i got that faith....and the dresser.

so... i got the dresser. yea. its blue. its beautiful. im so excited. God totally dropped in my lap. its a coordinating bedside table, dresser (6 drawers) and mirror. its fully functional. i got it for free. yea. i know. im blessed :) i painted it and finished it in three days.it looks great with the drawer pulls.

anyways.

i leave in three days for my beach weekend with Pastor Bonnie and the ladies at All Nations Church. im so excited. i cant even tell you. ive been so anticipating this weekend for literally 2 years. i wanted to go so bad last year but it didnt work out. This year, i KNEW i was going. I KNEW how bad I wanted to go, and God basically wrote the check for me. and God was the one who MADE me decide that i was going to make the effort to go, and do it. i just want to spend time with ANC women, to just SPEND TIME being a member of the church and to love it. Im so thankful that I am. I just celebrated my one year anniversary of being at ANC and i am so thankful. that God led me there, that God brought amazing spiritual parents into my life where I dont have parents around in SC, God gave me an awesome family of wonderful spiritual mentors, sisters, brothers-- a FAMILY-- the family that I miss having. I had that family at MCC and I loved it. Its what kept me (partially) sane. it kept me mostly sane, actually. I miss having that constant support system and all the love around. I honestly dont know where i would be without MCC-- the dance team, the laughter, sleepovers, parties, prayer meetings, constant love.....-- and now i literally would lose my mind if it werent for ANC. This church means SO much to me, its not even funny. I love that the members of this church recognize me for being an adult. MCC, i grew up there so its strange to think that i am a woman now with my own goals and dreams and what I want to do and be.... cause i was there for so long. i got a fresh start at ANC, and I started right. I am so glad i was mature when i started coming (well, mostly mature). I just know that God brought me to ANC and now that I am actually IN it and living in it ( when i can)--- its amazing how God is bring opportunities for me to get more involved. I get messages alot from coordinators asking me to volunteer my time, I get even more responsibility at conferences and its wonderful. i love it. I love being able to just serve in that area. I love that I can serve the people at ANC, the staff and--- most importantly- my pastors. I have such a high amount of respect for both of them. I admire and look up to them so much and i am so thankful that they see me for me. I am thankful that they hold me to a high standard-- non verbally, of course-- but still a high standard. I literally was a mess when i came to them. Thank God for smart pastors. Dr. Bonnie saw the ailment, had her "ah-ha!" moment, and promptly put me on a strict, long term prescription for constant "healing from on high" scripture to be played in my room as i slept- specifically her husband speaking out scripture. I played that CD every night for about 5 months. things dramatically improved. I was thrust into "rehab"-- a home with 5 girls and a house mama. for 6 months, i lived, ate and BREATHED in restoration. I gained sisters, a SC mama.... and a dog. who loves me. HAHA. thats when i realized really how much the Lord loves me. its a process---- but its proof.

anyways. yea. im excited. so theres my testimony/exposition.
other than that..... im just really evaluating my life right now.... been so busy with work and stuff, im exhausted. im sick of living for me right now. i want to live for Him. and Him alone. cause isnt that what it all boils down to?
is HIM.
yea. i know. i thought so. i need sleep. :) night!

six months ago.

so, as some of you know..

my beloved house is no longer a home to all of us. we are all moving, all seperating. i have lived with about 7 other females in the last 6 months- 2 Emily's, Liz, Amber, Alora, Lashonne, and Liv. I cant believe how much I have changed, too. I moved in after a long season of being in a very emotionally hard time with a crazy living situation. I was vulnerable, blamed myself for alot, especially family stuff, i was very insecure about my identity, and was very much closed up. the last six months have opened me to so much, especially after what happened 2 years ago (almost 3) when i went through a time of shutting myself down and into a hole. I had a bad work situation, i was very much a "private person". i enjoyed time to myself. alot. too much.
the girls changed me alot. God changed me alot through the girls. I remember one sunday, the Chavda's were speaking at church and had us repeat something about our identity (something along the lines of "I am loved by Him" or something??) and I did not repeat it. i didn't say anything. Lashonne noticed and passed a note and i replied back "yea, i know i didnt say it. its cause i cant stand myself." she then just said "im sorry you say that. im praying".

if it weren't for these girls, I dont know what i would do. God is so strong.
we've done Bible studies, done a hannukah party, christmas parties, 4th of July cookout together at ANC, movies (TONS), ice cream, talking at the kitchen counter, laughed like fools, cooked together, shopped, made coffee, collaged.... wow. i am overwhelmed, and totally thankful for these girls. Em Lewin told me that i needed to be "delivered from the spirit of BS" when i told her that i still blamed myself for stuff that i didnt even do- when i was 5. and now, i realize how pathetic that must have sounded.

I was walking out to go to work this morning, and I happened to see the huge shoe mark that is on the ceiling of the room that Lewin was actually sleeping in. We found a huge spider in the crack of the wall, and we (Am, Em, and I) all were fighting about who would NOT kill it. we didnt want to. but we knew we had to get rid of it! we then found a sneaker of Em's, and Am did a George of the Jungle with it, flinging it and screaming, totally missing the spider. Em finally hit the spider, i grabbed Croc and whacked it-- when it was crawling in her purse. yea. yea. i know. but it made me have a flashback for real. I missed that night.

another night, i came in from a conference at church and totally fell in a Jesus drunken stupor into Em's room (its right by the front door). i proceeded to lay there for about 2 hours while she laughed at me and played guitar. It was so fun.

Olivia's French press, deep discussions with Liz, Amber shoving me off my bed and us fighting and teasing each other like we grew up together. the guitar playing, Ariel and I looking at cars online..... I love you girls so much.. i don't know what i would do. i loved sitting together as a huge group at ANC, getting lunch together, my birthday party! heck, how could i forget that?! that was so fun.
I have had so many adventures in this house. mostly, i am so thankful for the grace and the joy that God has given me for living here, not that it needed a ton of grace, but the privilege of living here is amazing.I am so grateful that God let me be a part of it all. im so grateful. it has been a gift, and i will never be the same.

God has really been showing me alot about how he is faithful, throughout the ages. the same God of Paul, David, Moses, Solomon, the ancients of the Promised land, Noah, Adam and Eve--- the same God, He is MY God! its overwhelming. the same God who they looked for in the cloud by day and fire by night, who they saw in the sky, in the stars, the same God who gave David the wisdom of using rocks to kill his enemy-- that SAME GOD is MY God! and he LOVES me so much. that boggles my mind. alot.
he has my best interest in mind. he loves me. he wants the best for me. and HE is my faithful provider.
...mmmm yup.

i love Jesus. Jesus absorbed all the wrath of God, so that I can be eternally LOVED by God! God has no more wrath-- and instead, my ashes are now beauty.instead of wallowing in CRAP, I can now stand strong in my salvation.

He is FAITHFUL, HE KNOWS. and i Love Him SO Much.....

in the valley.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
"And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me 'My Husband,' and no longer will you call me 'My Baal.' For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. Hosea 2.14

My lovely pastor spoke today about the valley.
It's been the story of my life for about 3 years now.
where i am in the desert, in the valley and i can hear God's heart whispering to me "come away... come away...." but i so often ignore that voice, "ill get to it later".he calls, not begging or pleading, but longing. he wont pull us there, he will draw us there. we will WANT to go into that place. its when we are desperate, when we are shunned by the world, called forsaken, called forgotten, we have stage 4 cancer, our family is falling apart, we are at our wits end-- then he calls us away. we dance in the wilderness. we dance with HIM in the wilderness. he says to our hearts, in its fragments and broken pieces, "its ok. you are safe here. this is intimacy with me. you are safe. i see you in your broken places. i love you, oh i see those tears and i have them in a bottle. you are safe. you can be yourself and i will love you for it."there, we lean into his embrace as he holds us close to his heart. we rest our weary head on his shoulder and he teaches us how to pray. he carries us through the dryness. we are carried through the valley, he refreshes us with his living water. we speak another language.
and we survive. we learn real intimacy with the Lord and we are never the same. it changes us, it changes our hearts. we learn how to cry and know we are being heard.
and we are never the same.
the Lord has brought me through so many valleys, where i just cant "feel" Him. Where i feel overwhelmingly lost, confused and broken, asking, "where are you? why do i feel so alone?" But, then, he has never left me. it was in the silence that he was speaking.
Jason Upton has a song that always penetrates deep into my heart:




it always gets me so much how the Lord speaks to our deepest places. He speaks to me alot as I'm falling asleep in a dark room. Its very intimate conversations. I feel so refreshed after. He speaks and I just ponder, think, write. thats when i can feel the kiss of heaven on my forehead.
the funny thing? that time of deep intimacy with the Lord usually comes when i am in an intense crises in my life. when something is wrong, then he lures me away from it so i can lean on my beloved.
that ends up being a permanent "lean", so we end up like this bride in Song of Solomon.

Who is that coming up from the wilderness,
leaning on her beloved? (Songs 8.5)

i really dont know where im going with this but i just like how God is speaking stuff to me about it all. i need to just sit and journal.

youve ravished my heart. i want you. i love you. i delight in you.

Thank you Bekah for this song. it has wrecked my world. God has completely been speaking alot about love lately. theres been an increased season of harvest and favor on my life just this month- tremendous increase of finances, God basically paying my bills for me, little things just coming up that end up being a total answer of prayer- and i can feel God's heart just saying "i love you. i love you. you ravish me. you delight me. you are mine. Will you marry me? i don't regret choosing you. i am not shocked by your struggle. i am not disgusted or ashamed of you. you are my vessel, you are my chosen one. i will bring you to the end in strength. i see a strength in you when you can only see weakness in your life, but i see the end from the beginning. you barely just begun! so few will ever fight the good fight, even if you feel you are losing....." its just been total words of affirmation from the Lord. an amazing amount of favor on my life has been just tremendous. The Lord's hand is strong and mighty to save. He loves!! He is just LOVE. Real Love doesn't compromise! Abba doesn't compromise! He wants the best for His children! for His bride. He is not asleep, like an unresponsive man who sits in his chair all day and sleeps, responsive only when we wake him and when we need something- no, God watches His kids! His Bride! We have ravished his heart and he is overcome by his creation. its amazing really. its completely messing up my desires. any desire to even get married eventually (to an earthly husband) has been completely crucified. I am overtaken though! i don't even care! The Lord has taken me away into His garden and I am overcome with Him! His Love has overcome! His love has possessed my heart! His love has overcome my core! He has grabbed my heart and is doing surgery on it--- He is my cardiologist! He has ravished my heart and I have ravished His! He has made His proposal to me and I have accepted. He is so jealous for me right now, I am just feeling it so intensely. I feel waves of fire whenever i see Him, i see Him in his throne with waves of fire. i have to let my intellecutalism go everytime i think of Him. i used to have to take "hours" to get rid of the "block".... and i just have to unscrew my head now. the gospel is so simple! its so easy! its so THERE, we just have to be willing to sacrifice it all when we see it, and when we REALLY see it, its not a sacrifice, its more a desire to let everything go.

AAHHHHH GOD, RIP ME APART FOR YOU.... LET ME BE YOUR TRAINWRECK! CONSUME ME! AHHHHHHHHH GOD I LOVE YOU