again... its been awhile.

Hey there. i know, its been awhile since ive written anything. ha. sorry.
So, as some of you know, its been a crazy past few months. i havent had time to breathe. let alone blog. I moved yesterday into a house of girls, again. i needed to be with girls the entire time. i moved into a much bigger room with a walk in closet (which is actually now full of CRAP because of all my moving boxes, one day these will all be cleaned up!! i need more sterilites!) i literally walked in the door, saw the house and the room that i am now in, saw the closet and was SOLD. I signed the papers, went back to the house i was living in, and packed it all, and moved all the stuff over and unpacked in about 6 hours. yea. wow. im still amazed and the adrenaline rush is finally slowing down!! i didnt know i could move all my CRAP over in about 6 hours. its just amazing, i so was praying about being with girls. the Lord knows what i need. and he was more than happy to provide. the girls are great. theres a family of 4, and then 4 girls (2 are m* students). the only thing i need right now is a dresser/bureau. i really would like one that i can paint myself. i am currently having all my clothes in sterilite boxes and i dont like that. i need a dresser, Jesus. thanks.
so yea thats kind of what Jesus has been teaching me lately. about having this ridiculously mustard seed sized faith-- but the fact that its a tiny seed, it can produce a much bigger harvest. when we have the faith just to say, "HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS. AND HE HAS THAT MATTER IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND. HIS GREAT LOVE COVERS IT ALL AND WE CAN REST IN THE FACT THAT HE KNOWS AND HE IS TAKING CARE OF IT...." wow! wow wow wow!! what a joy!
what really has been huge lately in my life is Jesus' perfect sacrifice, this sacrifice that Abba made for us who were broken, abused, messed up, addicted to drugs, angry, alone.. he made the sacrifice for those who would never accept his perfect gift of love, too. those who outright reject JESUS, are still loved. its incredible what I have as a free gift in Jesus, yet I sometimes completely flip it around and say how much I am hated and how alone I am--- yet Jesus is completely overtaken by love for me--- He holds my world in His hands. He holds my tears in His hands even though i sometimes outright rejected Him.He CHOOSES to forget my faults and my guilt. and he still calls me His!! wow!! that truth overwhelms me to my core. i am so thankful for a merciful God who is completely and desperately in love with me, literally to the point of death!! I love that He is planning our wedding, knowing that just about anything He does will knock me off my feet! i cant wait to see Him face to face.
so anyways :) thats whats up. just the usual, ya know. work. i leave for the ANC Womans retreat in a bit less than 2 weeks and i am STOKED. completely STOKED. I dont really know what I am looking for in this but i do know that i need some beach time for real. i have been aching for a beach for about 2 years now...
Jesus, you are so good. i love you.

update!

its been nearly two months since my last blog and for that i apologize. i honestly have not really had any real motivation to blog. is that terrible?

I really have been "diggin" the message version of the Bible lately. It is just so life-transforming, i know now why it is such a huge thing in the church. it just isnt about the exact translation of the Bible.... its just so clearly contexted that it seems like its wrong translation and i think its a big source of people getting "offended" because its just such a wierd way of translating the Bible.(people, by the way, i have noticed, get way too offended by way too much and they need to calm down. wanna slap some of em.) its also one of the biggest life transforming versions of the Bible. its ridiculously easy to read.

Take, for instance, this: Psalm 46-

1-3 God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.
Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.

4-6 River fountains splash joy, cooling God's city,
this sacred haunt of the Most High.
God lives here, the streets are safe,
God at your service from crack of dawn.
Godless nations rant and rave, kings and kingdoms threaten,
but Earth does anything he says.

7 Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.

8-10 Attention, all! See the marvels of God!
He plants flowers and trees all over the earth,
Bans war from pole to pole,
breaks all the weapons across his knee.
"Step out of the traffic! Take a long,
loving look at me, your High God,
above politics, above everything."

11 Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us

I love this portion of scripture. i love the phrase "God of the Angel Armies"... and most of the references to God in the Message are as that-- which made me excited when i got the Bible. God has really been just amazing me with his goodness lately. He is just so good. and so loving. i love reading this Bible and seeing JESUS in a new light and reading it as if im watching this movie about Jesus via text in a Bible. its just so awesome. God has been really talking to me alot about my identity as well lately. I got this awesome set of words back about a month ago at a conference at church. Bobby Connor said a profound word about him seeing more of my identity. it just struck me cause thats exactly what God had said to me the night before when i went through a fire tunnel (and caught on fire because i was SO HOT , i could feel steam rising off me)... God said to me, himself, "i am going to be transforming your identity." the next day, Bobby said that to me. in front of my entire church. i have been rocked since that weekend. just a few weeks ago, Bonnie (love that woman) said that she saw something else about my identity. She said that she saw my dreams that have been given up---as a seed that has fallen to the ground and that when it hits the rock, it splits and out grows my identity. amazing. so awesome. i am so thankful for her. she said to me (just a minute after telling me that word) that she prays for me every day. i can feel her prayers every day. i think about her alot. to know that she is praying for me and my family, who she knows is not here with me....wow.... and she knows me by name, which is just--wow- cause she is internationally known.... but that makes me think about how God thinks about me all the time! HE, the king of the world, creator of the universe, healer, deliverer, redeemer, protector----- thinks about me and watches me 24/7!! !WOW what a concept. makes me feel so little. i love it. God watches out for the sparrow and for his children. OH HOW HE LOVES!!

check out this song, which i just love: (JesusCulture and Chris Quilala)



God has been really speaking to me alot about IHOPKC. I need to just go pray for a few months. it has really been testing my faith too because i really want to just go pray for a few months but i literally am terrified about not being able to pay bills. i know that is the dumbest fear in the world because-- as i said, the Lord will never leave his children if HE has called them. so my fear about money is really minor in God's eyes. i have alot of bills right now so i guess i cant see past the end of my checkbook--- but i literally am scared to not work. i think its cause my dad has a huge work ethic so it is ingrained into me and its part of my DNA. at the same time, i know that it wont last forever and the only thing that really counts in the end is our relationship with God----so, as you can see, I am torn. my heart breaks when i think about the virgins with the oil lamps when Jesus said to them "i do not know you." so im really thinking. some things have opened up to me in terms of a place to live even for a couple weeks this summer. so i am thinking about it, i really am. its just a hard debate, because of said work.

i am attending a women's retreat in May, one year to the date of my joining ANC, which is just amazing. cant believe have been there as a member for a whole year. i am so excited about this women's retreat. I wanted to go last year and was almost not able to go this year but God has pretty much MADE me go. God was like "remember how bad you wanted to go last year? I want you to go this year. you need a beach retreat with women and especially with Mama. I provide for every need that you have...." well, yea, he does! it costs about $225 to go and as of right now, i am completely paid off and im READY! i did it very quickly and i am amazed at how easily i paid for it. its hard because taxes are due too so i am kind of crunched but i know it is very much worth it. i need this time. it is worth it to pay $225 to hear pastor Bonnie speak for two days. she is priceless and i am loving hearing her speak at any given time.im just really excited. i am driving 3 women in my new car (which, i did get-- the Nissan Maxima...) and im really excited to hear testimonies and get to know the women better in the church.

other than that... just family stuff is going on....brother issues but i know that God has a way where there seems to be no way at all and i am so thankful. the Lord is so good and so providing. I love what i do for work ( a christian call center,,, crazy callers but i like it overall--- and the gym, of course).

people have been asking me about potentials for marriage/dating/etc... NO. thats pretty much all i should say. the Lord has NOT said its ok. in fact, He said just the opposite.so before you go asking me if i have found a husband........ no. just no. theres no one here who God has brought, he has told me a few times that he is JEALOUS for my attention right now and that my GOAL is to be HIS LOVER. He has asked me to pursue and love HIM as if HE is the ONLY husband ill ever have.He literally asked me to do that. so, no, there is no one who is in my life in that way. a few cute little panfishies but no real catches! :) sorry, wedding planners! and, at this rate, i dont really care anyways..... just doesnt affect me anymore.

i had the women who came to visit me and kidnap me to bring me to ANC when i first started going.... BEST visit ever. love those women...... they light up my life. just such a blessed conversation, made me realize how much i miss my friends-- and btw, im going to try to go to VT this summer sometime. i hope. :)

the Lord is so good and i just love him...he continually amazes me.... and that's about the summary of THAT.....
hopefully itll be less than two months til my next post. HA. sorry, kids.

God loves me, even though I'm crazy.

Been awhile :)
the last few weeks have been a total whirlwind of activity. they have really been some of the craziest weeks of my life. between a full work schedule (even more than full), errands and normal life stuff, i have had to move and get a new car figured out all at the same time. I moved this past Saturday, only taking three car loads (all i have) of stuff, and i got it all in. the people are great, i just really miss my girls a lot and i miss Duke, and its really hard to separate from the Wagner house of girls. its definitely a time of transition and I have a feeling God is separating me right now so that all that healing that happened on Wagner can now manifest. It was a very healing time and It was very very good. its just very intense to digest, especially six months in a "retreat" type home.
i work at a call center during the day. it definitely has its ups and downs, and the people are awesome, don't get me wrong. i love it. but there are for sure some crazy callers. I had a guy call yesterday who requested prayer because he was convinced that the enemy had a incredible stronghold over his life (And im sure, with the amount that he was talking about the enemy, that the enemy DOES have a huge stronghold.) I hate to say this, but with the rate that the enemy was being glorified by that man, you would think that the guy WANTED to be possessed. seriously. im not kidding. the guy was completely talking about the enemy having control over his finances, over everything in his life, how he was trying to kill him, etc. I asked the man, "you do know that the Lord is stronger than that, right?" and the man said "yes, i know" then he lept right back into the bad stuff, I felt SO incredibly slimy! what my heart was screaming was, "DO YOU KNOW THAT EVERYTIME YOU MENTION THE ENEMY's NAME, HE IS GLORIFIED? STOP! STOP! JUST STOP!" i was sickened by the amount that the enemy was being glorified and talked about. i felt so sick. the enemy needs to just be left alone! be aware of the enemy but dont talk about him having strongholds, that just lets the enemy know that you are SPEAKING that into existance!
i get other crazy callers, too. suicide calls, calls of dad's finding their 12 year old sons doing bad things in their parents room (really), husbands cheating on wives, homelessness, starvation... the list goes on. its a normal thing to have a sob story. its sad, but its true. it happens. but as i listen to these callers, i realize why the Lord has various types of ministries, and why the church system works. we are all crazy! we all have our crazy little habits, our little pet peeves, our little quirks and stuff.... yet God adores us.my brain goes about 300 miles an hour most of the time (except for right after i wake up) and slow people drive me nuts (thats what is the most irritating about some of the callers, too, they are 95 years old and have no idea how to read a credit card. very irritating sometimes.)yet somehow,some way, God has this crazy love for the little quirky people. those people who never had a "traditional" life. God has this crazy space in His heart for those who have been orphaned or left by one parent, ive noticed. God really loves the orphans. and those who work with orphans see that! Heidi sees that, with her hundreds of children in the bush. George Mueller. the orphans in Asia. God loves the orphans! and those who run the orphanages are the crazy ones too!! there is no such thing as "NORMAL" or "STATUS QUO" anymore.

But God's grace quickly frustrates all such dreams. A great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves, is bound to overwhelm us as surely as God desires to lead us to an understanding of genuine Christian community. . . . The sooner this moment of disillusionment comes over the individual and the community, the better for both. . . . Those who love their dream of a Christian community more than the Christian community itself become destroyers of that Christian community even though their personal intentions may be ever so honest, earnest, and sacrificial. -- D.Bonhoeffer

i dont really know where im going with this. anyways.

everytime you think you are a little off your rocker, thats ok. its normal to not be normal :) dont feel bad. God loves you anyways.

:)

six months ago.

so, as some of you know..

my beloved house is no longer a home to all of us. we are all moving, all seperating. i have lived with about 7 other females in the last 6 months- 2 Emily's, Liz, Amber, Alora, Lashonne, and Liv. I cant believe how much I have changed, too. I moved in after a long season of being in a very emotionally hard time with a crazy living situation. I was vulnerable, blamed myself for alot, especially family stuff, i was very insecure about my identity, and was very much closed up. the last six months have opened me to so much, especially after what happened 2 years ago (almost 3) when i went through a time of shutting myself down and into a hole. I had a bad work situation, i was very much a "private person". i enjoyed time to myself. alot. too much.
the girls changed me alot. God changed me alot through the girls. I remember one sunday, the Chavda's were speaking at church and had us repeat something about our identity (something along the lines of "I am loved by Him" or something??) and I did not repeat it. i didn't say anything. Lashonne noticed and passed a note and i replied back "yea, i know i didnt say it. its cause i cant stand myself." she then just said "im sorry you say that. im praying".

if it weren't for these girls, I dont know what i would do. God is so strong.
we've done Bible studies, done a hannukah party, christmas parties, 4th of July cookout together at ANC, movies (TONS), ice cream, talking at the kitchen counter, laughed like fools, cooked together, shopped, made coffee, collaged.... wow. i am overwhelmed, and totally thankful for these girls. Em Lewin told me that i needed to be "delivered from the spirit of BS" when i told her that i still blamed myself for stuff that i didnt even do- when i was 5. and now, i realize how pathetic that must have sounded.

I was walking out to go to work this morning, and I happened to see the huge shoe mark that is on the ceiling of the room that Lewin was actually sleeping in. We found a huge spider in the crack of the wall, and we (Am, Em, and I) all were fighting about who would NOT kill it. we didnt want to. but we knew we had to get rid of it! we then found a sneaker of Em's, and Am did a George of the Jungle with it, flinging it and screaming, totally missing the spider. Em finally hit the spider, i grabbed Croc and whacked it-- when it was crawling in her purse. yea. yea. i know. but it made me have a flashback for real. I missed that night.

another night, i came in from a conference at church and totally fell in a Jesus drunken stupor into Em's room (its right by the front door). i proceeded to lay there for about 2 hours while she laughed at me and played guitar. It was so fun.

Olivia's French press, deep discussions with Liz, Amber shoving me off my bed and us fighting and teasing each other like we grew up together. the guitar playing, Ariel and I looking at cars online..... I love you girls so much.. i don't know what i would do. i loved sitting together as a huge group at ANC, getting lunch together, my birthday party! heck, how could i forget that?! that was so fun.
I have had so many adventures in this house. mostly, i am so thankful for the grace and the joy that God has given me for living here, not that it needed a ton of grace, but the privilege of living here is amazing.I am so grateful that God let me be a part of it all. im so grateful. it has been a gift, and i will never be the same.

God has really been showing me alot about how he is faithful, throughout the ages. the same God of Paul, David, Moses, Solomon, the ancients of the Promised land, Noah, Adam and Eve--- the same God, He is MY God! its overwhelming. the same God who they looked for in the cloud by day and fire by night, who they saw in the sky, in the stars, the same God who gave David the wisdom of using rocks to kill his enemy-- that SAME GOD is MY God! and he LOVES me so much. that boggles my mind. alot.
he has my best interest in mind. he loves me. he wants the best for me. and HE is my faithful provider.
...mmmm yup.

i love Jesus. Jesus absorbed all the wrath of God, so that I can be eternally LOVED by God! God has no more wrath-- and instead, my ashes are now beauty.instead of wallowing in CRAP, I can now stand strong in my salvation.

He is FAITHFUL, HE KNOWS. and i Love Him SO Much.....

in the silence.

So, as some of you know, my car died. completely. 2 weeks ago. I was at an intersection in Pineville (between my house and my work), and Beatrice decided that she had enough of living and decided to finish her life right in the middle of the intersection. I thought, ok, its freezing, i may be low on gas. I ended up getting a gas can from another driver and trying to fill it up, nope. there was a cop behind me, and he tried to jump my car with my roommate's. nope. so, thus, my car sat in the Bassett Furniture store parking lot for 3 days until I could get a tow truck to get it to my mechanic friend. mechanic said it was totally shot. I borrowed a friends car for a week, and have been pretty desperate in the search to find a new one for myself. looking online, talking to the mechanic about the best options, talking to my dad and my dad's best friend..... its been a very hectic 2 weeks. VERY hectic.
i went to a car sales place in Rock Hill yesterday. the guy who had a Sentra that i was looking at was really rude, but i decided to check out the car anyways. I brought the sentra up to the mechanic, brought it back, and there were a million things wrong with the car. I was searching yesterday for certain cars, and just couldnt find "the one". I had borrowed my roommates car for the day in hopes of finding one... seeing as I am on a time crunch and really need to find a car as soon as i can, to no avail.
Very, VERY, VERY frustrated with myself for pretty much wasting my entire day off looking at cars unsuccessfully, and very irritated cause i couldnt find "the one", I just started bawling. right in my roommates car. I was so beyond tired, and annoyed at this point i didnt even care. I hadnt slept (still havent) in about a week, and so frustrated because I really didnt even know where to look.... i was just sobbing in the car. so frustrated. I didnt even know. I was just like "God, i need a car. i give up searching.i HATE depending on people for rides and, especially so close to Christmas, i have way too much to do right now...."
i felt the Spirit of God so thick in that car...it just fell as soon as i said that. I instantly felt such a "WHOOSH!" of the Father just looking at me and saying to my anxious heart that has yelled in desperation to him so many times before, "I have your back! you know i love you, you know i have the one. I cant give it to you unless you surrender it to me!"
suddenly there was such a peace about it all.
I came home and was kind of excited actually, knowing it was just around the corner....
lo and behold, my dad's best friend is going to look at a Nissan Maxima this morning, which is the best deal we have found thus far, and I have a really good feeling about it. heck, it even has a sun roof... and thats a secret thing that i would really love.
and, its only $1k above what we were intending to spend.
nice.
im just praying right now to see if its THE ONE. if so, i may have a new car in my possession/my driveway before new years.
all because God just told me to give up this entire thing.
His presence is so thick and so strong.... and i just love Him so much. He brings my heart such joy. my world, my schedule, my life is crazy insane right now with work and this car thing and now a few other major things....but every day he just refreshes my tired body and soul.... and i just live day by day.... its teaching me real dependency on Him.
it sucks sometimes but its so worth it.

in the valley.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
"And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me 'My Husband,' and no longer will you call me 'My Baal.' For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. Hosea 2.14

My lovely pastor spoke today about the valley.
It's been the story of my life for about 3 years now.
where i am in the desert, in the valley and i can hear God's heart whispering to me "come away... come away...." but i so often ignore that voice, "ill get to it later".he calls, not begging or pleading, but longing. he wont pull us there, he will draw us there. we will WANT to go into that place. its when we are desperate, when we are shunned by the world, called forsaken, called forgotten, we have stage 4 cancer, our family is falling apart, we are at our wits end-- then he calls us away. we dance in the wilderness. we dance with HIM in the wilderness. he says to our hearts, in its fragments and broken pieces, "its ok. you are safe here. this is intimacy with me. you are safe. i see you in your broken places. i love you, oh i see those tears and i have them in a bottle. you are safe. you can be yourself and i will love you for it."there, we lean into his embrace as he holds us close to his heart. we rest our weary head on his shoulder and he teaches us how to pray. he carries us through the dryness. we are carried through the valley, he refreshes us with his living water. we speak another language.
and we survive. we learn real intimacy with the Lord and we are never the same. it changes us, it changes our hearts. we learn how to cry and know we are being heard.
and we are never the same.
the Lord has brought me through so many valleys, where i just cant "feel" Him. Where i feel overwhelmingly lost, confused and broken, asking, "where are you? why do i feel so alone?" But, then, he has never left me. it was in the silence that he was speaking.
Jason Upton has a song that always penetrates deep into my heart:




it always gets me so much how the Lord speaks to our deepest places. He speaks to me alot as I'm falling asleep in a dark room. Its very intimate conversations. I feel so refreshed after. He speaks and I just ponder, think, write. thats when i can feel the kiss of heaven on my forehead.
the funny thing? that time of deep intimacy with the Lord usually comes when i am in an intense crises in my life. when something is wrong, then he lures me away from it so i can lean on my beloved.
that ends up being a permanent "lean", so we end up like this bride in Song of Solomon.

Who is that coming up from the wilderness,
leaning on her beloved? (Songs 8.5)

i really dont know where im going with this but i just like how God is speaking stuff to me about it all. i need to just sit and journal.

Time.

It is no more crazy than a dog finding a rainbow. Dogs are colourblind, Gretchen. They don't see colour. Just like we don't see time. We can feel it, we can feel it passing, but we can't see it. It's just like a blur. It's like we're riding in a supersonic train and the world is just blowing by, but imagine if we could stop that train, eh, Gretchen? Imagine if we could stop that train, get out, look around, and see time for what it really is? A universe, a world, a thing as unimaginable as colour to a dog, and as real, as tangible as that chair you're sitting in. Now if we could see it like that, really look at it, then maybe we could see the flaws as well as the form.---- Stuart, from Kate and Leopold

Ive been thinking alot about time. time passes so fast, yet we cant see it-- like in the quote above.
It is my 21st birthday. Really, im kinda shocked. But you know what? I'm still the same person. I have the same skin color, eyes, bones, organs, muscles, brain, blood type, veins, heart-- the same ones i was born with. the only thing that has changed them is time. as i get older (with time), they change a little bit, aging and being changed by my surroundings. But you know what else? in our lives, the thing that majorly changes, affects our attitudes, situations, reactions, how we talk to others-- that change takes place in our spirits. We live, remember things, laugh, cry, think and communicate through our spirits. we can say "ive changed so much", but in actuality, its your spirit that has changed. it goes from glory to glory.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. -1 Corinthians 3:18

Have you ever seen Kate and Leopold? I love that movie. In this movie, a man from the 21st century is hurled into the 19th century by jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge. He is followed back to the 21st century by a man who is actually his great great grandfather who eventually invented the elevator. Heres the summary:

Meg Ryan stars as Kate McKay, a modern female executive in New York City whose drive to succeed in the cutthroat corporate world has left little time for romance. When her genius ex-boyfriend Stuart (Liev Schreiber) opens a portal in time, the experiment transports Leopold (Hugh Jackman) from 1867 to the present day. A charming bachelor and the royal "Third Duke of Albany" in his own time, Leopold is fascinated by the 21st century. As the courtly Leopold and the decidedly liberated Kate tour the town, a mutual attraction develops into something deeper, a relationship that's threatened by Leopold's temporary chronological status-- http://www.starpulse.com/Movies/Kate_and_Leopold/Summary/

In this movie, Kate and Leopold are hanging out in NYC, and in one scene (in the 21st century), Leopold sees his childhood home (the beginning of the movie was taking place in the house). he goes inside and sees that it has changed 200 years later. He finds a childhood treasure box, his mirror and his quarters. It has changed to become a children's room, as it appears. He sees it and realizes that time has changed the surroundings. the room is the same since he was in there (chronologically 200 years prior), the mirror is in the same place, its just a different time. time has changed. (theres a trippy scene later that Kate is looking into the mirror at the same "time" as Leopold, who was looking into it to prepare for his 1876 ball, the scene switches between them and between time, even if the mirror is the same)... it really makes you think about how you spend YOUR time when you are going day by day, the daily grind. I heard a quote once that said,

"I dont want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well" -Diane Ackerman

I really dont want to do this:

Lisa Alther: "Just as you began to feel that you could make good use of time, there was no time left to you."

I want to make my life count. I dont want to look back 4 years from today, knowing the things i want to do this year never got done. I want to do everything I can to not waste the time God has given me on the earth.

check out this sick time lapse video:



how are you going to live today to make YOUR time count?