God loves me, even though I'm crazy.

Been awhile :)
the last few weeks have been a total whirlwind of activity. they have really been some of the craziest weeks of my life. between a full work schedule (even more than full), errands and normal life stuff, i have had to move and get a new car figured out all at the same time. I moved this past Saturday, only taking three car loads (all i have) of stuff, and i got it all in. the people are great, i just really miss my girls a lot and i miss Duke, and its really hard to separate from the Wagner house of girls. its definitely a time of transition and I have a feeling God is separating me right now so that all that healing that happened on Wagner can now manifest. It was a very healing time and It was very very good. its just very intense to digest, especially six months in a "retreat" type home.
i work at a call center during the day. it definitely has its ups and downs, and the people are awesome, don't get me wrong. i love it. but there are for sure some crazy callers. I had a guy call yesterday who requested prayer because he was convinced that the enemy had a incredible stronghold over his life (And im sure, with the amount that he was talking about the enemy, that the enemy DOES have a huge stronghold.) I hate to say this, but with the rate that the enemy was being glorified by that man, you would think that the guy WANTED to be possessed. seriously. im not kidding. the guy was completely talking about the enemy having control over his finances, over everything in his life, how he was trying to kill him, etc. I asked the man, "you do know that the Lord is stronger than that, right?" and the man said "yes, i know" then he lept right back into the bad stuff, I felt SO incredibly slimy! what my heart was screaming was, "DO YOU KNOW THAT EVERYTIME YOU MENTION THE ENEMY's NAME, HE IS GLORIFIED? STOP! STOP! JUST STOP!" i was sickened by the amount that the enemy was being glorified and talked about. i felt so sick. the enemy needs to just be left alone! be aware of the enemy but dont talk about him having strongholds, that just lets the enemy know that you are SPEAKING that into existance!
i get other crazy callers, too. suicide calls, calls of dad's finding their 12 year old sons doing bad things in their parents room (really), husbands cheating on wives, homelessness, starvation... the list goes on. its a normal thing to have a sob story. its sad, but its true. it happens. but as i listen to these callers, i realize why the Lord has various types of ministries, and why the church system works. we are all crazy! we all have our crazy little habits, our little pet peeves, our little quirks and stuff.... yet God adores us.my brain goes about 300 miles an hour most of the time (except for right after i wake up) and slow people drive me nuts (thats what is the most irritating about some of the callers, too, they are 95 years old and have no idea how to read a credit card. very irritating sometimes.)yet somehow,some way, God has this crazy love for the little quirky people. those people who never had a "traditional" life. God has this crazy space in His heart for those who have been orphaned or left by one parent, ive noticed. God really loves the orphans. and those who work with orphans see that! Heidi sees that, with her hundreds of children in the bush. George Mueller. the orphans in Asia. God loves the orphans! and those who run the orphanages are the crazy ones too!! there is no such thing as "NORMAL" or "STATUS QUO" anymore.

But God's grace quickly frustrates all such dreams. A great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves, is bound to overwhelm us as surely as God desires to lead us to an understanding of genuine Christian community. . . . The sooner this moment of disillusionment comes over the individual and the community, the better for both. . . . Those who love their dream of a Christian community more than the Christian community itself become destroyers of that Christian community even though their personal intentions may be ever so honest, earnest, and sacrificial. -- D.Bonhoeffer

i dont really know where im going with this. anyways.

everytime you think you are a little off your rocker, thats ok. its normal to not be normal :) dont feel bad. God loves you anyways.

:)

six months ago.

so, as some of you know..

my beloved house is no longer a home to all of us. we are all moving, all seperating. i have lived with about 7 other females in the last 6 months- 2 Emily's, Liz, Amber, Alora, Lashonne, and Liv. I cant believe how much I have changed, too. I moved in after a long season of being in a very emotionally hard time with a crazy living situation. I was vulnerable, blamed myself for alot, especially family stuff, i was very insecure about my identity, and was very much closed up. the last six months have opened me to so much, especially after what happened 2 years ago (almost 3) when i went through a time of shutting myself down and into a hole. I had a bad work situation, i was very much a "private person". i enjoyed time to myself. alot. too much.
the girls changed me alot. God changed me alot through the girls. I remember one sunday, the Chavda's were speaking at church and had us repeat something about our identity (something along the lines of "I am loved by Him" or something??) and I did not repeat it. i didn't say anything. Lashonne noticed and passed a note and i replied back "yea, i know i didnt say it. its cause i cant stand myself." she then just said "im sorry you say that. im praying".

if it weren't for these girls, I dont know what i would do. God is so strong.
we've done Bible studies, done a hannukah party, christmas parties, 4th of July cookout together at ANC, movies (TONS), ice cream, talking at the kitchen counter, laughed like fools, cooked together, shopped, made coffee, collaged.... wow. i am overwhelmed, and totally thankful for these girls. Em Lewin told me that i needed to be "delivered from the spirit of BS" when i told her that i still blamed myself for stuff that i didnt even do- when i was 5. and now, i realize how pathetic that must have sounded.

I was walking out to go to work this morning, and I happened to see the huge shoe mark that is on the ceiling of the room that Lewin was actually sleeping in. We found a huge spider in the crack of the wall, and we (Am, Em, and I) all were fighting about who would NOT kill it. we didnt want to. but we knew we had to get rid of it! we then found a sneaker of Em's, and Am did a George of the Jungle with it, flinging it and screaming, totally missing the spider. Em finally hit the spider, i grabbed Croc and whacked it-- when it was crawling in her purse. yea. yea. i know. but it made me have a flashback for real. I missed that night.

another night, i came in from a conference at church and totally fell in a Jesus drunken stupor into Em's room (its right by the front door). i proceeded to lay there for about 2 hours while she laughed at me and played guitar. It was so fun.

Olivia's French press, deep discussions with Liz, Amber shoving me off my bed and us fighting and teasing each other like we grew up together. the guitar playing, Ariel and I looking at cars online..... I love you girls so much.. i don't know what i would do. i loved sitting together as a huge group at ANC, getting lunch together, my birthday party! heck, how could i forget that?! that was so fun.
I have had so many adventures in this house. mostly, i am so thankful for the grace and the joy that God has given me for living here, not that it needed a ton of grace, but the privilege of living here is amazing.I am so grateful that God let me be a part of it all. im so grateful. it has been a gift, and i will never be the same.

God has really been showing me alot about how he is faithful, throughout the ages. the same God of Paul, David, Moses, Solomon, the ancients of the Promised land, Noah, Adam and Eve--- the same God, He is MY God! its overwhelming. the same God who they looked for in the cloud by day and fire by night, who they saw in the sky, in the stars, the same God who gave David the wisdom of using rocks to kill his enemy-- that SAME GOD is MY God! and he LOVES me so much. that boggles my mind. alot.
he has my best interest in mind. he loves me. he wants the best for me. and HE is my faithful provider.
...mmmm yup.

i love Jesus. Jesus absorbed all the wrath of God, so that I can be eternally LOVED by God! God has no more wrath-- and instead, my ashes are now beauty.instead of wallowing in CRAP, I can now stand strong in my salvation.

He is FAITHFUL, HE KNOWS. and i Love Him SO Much.....

in the silence.

So, as some of you know, my car died. completely. 2 weeks ago. I was at an intersection in Pineville (between my house and my work), and Beatrice decided that she had enough of living and decided to finish her life right in the middle of the intersection. I thought, ok, its freezing, i may be low on gas. I ended up getting a gas can from another driver and trying to fill it up, nope. there was a cop behind me, and he tried to jump my car with my roommate's. nope. so, thus, my car sat in the Bassett Furniture store parking lot for 3 days until I could get a tow truck to get it to my mechanic friend. mechanic said it was totally shot. I borrowed a friends car for a week, and have been pretty desperate in the search to find a new one for myself. looking online, talking to the mechanic about the best options, talking to my dad and my dad's best friend..... its been a very hectic 2 weeks. VERY hectic.
i went to a car sales place in Rock Hill yesterday. the guy who had a Sentra that i was looking at was really rude, but i decided to check out the car anyways. I brought the sentra up to the mechanic, brought it back, and there were a million things wrong with the car. I was searching yesterday for certain cars, and just couldnt find "the one". I had borrowed my roommates car for the day in hopes of finding one... seeing as I am on a time crunch and really need to find a car as soon as i can, to no avail.
Very, VERY, VERY frustrated with myself for pretty much wasting my entire day off looking at cars unsuccessfully, and very irritated cause i couldnt find "the one", I just started bawling. right in my roommates car. I was so beyond tired, and annoyed at this point i didnt even care. I hadnt slept (still havent) in about a week, and so frustrated because I really didnt even know where to look.... i was just sobbing in the car. so frustrated. I didnt even know. I was just like "God, i need a car. i give up searching.i HATE depending on people for rides and, especially so close to Christmas, i have way too much to do right now...."
i felt the Spirit of God so thick in that car...it just fell as soon as i said that. I instantly felt such a "WHOOSH!" of the Father just looking at me and saying to my anxious heart that has yelled in desperation to him so many times before, "I have your back! you know i love you, you know i have the one. I cant give it to you unless you surrender it to me!"
suddenly there was such a peace about it all.
I came home and was kind of excited actually, knowing it was just around the corner....
lo and behold, my dad's best friend is going to look at a Nissan Maxima this morning, which is the best deal we have found thus far, and I have a really good feeling about it. heck, it even has a sun roof... and thats a secret thing that i would really love.
and, its only $1k above what we were intending to spend.
nice.
im just praying right now to see if its THE ONE. if so, i may have a new car in my possession/my driveway before new years.
all because God just told me to give up this entire thing.
His presence is so thick and so strong.... and i just love Him so much. He brings my heart such joy. my world, my schedule, my life is crazy insane right now with work and this car thing and now a few other major things....but every day he just refreshes my tired body and soul.... and i just live day by day.... its teaching me real dependency on Him.
it sucks sometimes but its so worth it.

in the valley.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
"And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me 'My Husband,' and no longer will you call me 'My Baal.' For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. Hosea 2.14

My lovely pastor spoke today about the valley.
It's been the story of my life for about 3 years now.
where i am in the desert, in the valley and i can hear God's heart whispering to me "come away... come away...." but i so often ignore that voice, "ill get to it later".he calls, not begging or pleading, but longing. he wont pull us there, he will draw us there. we will WANT to go into that place. its when we are desperate, when we are shunned by the world, called forsaken, called forgotten, we have stage 4 cancer, our family is falling apart, we are at our wits end-- then he calls us away. we dance in the wilderness. we dance with HIM in the wilderness. he says to our hearts, in its fragments and broken pieces, "its ok. you are safe here. this is intimacy with me. you are safe. i see you in your broken places. i love you, oh i see those tears and i have them in a bottle. you are safe. you can be yourself and i will love you for it."there, we lean into his embrace as he holds us close to his heart. we rest our weary head on his shoulder and he teaches us how to pray. he carries us through the dryness. we are carried through the valley, he refreshes us with his living water. we speak another language.
and we survive. we learn real intimacy with the Lord and we are never the same. it changes us, it changes our hearts. we learn how to cry and know we are being heard.
and we are never the same.
the Lord has brought me through so many valleys, where i just cant "feel" Him. Where i feel overwhelmingly lost, confused and broken, asking, "where are you? why do i feel so alone?" But, then, he has never left me. it was in the silence that he was speaking.
Jason Upton has a song that always penetrates deep into my heart:




it always gets me so much how the Lord speaks to our deepest places. He speaks to me alot as I'm falling asleep in a dark room. Its very intimate conversations. I feel so refreshed after. He speaks and I just ponder, think, write. thats when i can feel the kiss of heaven on my forehead.
the funny thing? that time of deep intimacy with the Lord usually comes when i am in an intense crises in my life. when something is wrong, then he lures me away from it so i can lean on my beloved.
that ends up being a permanent "lean", so we end up like this bride in Song of Solomon.

Who is that coming up from the wilderness,
leaning on her beloved? (Songs 8.5)

i really dont know where im going with this but i just like how God is speaking stuff to me about it all. i need to just sit and journal.

Time.

It is no more crazy than a dog finding a rainbow. Dogs are colourblind, Gretchen. They don't see colour. Just like we don't see time. We can feel it, we can feel it passing, but we can't see it. It's just like a blur. It's like we're riding in a supersonic train and the world is just blowing by, but imagine if we could stop that train, eh, Gretchen? Imagine if we could stop that train, get out, look around, and see time for what it really is? A universe, a world, a thing as unimaginable as colour to a dog, and as real, as tangible as that chair you're sitting in. Now if we could see it like that, really look at it, then maybe we could see the flaws as well as the form.---- Stuart, from Kate and Leopold

Ive been thinking alot about time. time passes so fast, yet we cant see it-- like in the quote above.
It is my 21st birthday. Really, im kinda shocked. But you know what? I'm still the same person. I have the same skin color, eyes, bones, organs, muscles, brain, blood type, veins, heart-- the same ones i was born with. the only thing that has changed them is time. as i get older (with time), they change a little bit, aging and being changed by my surroundings. But you know what else? in our lives, the thing that majorly changes, affects our attitudes, situations, reactions, how we talk to others-- that change takes place in our spirits. We live, remember things, laugh, cry, think and communicate through our spirits. we can say "ive changed so much", but in actuality, its your spirit that has changed. it goes from glory to glory.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. -1 Corinthians 3:18

Have you ever seen Kate and Leopold? I love that movie. In this movie, a man from the 21st century is hurled into the 19th century by jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge. He is followed back to the 21st century by a man who is actually his great great grandfather who eventually invented the elevator. Heres the summary:

Meg Ryan stars as Kate McKay, a modern female executive in New York City whose drive to succeed in the cutthroat corporate world has left little time for romance. When her genius ex-boyfriend Stuart (Liev Schreiber) opens a portal in time, the experiment transports Leopold (Hugh Jackman) from 1867 to the present day. A charming bachelor and the royal "Third Duke of Albany" in his own time, Leopold is fascinated by the 21st century. As the courtly Leopold and the decidedly liberated Kate tour the town, a mutual attraction develops into something deeper, a relationship that's threatened by Leopold's temporary chronological status-- http://www.starpulse.com/Movies/Kate_and_Leopold/Summary/

In this movie, Kate and Leopold are hanging out in NYC, and in one scene (in the 21st century), Leopold sees his childhood home (the beginning of the movie was taking place in the house). he goes inside and sees that it has changed 200 years later. He finds a childhood treasure box, his mirror and his quarters. It has changed to become a children's room, as it appears. He sees it and realizes that time has changed the surroundings. the room is the same since he was in there (chronologically 200 years prior), the mirror is in the same place, its just a different time. time has changed. (theres a trippy scene later that Kate is looking into the mirror at the same "time" as Leopold, who was looking into it to prepare for his 1876 ball, the scene switches between them and between time, even if the mirror is the same)... it really makes you think about how you spend YOUR time when you are going day by day, the daily grind. I heard a quote once that said,

"I dont want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well" -Diane Ackerman

I really dont want to do this:

Lisa Alther: "Just as you began to feel that you could make good use of time, there was no time left to you."

I want to make my life count. I dont want to look back 4 years from today, knowing the things i want to do this year never got done. I want to do everything I can to not waste the time God has given me on the earth.

check out this sick time lapse video:



how are you going to live today to make YOUR time count?

October. and Hephzibah.

DANG..
Its November 1 already? well..... heres a pro-side, ill be 21 in less than 24 hours. :)

October was an insanely amazing month full of God's grace and provision. God was constantly showering me with love. He dropped $500 on me, i got to see my family, there were crazy things that were happening with family when they were here (free parking...), i recently found out that i can be put back on my dad's insurance (no more for me!), God basically paid my insurance this month, and ive had an interview for a new job (just praying that goes through), prophetic words that God was teaching me how to cook and write without lines and He is showing me color again... just amazing, little blessings here and there. just amazing.

on the flipside, God was also speaking to me alot about Hephzibah. not only was the scripture being randomly flipped open when i opened the Bible... it was this scripture:

Isaiah 62:4 (Amplified Bible)

4You [Judah] shall no more be termed Forsaken, nor shall your land be called Desolate any more. But you shall be called Hephzibah [My delight is in her], and your land be called Beulah [married]; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married [owned and protected by the Lord].

BUT Then.... the wierd parts.... i would see the word EVERYWHERE.... in fact, just tonight at the Morningstar harvest fest a guy was reading as part of a prophetic word to another girl.... then my friend went to a Hephzibah house in NYC a couple weeks ago... my other friend Olivia wrote a blog on IHOPKC and i went to read it and the title was Hephzibah... just word after word after word. i love how that happens. i would look up in the room and that word would be on the wall, i would read a book and the word would be in the book. WHAT? really? honestly? HEPHZIBAH? but i mean, come on. it signifies something HUGE. His delight is in ME. HIS delight is in me. His DELIGHT is in me. His delight IS in me. His delight is IN me. His delight is in ME. WOW. DANG. when you really think about it, its powerful. its intense. its crazy to think about. HIS DELIGHT IS IN ME. I delight Him! i make him GIDDY with joy! HE cant contain himself! with who? me? wretched soul? really? yes! thats the amazing thing.and i say, "heck, no, God. Im so not worth your attention". and hes like "oh yea, ya are. really. you are. YOU ARE SAFE HERE. THIS PLACE IN MY HEART IS SAFE". i am learning about the safety of his heart, hes just not going to drop me after he finds something gross in my life.He's just gonna go after it, burn it, and move on. He just loves me that much. cause HE delights in me. i wrote that word on my arm in pen the other day, on my wrist. HEPHZIBAH. that was a very anointed day. God was all over that. I looked at it and saw the significance and i have a picture on my phone of it on my wrist.



amazing huh? its just mindboggling what it means and when we apply it...it just rocks my world. i love my Jesus. GOD, teach me how to love you even more. teach me how to be obsessed with you.

the words of this song are awesome but the tune is whacked so ill spare you and just share the lyrics:

Beckah Shae
Hebrew: Hephzibah (My delight is in you)
Isaiah 62

Lyrics:
So I woke up in the morning, with only one word on my mind.It was given to me in my sleep, and I knew I just had to find,The meaning, the answer,The reason for this mystery.Oh, and I knew it came from you,Cause I felt this overwhelming peace.
You said I am a Crown of Splendor!You said I am a Royal Diadem in your hand!
You’ve called me Hephzibah.You’ve called me Hephzibah.I’m no longer forsaken,Oh but to know! That you delight in me,And you call me Hephzibah.
So I was once desperately, insecure and desolate,With damaged dignity,In all my sins and faults and bruises.Trying to find my beauty, seemed impossible to me.Till you came and took my shame,And dressed me up in your Glory.
What magnificent exchange,You’ve adorned me with Your name.Your beauty for my sin.And here I stand not just forgiven,But dressed in royalty, as you rejoice over me,As a bridegroom for His bride.Now I can see you and how you really see me.

He is really taking me through an intense season of identity and healing right now just from stuff in the past that has held me back and the things in my heart that i or others have been set on me. i was with my housemate and two of her friends tonight at their house (ive been with them before..), and it just felt GOOD. God was like "go ahead, be YOURSELF and nothing less". it was just fun. we just watched a movie. but I felt at home. i dont know. God is just beautiful. Hes in a season right now of just restoring relationships and circumstances in my heart and in my life. its harvest in my heart and i can feel it. Jesus, you rock.

youve ravished my heart. i want you. i love you. i delight in you.

Thank you Bekah for this song. it has wrecked my world. God has completely been speaking alot about love lately. theres been an increased season of harvest and favor on my life just this month- tremendous increase of finances, God basically paying my bills for me, little things just coming up that end up being a total answer of prayer- and i can feel God's heart just saying "i love you. i love you. you ravish me. you delight me. you are mine. Will you marry me? i don't regret choosing you. i am not shocked by your struggle. i am not disgusted or ashamed of you. you are my vessel, you are my chosen one. i will bring you to the end in strength. i see a strength in you when you can only see weakness in your life, but i see the end from the beginning. you barely just begun! so few will ever fight the good fight, even if you feel you are losing....." its just been total words of affirmation from the Lord. an amazing amount of favor on my life has been just tremendous. The Lord's hand is strong and mighty to save. He loves!! He is just LOVE. Real Love doesn't compromise! Abba doesn't compromise! He wants the best for His children! for His bride. He is not asleep, like an unresponsive man who sits in his chair all day and sleeps, responsive only when we wake him and when we need something- no, God watches His kids! His Bride! We have ravished his heart and he is overcome by his creation. its amazing really. its completely messing up my desires. any desire to even get married eventually (to an earthly husband) has been completely crucified. I am overtaken though! i don't even care! The Lord has taken me away into His garden and I am overcome with Him! His Love has overcome! His love has possessed my heart! His love has overcome my core! He has grabbed my heart and is doing surgery on it--- He is my cardiologist! He has ravished my heart and I have ravished His! He has made His proposal to me and I have accepted. He is so jealous for me right now, I am just feeling it so intensely. I feel waves of fire whenever i see Him, i see Him in his throne with waves of fire. i have to let my intellecutalism go everytime i think of Him. i used to have to take "hours" to get rid of the "block".... and i just have to unscrew my head now. the gospel is so simple! its so easy! its so THERE, we just have to be willing to sacrifice it all when we see it, and when we REALLY see it, its not a sacrifice, its more a desire to let everything go.

AAHHHHH GOD, RIP ME APART FOR YOU.... LET ME BE YOUR TRAINWRECK! CONSUME ME! AHHHHHHHHH GOD I LOVE YOU