art.

WHOA! been awhile. like 6 months. yikes.
so i have recently started the book "Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. it is to DIScover and REcover your creative self that has been shut down by circumstances, even by our own permission to let "ourselves" kind of die in that area or to be putting our creative ability on a back burner. i did my "tasks" for the first week today..(there's a list of 10+ "tasks" weekly...either writing or a practical and hands on thing....in addition to "morning pages" which is 3 pages of stream of consciousness writing....first thing in the morning....and also a good 10 pages of info to read and interact with...lists and stuff integrated...its an intense amount of writing!).. and it WRECKED me. Julia uses a Christian/ spiritual perspective to write her book. as thought provoking or painful as this book may be-- it really is such a good read/study. it is very challenging emotionally at parts. i had to really think about what circumstances i went through that shut down my creativity. ART is of GOD and i let it die for 4 years. yea. i know. 4 years. its barely recovering now. the Lord has done ALOT to work and recover it and its definately not where it should be. art is my weakness. a good piece of art, not even painting but ANY art- collage, scrapbooking, pottery..... is my weakness. so I had to really think and i was really feeling that i should write down a page of what i was telling myself that was making my creativity blocked. every negative comment, i wrote it on one page. then the next page (this took up one spread of a special sketchbook i bought for this course) i wrote all the TRUTHS and affirmations that i needed to believe or that was really the truths of who i am and what i need to be hearing and saying. on the "lies" page, this was the junk that the "core negative beliefs" were speaking. after i wrote these, i took a big black sharpie--- and it was SO hard to do but I wrote LIES across the page. in sharpie. in big letters. like 7 times. but it was such a release. and as hard as it was, I had to be the one LETTING THESE VOICES GO. i had to be the one BREAKING IT OFF. if i didnt choose to stop listening- they would continue to speak. these voices come from the LOGIC side of the brain that is also associated with MATH/SCIENCE...its the "thinking" side that I overuse!) this voice is the voice of a strict parent or teacher who lied and said "you cannot do this." on the 2nd page (positive affirmations) i wrote the GOOD things... that i am CREATED to create, i am created to artistically describe the heart of God. OH HOW WRECKED I GOT OVER THIS self made exercise! It wasnt even a task in the book and i did it and felt amazing release. the other pages i wrote were big bad scary monsters who came and jumped out of my artistic closet and shut down my art side. my little kid who i didnt let out to play because i was thinking "I AM TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!" or "I AM NOT ENOUGH!" ouch! the whole darn exercise hurt!
so i was at the watch 3 hours later (tonight) and I was writing in my journal (which i have to make myself do now because i WANT TO DO all these artsy things but i slack too much!!) and suddenly was hit with this idea. God was bored before he made the earth. God is the one who created artists and funny people.God has a hysterical time creating future artists and comedians. i think God is absolutely hilarious. so I was wondering "were YOU bored before creating the earth? before creating me? my friends> my family members? before creating the galaxies??" it kind of hit me. I told Him i would really love to see how he made a sunrise and how it looks painted and it just seemed like a fun thing to do while i was asleep at 4 am so he started whipping out an easel ( that is like 3000000 miles long) and telling clay to make itself (because he didnt want to make it himself) so he could color. so as i peel myself out of bed, he is painting this amazing picture so as i go walking in the morning i will have this AWESOME looking sunrise to zone out to as i listen to Rita Springer and work out this body (That HE also made with some dirt, water and air.. all of which he made... yea..... this creativity stuff is amazing). then it struck me, i dealt with an intense self hatred for like 6 years or more and it just is ending now but i can say im over it (finally thank the Lord). I was hearing this: "Hannah, what if you made a really amazing clay pot. what if you made this pot the best you could ever possibly make it and put your heart and soul into it, you put everything you are into it, its all shiny and its blue and it looks gorgeous. its YOURS. you love it. you love to use it, you love to play with it, you love to display it.you love to drink from it. what if one day that pot had a personality and decided it hated itself. what if it decided that because it was not PERFECT (ok, there was a minor chip in the handle or something tiny), that it was ugly and unusable and that it was not worth using, that the pot HATED itself. that the pot, even though it knew it was your pot, it was thinking it was absolutely disgusting and that it was not worth using.but you love that pot, dont you? you made it? you would be so grieved in your heart but you would tell the pot to get over itself because it is beautiful and you made it so that is enough....SAME WITH YOU! i made you (my pot) and you are beautiful because you are MINE!

OUCH! WHOA!

i have no idea why i got so sloshed off this tonight! its not even like its a new thing but the DESCRIPTION that was used (the pot) was INCREDIBLE. it really got me. i journaled off this and got WRECKED.

new truth: i was created to create.i was made to make. i am made in the image of an artist. art is my therapy. art is where my heart is at. my heart is in recovery to do exactly what it was made to do- to create.

this radiated in my heart after this lesson:

Isaiah 43.1-7
1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.”

hello, wreckage!!
theres so many ART projects i want to work on now that i am letting myself be creative. I AM LETTING MYSELF LET GO which is the biggest battle of all!! its the biggest, strongest struggle-- to LET MYSELF GO. so i let go. i am letting myself be creative, i CHOOSE to shut down the voices in my head- not to "inspire someone" but to be someone who allows the Lord to use them as a vessel:

2 Corinthians 4.7: However, we possess this precious treasure [the divine Light of the Gospel] in [frail, human] vessels of earth, that the grandeur and exceeding greatness of the power may be shown to be from God and not from ourselves.

and to speak LOVE to the Lord by doing what He made me to do. I am working on a scrapbook right now, in addition to the journals i make, knitting, pastels, DANCE, and learning guitar.... mostly this scrapbook that the Lord told me to make.....

so, thus we begin....12 weeks of painful art heart surgery but I know the Lord told me to get this book so he can work through it to recover my heart... after all, he is a creative heart surgeon!! :)

i got that faith....and the dresser.

so... i got the dresser. yea. its blue. its beautiful. im so excited. God totally dropped in my lap. its a coordinating bedside table, dresser (6 drawers) and mirror. its fully functional. i got it for free. yea. i know. im blessed :) i painted it and finished it in three days.it looks great with the drawer pulls.

anyways.

i leave in three days for my beach weekend with Pastor Bonnie and the ladies at All Nations Church. im so excited. i cant even tell you. ive been so anticipating this weekend for literally 2 years. i wanted to go so bad last year but it didnt work out. This year, i KNEW i was going. I KNEW how bad I wanted to go, and God basically wrote the check for me. and God was the one who MADE me decide that i was going to make the effort to go, and do it. i just want to spend time with ANC women, to just SPEND TIME being a member of the church and to love it. Im so thankful that I am. I just celebrated my one year anniversary of being at ANC and i am so thankful. that God led me there, that God brought amazing spiritual parents into my life where I dont have parents around in SC, God gave me an awesome family of wonderful spiritual mentors, sisters, brothers-- a FAMILY-- the family that I miss having. I had that family at MCC and I loved it. Its what kept me (partially) sane. it kept me mostly sane, actually. I miss having that constant support system and all the love around. I honestly dont know where i would be without MCC-- the dance team, the laughter, sleepovers, parties, prayer meetings, constant love.....-- and now i literally would lose my mind if it werent for ANC. This church means SO much to me, its not even funny. I love that the members of this church recognize me for being an adult. MCC, i grew up there so its strange to think that i am a woman now with my own goals and dreams and what I want to do and be.... cause i was there for so long. i got a fresh start at ANC, and I started right. I am so glad i was mature when i started coming (well, mostly mature). I just know that God brought me to ANC and now that I am actually IN it and living in it ( when i can)--- its amazing how God is bring opportunities for me to get more involved. I get messages alot from coordinators asking me to volunteer my time, I get even more responsibility at conferences and its wonderful. i love it. I love being able to just serve in that area. I love that I can serve the people at ANC, the staff and--- most importantly- my pastors. I have such a high amount of respect for both of them. I admire and look up to them so much and i am so thankful that they see me for me. I am thankful that they hold me to a high standard-- non verbally, of course-- but still a high standard. I literally was a mess when i came to them. Thank God for smart pastors. Dr. Bonnie saw the ailment, had her "ah-ha!" moment, and promptly put me on a strict, long term prescription for constant "healing from on high" scripture to be played in my room as i slept- specifically her husband speaking out scripture. I played that CD every night for about 5 months. things dramatically improved. I was thrust into "rehab"-- a home with 5 girls and a house mama. for 6 months, i lived, ate and BREATHED in restoration. I gained sisters, a SC mama.... and a dog. who loves me. HAHA. thats when i realized really how much the Lord loves me. its a process---- but its proof.

anyways. yea. im excited. so theres my testimony/exposition.
other than that..... im just really evaluating my life right now.... been so busy with work and stuff, im exhausted. im sick of living for me right now. i want to live for Him. and Him alone. cause isnt that what it all boils down to?
is HIM.
yea. i know. i thought so. i need sleep. :) night!

six months ago.

so, as some of you know..

my beloved house is no longer a home to all of us. we are all moving, all seperating. i have lived with about 7 other females in the last 6 months- 2 Emily's, Liz, Amber, Alora, Lashonne, and Liv. I cant believe how much I have changed, too. I moved in after a long season of being in a very emotionally hard time with a crazy living situation. I was vulnerable, blamed myself for alot, especially family stuff, i was very insecure about my identity, and was very much closed up. the last six months have opened me to so much, especially after what happened 2 years ago (almost 3) when i went through a time of shutting myself down and into a hole. I had a bad work situation, i was very much a "private person". i enjoyed time to myself. alot. too much.
the girls changed me alot. God changed me alot through the girls. I remember one sunday, the Chavda's were speaking at church and had us repeat something about our identity (something along the lines of "I am loved by Him" or something??) and I did not repeat it. i didn't say anything. Lashonne noticed and passed a note and i replied back "yea, i know i didnt say it. its cause i cant stand myself." she then just said "im sorry you say that. im praying".

if it weren't for these girls, I dont know what i would do. God is so strong.
we've done Bible studies, done a hannukah party, christmas parties, 4th of July cookout together at ANC, movies (TONS), ice cream, talking at the kitchen counter, laughed like fools, cooked together, shopped, made coffee, collaged.... wow. i am overwhelmed, and totally thankful for these girls. Em Lewin told me that i needed to be "delivered from the spirit of BS" when i told her that i still blamed myself for stuff that i didnt even do- when i was 5. and now, i realize how pathetic that must have sounded.

I was walking out to go to work this morning, and I happened to see the huge shoe mark that is on the ceiling of the room that Lewin was actually sleeping in. We found a huge spider in the crack of the wall, and we (Am, Em, and I) all were fighting about who would NOT kill it. we didnt want to. but we knew we had to get rid of it! we then found a sneaker of Em's, and Am did a George of the Jungle with it, flinging it and screaming, totally missing the spider. Em finally hit the spider, i grabbed Croc and whacked it-- when it was crawling in her purse. yea. yea. i know. but it made me have a flashback for real. I missed that night.

another night, i came in from a conference at church and totally fell in a Jesus drunken stupor into Em's room (its right by the front door). i proceeded to lay there for about 2 hours while she laughed at me and played guitar. It was so fun.

Olivia's French press, deep discussions with Liz, Amber shoving me off my bed and us fighting and teasing each other like we grew up together. the guitar playing, Ariel and I looking at cars online..... I love you girls so much.. i don't know what i would do. i loved sitting together as a huge group at ANC, getting lunch together, my birthday party! heck, how could i forget that?! that was so fun.
I have had so many adventures in this house. mostly, i am so thankful for the grace and the joy that God has given me for living here, not that it needed a ton of grace, but the privilege of living here is amazing.I am so grateful that God let me be a part of it all. im so grateful. it has been a gift, and i will never be the same.

God has really been showing me alot about how he is faithful, throughout the ages. the same God of Paul, David, Moses, Solomon, the ancients of the Promised land, Noah, Adam and Eve--- the same God, He is MY God! its overwhelming. the same God who they looked for in the cloud by day and fire by night, who they saw in the sky, in the stars, the same God who gave David the wisdom of using rocks to kill his enemy-- that SAME GOD is MY God! and he LOVES me so much. that boggles my mind. alot.
he has my best interest in mind. he loves me. he wants the best for me. and HE is my faithful provider.
...mmmm yup.

i love Jesus. Jesus absorbed all the wrath of God, so that I can be eternally LOVED by God! God has no more wrath-- and instead, my ashes are now beauty.instead of wallowing in CRAP, I can now stand strong in my salvation.

He is FAITHFUL, HE KNOWS. and i Love Him SO Much.....

youve ravished my heart. i want you. i love you. i delight in you.

Thank you Bekah for this song. it has wrecked my world. God has completely been speaking alot about love lately. theres been an increased season of harvest and favor on my life just this month- tremendous increase of finances, God basically paying my bills for me, little things just coming up that end up being a total answer of prayer- and i can feel God's heart just saying "i love you. i love you. you ravish me. you delight me. you are mine. Will you marry me? i don't regret choosing you. i am not shocked by your struggle. i am not disgusted or ashamed of you. you are my vessel, you are my chosen one. i will bring you to the end in strength. i see a strength in you when you can only see weakness in your life, but i see the end from the beginning. you barely just begun! so few will ever fight the good fight, even if you feel you are losing....." its just been total words of affirmation from the Lord. an amazing amount of favor on my life has been just tremendous. The Lord's hand is strong and mighty to save. He loves!! He is just LOVE. Real Love doesn't compromise! Abba doesn't compromise! He wants the best for His children! for His bride. He is not asleep, like an unresponsive man who sits in his chair all day and sleeps, responsive only when we wake him and when we need something- no, God watches His kids! His Bride! We have ravished his heart and he is overcome by his creation. its amazing really. its completely messing up my desires. any desire to even get married eventually (to an earthly husband) has been completely crucified. I am overtaken though! i don't even care! The Lord has taken me away into His garden and I am overcome with Him! His Love has overcome! His love has possessed my heart! His love has overcome my core! He has grabbed my heart and is doing surgery on it--- He is my cardiologist! He has ravished my heart and I have ravished His! He has made His proposal to me and I have accepted. He is so jealous for me right now, I am just feeling it so intensely. I feel waves of fire whenever i see Him, i see Him in his throne with waves of fire. i have to let my intellecutalism go everytime i think of Him. i used to have to take "hours" to get rid of the "block".... and i just have to unscrew my head now. the gospel is so simple! its so easy! its so THERE, we just have to be willing to sacrifice it all when we see it, and when we REALLY see it, its not a sacrifice, its more a desire to let everything go.

AAHHHHH GOD, RIP ME APART FOR YOU.... LET ME BE YOUR TRAINWRECK! CONSUME ME! AHHHHHHHHH GOD I LOVE YOU