and how i based my decisions. I have had my life totally revamped since Heidi's sessions when she spoke about breaking orphan mentalities, about reckless abandonment. about letting him kiss me to death and love me to life. let him revive me. God spoke alot this weekend about depending on Him alone. one day i was laying on the ground and could hear God saying, "if i had replaced this person or that person in your life, you never would have learned to depend on me..." that was earthshaking! if we are whole and healed completely... then we would not need God's wrecking! we would not need Him if we were "in one piece". how long i have asked God to "fix me". to "heal" me..... and i didnt realize that if i was ever totally perfected that I would not need Him alone for everything. that is the place i want to get to, where I utterly and completely cannot survive or function without Him. that is the heart i want is one of desperate abandonment. of utter recklessness and heartache without Him. to have the thought of not being with God every second of every day to be one thought that would shatter me. to have the complete lovesickness that God has for me to be one that i love Him with.i heard a quote this weekend "Love God as much as you yourself want to be loved". that is so heart-wrenching. we are made in the image of God, so if we want to be loved, fought for, pursued- fiercely---especially as women-- isnt that how GOD HIMSELF wants to be loved!? isnt that a crazy thought? women, you know what im talking about. you know how it is to want to be recklessly loved.... that's what God wants. the pursuer of my heart is showing me how he wants to be pursued! he is the one who wants to be romanced, to be on the beach under the moon and listening to the water lapping up-- i have never felt closer to God than when i was in Maine at the beach at 10pm with the moon shining bright, totally alone on the beach, with the waves lapping up. that is the best feeling in the world. that is my heart. i just stood there barefoot and loved every second. i was completely at peace and could hear things going on on the boardwalk but i was so tuned out that i was hearing the songs of heaven louder than i was hearing the yelling of kids.
i have cut off several relationships lately because of what they were doing to my relationship with God. they were a distraction. they were in the way completely.they were in the way of my knowing my place in God's heart.
I had a dietician appointment this week for deficiencies and to see what im allergic to--- and it was a good chunk of change by the time i was done. i didnt pay for it but i felt extremely guilty of taking that much money for my health. my aunt knew what i was thinking and stopped it immediately "your health is worth it. stop belitting yourself". i felt super guilty for some reason! like i wasnt worth that much money, that my health wasnt worth the huge chunk of change. i still feel guilty to an extent but its just proving how much of an orphan mentality that i have still. it just proves that i dont understand the concept of "letting dad pay for it". my roommate said "isnt that what kids do, they spend their dad's money! youre supposed to!" i NEED to let that happen, i need to let myself get uncomfortable with it so i know i actually am worth it. after so long of thinking i am literally nothing, i am "scum"--- i dont know how to let myself go or let people spend money on me. even if its for good cause. like my health. very hard lesson but i guess thats the point....
anyways. just ponderings....
