Thursday, August 29, 2013
Starting a New Project!!!
WOW.
it has been a YEAR AND A HALF since i have blogged.
in addition to EVERYTHING else i am doing :)..... (a new business, work in general, church stuff...) i have some pretty exciting news. I just signed up to be a book reviewer with a company called Waterbrook Multnomah. Its a Christian Publisher. I am so excited to get FREE books sent to me to review and share my opinion on (since i am such a book freak).
The book reviews will happen on this blog.
:)
stay tuned! ill let you know what book i receive and my take on it!
-Hannah
Friday, January 13, 2012
art.
WHOA! been awhile. like 6 months. yikes.
so i have recently started the book "Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. it is to DIScover and REcover your creative self that has been shut down by circumstances, even by our own permission to let "ourselves" kind of die in that area or to be putting our creative ability on a back burner. i did my "tasks" for the first week today..(there's a list of 10+ "tasks" weekly...either writing or a practical and hands on thing....in addition to "morning pages" which is 3 pages of stream of consciousness writing....first thing in the morning....and also a good 10 pages of info to read and interact with...lists and stuff integrated...its an intense amount of writing!).. and it WRECKED me. Julia uses a Christian/ spiritual perspective to write her book. as thought provoking or painful as this book may be-- it really is such a good read/study. it is very challenging emotionally at parts. i had to really think about what circumstances i went through that shut down my creativity. ART is of GOD and i let it die for 4 years. yea. i know. 4 years. its barely recovering now. the Lord has done ALOT to work and recover it and its definately not where it should be. art is my weakness. a good piece of art, not even painting but ANY art- collage, scrapbooking, pottery..... is my weakness. so I had to really think and i was really feeling that i should write down a page of what i was telling myself that was making my creativity blocked. every negative comment, i wrote it on one page. then the next page (this took up one spread of a special sketchbook i bought for this course) i wrote all the TRUTHS and affirmations that i needed to believe or that was really the truths of who i am and what i need to be hearing and saying. on the "lies" page, this was the junk that the "core negative beliefs" were speaking. after i wrote these, i took a big black sharpie--- and it was SO hard to do but I wrote LIES across the page. in sharpie. in big letters. like 7 times. but it was such a release. and as hard as it was, I had to be the one LETTING THESE VOICES GO. i had to be the one BREAKING IT OFF. if i didnt choose to stop listening- they would continue to speak. these voices come from the LOGIC side of the brain that is also associated with MATH/SCIENCE...its the "thinking" side that I overuse!) this voice is the voice of a strict parent or teacher who lied and said "you cannot do this." on the 2nd page (positive affirmations) i wrote the GOOD things... that i am CREATED to create, i am created to artistically describe the heart of God. OH HOW WRECKED I GOT OVER THIS self made exercise! It wasnt even a task in the book and i did it and felt amazing release. the other pages i wrote were big bad scary monsters who came and jumped out of my artistic closet and shut down my art side. my little kid who i didnt let out to play because i was thinking "I AM TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!" or "I AM NOT ENOUGH!" ouch! the whole darn exercise hurt!
so i was at the watch 3 hours later (tonight) and I was writing in my journal (which i have to make myself do now because i WANT TO DO all these artsy things but i slack too much!!) and suddenly was hit with this idea. God was bored before he made the earth. God is the one who created artists and funny people.God has a hysterical time creating future artists and comedians. i think God is absolutely hilarious. so I was wondering "were YOU bored before creating the earth? before creating me? my friends> my family members? before creating the galaxies??" it kind of hit me. I told Him i would really love to see how he made a sunrise and how it looks painted and it just seemed like a fun thing to do while i was asleep at 4 am so he started whipping out an easel ( that is like 3000000 miles long) and telling clay to make itself (because he didnt want to make it himself) so he could color. so as i peel myself out of bed, he is painting this amazing picture so as i go walking in the morning i will have this AWESOME looking sunrise to zone out to as i listen to Rita Springer and work out this body (That HE also made with some dirt, water and air.. all of which he made... yea..... this creativity stuff is amazing). then it struck me, i dealt with an intense self hatred for like 6 years or more and it just is ending now but i can say im over it (finally thank the Lord). I was hearing this: "Hannah, what if you made a really amazing clay pot. what if you made this pot the best you could ever possibly make it and put your heart and soul into it, you put everything you are into it, its all shiny and its blue and it looks gorgeous. its YOURS. you love it. you love to use it, you love to play with it, you love to display it.you love to drink from it. what if one day that pot had a personality and decided it hated itself. what if it decided that because it was not PERFECT (ok, there was a minor chip in the handle or something tiny), that it was ugly and unusable and that it was not worth using, that the pot HATED itself. that the pot, even though it knew it was your pot, it was thinking it was absolutely disgusting and that it was not worth using.but you love that pot, dont you? you made it? you would be so grieved in your heart but you would tell the pot to get over itself because it is beautiful and you made it so that is enough....SAME WITH YOU! i made you (my pot) and you are beautiful because you are MINE!
OUCH! WHOA!
i have no idea why i got so sloshed off this tonight! its not even like its a new thing but the DESCRIPTION that was used (the pot) was INCREDIBLE. it really got me. i journaled off this and got WRECKED.
new truth: i was created to create.i was made to make. i am made in the image of an artist. art is my therapy. art is where my heart is at. my heart is in recovery to do exactly what it was made to do- to create.
this radiated in my heart after this lesson:
hello, wreckage!!
theres so many ART projects i want to work on now that i am letting myself be creative. I AM LETTING MYSELF LET GO which is the biggest battle of all!! its the biggest, strongest struggle-- to LET MYSELF GO. so i let go. i am letting myself be creative, i CHOOSE to shut down the voices in my head- not to "inspire someone" but to be someone who allows the Lord to use them as a vessel:
and to speak LOVE to the Lord by doing what He made me to do. I am working on a scrapbook right now, in addition to the journals i make, knitting, pastels, DANCE, and learning guitar.... mostly this scrapbook that the Lord told me to make.....
so, thus we begin....12 weeks of painful art heart surgery but I know the Lord told me to get this book so he can work through it to recover my heart... after all, he is a creative heart surgeon!! :)
so i have recently started the book "Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. it is to DIScover and REcover your creative self that has been shut down by circumstances, even by our own permission to let "ourselves" kind of die in that area or to be putting our creative ability on a back burner. i did my "tasks" for the first week today..(there's a list of 10+ "tasks" weekly...either writing or a practical and hands on thing....in addition to "morning pages" which is 3 pages of stream of consciousness writing....first thing in the morning....and also a good 10 pages of info to read and interact with...lists and stuff integrated...its an intense amount of writing!).. and it WRECKED me. Julia uses a Christian/ spiritual perspective to write her book. as thought provoking or painful as this book may be-- it really is such a good read/study. it is very challenging emotionally at parts. i had to really think about what circumstances i went through that shut down my creativity. ART is of GOD and i let it die for 4 years. yea. i know. 4 years. its barely recovering now. the Lord has done ALOT to work and recover it and its definately not where it should be. art is my weakness. a good piece of art, not even painting but ANY art- collage, scrapbooking, pottery..... is my weakness. so I had to really think and i was really feeling that i should write down a page of what i was telling myself that was making my creativity blocked. every negative comment, i wrote it on one page. then the next page (this took up one spread of a special sketchbook i bought for this course) i wrote all the TRUTHS and affirmations that i needed to believe or that was really the truths of who i am and what i need to be hearing and saying. on the "lies" page, this was the junk that the "core negative beliefs" were speaking. after i wrote these, i took a big black sharpie--- and it was SO hard to do but I wrote LIES across the page. in sharpie. in big letters. like 7 times. but it was such a release. and as hard as it was, I had to be the one LETTING THESE VOICES GO. i had to be the one BREAKING IT OFF. if i didnt choose to stop listening- they would continue to speak. these voices come from the LOGIC side of the brain that is also associated with MATH/SCIENCE...its the "thinking" side that I overuse!) this voice is the voice of a strict parent or teacher who lied and said "you cannot do this." on the 2nd page (positive affirmations) i wrote the GOOD things... that i am CREATED to create, i am created to artistically describe the heart of God. OH HOW WRECKED I GOT OVER THIS self made exercise! It wasnt even a task in the book and i did it and felt amazing release. the other pages i wrote were big bad scary monsters who came and jumped out of my artistic closet and shut down my art side. my little kid who i didnt let out to play because i was thinking "I AM TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!" or "I AM NOT ENOUGH!" ouch! the whole darn exercise hurt!
so i was at the watch 3 hours later (tonight) and I was writing in my journal (which i have to make myself do now because i WANT TO DO all these artsy things but i slack too much!!) and suddenly was hit with this idea. God was bored before he made the earth. God is the one who created artists and funny people.God has a hysterical time creating future artists and comedians. i think God is absolutely hilarious. so I was wondering "were YOU bored before creating the earth? before creating me? my friends> my family members? before creating the galaxies??" it kind of hit me. I told Him i would really love to see how he made a sunrise and how it looks painted and it just seemed like a fun thing to do while i was asleep at 4 am so he started whipping out an easel ( that is like 3000000 miles long) and telling clay to make itself (because he didnt want to make it himself) so he could color. so as i peel myself out of bed, he is painting this amazing picture so as i go walking in the morning i will have this AWESOME looking sunrise to zone out to as i listen to Rita Springer and work out this body (That HE also made with some dirt, water and air.. all of which he made... yea..... this creativity stuff is amazing). then it struck me, i dealt with an intense self hatred for like 6 years or more and it just is ending now but i can say im over it (finally thank the Lord). I was hearing this: "Hannah, what if you made a really amazing clay pot. what if you made this pot the best you could ever possibly make it and put your heart and soul into it, you put everything you are into it, its all shiny and its blue and it looks gorgeous. its YOURS. you love it. you love to use it, you love to play with it, you love to display it.you love to drink from it. what if one day that pot had a personality and decided it hated itself. what if it decided that because it was not PERFECT (ok, there was a minor chip in the handle or something tiny), that it was ugly and unusable and that it was not worth using, that the pot HATED itself. that the pot, even though it knew it was your pot, it was thinking it was absolutely disgusting and that it was not worth using.but you love that pot, dont you? you made it? you would be so grieved in your heart but you would tell the pot to get over itself because it is beautiful and you made it so that is enough....SAME WITH YOU! i made you (my pot) and you are beautiful because you are MINE!
OUCH! WHOA!
i have no idea why i got so sloshed off this tonight! its not even like its a new thing but the DESCRIPTION that was used (the pot) was INCREDIBLE. it really got me. i journaled off this and got WRECKED.
new truth: i was created to create.i was made to make. i am made in the image of an artist. art is my therapy. art is where my heart is at. my heart is in recovery to do exactly what it was made to do- to create.
this radiated in my heart after this lesson:
Isaiah 43.1-7
1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.”
hello, wreckage!!
theres so many ART projects i want to work on now that i am letting myself be creative. I AM LETTING MYSELF LET GO which is the biggest battle of all!! its the biggest, strongest struggle-- to LET MYSELF GO. so i let go. i am letting myself be creative, i CHOOSE to shut down the voices in my head- not to "inspire someone" but to be someone who allows the Lord to use them as a vessel:
2 Corinthians 4.7: However, we possess this precious treasure [the divine Light of the Gospel] in [frail, human] vessels of earth, that the grandeur and exceeding greatness of the power may be shown to be from God and not from ourselves.
and to speak LOVE to the Lord by doing what He made me to do. I am working on a scrapbook right now, in addition to the journals i make, knitting, pastels, DANCE, and learning guitar.... mostly this scrapbook that the Lord told me to make.....
so, thus we begin....12 weeks of painful art heart surgery but I know the Lord told me to get this book so he can work through it to recover my heart... after all, he is a creative heart surgeon!! :)
Thursday, September 29, 2011
all i want is you Jesus....
we had a conference last weekend. it was beyond amazing. Heidi stated something that really struck me. she said that "if all you want is Jesus, then you struggle with the orphan mentality. if you did not have the orphan mentality, you would want things." that really struck a chord. how many times have i said "all i want is you Jesus." i caught myself saying that last night, saying "God, all i want is your heart". and i heard a prompt reply: "you have my heart! you have always had it!" which led me to know..... what else could i want?
so many people get hung up on "the anointing" and having a title.\i have had people at work call in and INSIST that we use their title "prophetess" or "apostle" or "minister"... that drives me absolutely insane. you are human, you are man, you are woman, before you have a title that deems you as a "minister". i will refer to you as human before i ever refer to you as "minister" or whathaveyou. because without the title, without the fluff and "shaba"s, thats all we really are anyways, right? is bare, shameful humanity that can only be saved by the grace of God. bare, raw humanity that God just calls unto himself. thats the beauty of grace. it transforms us from a ripped apart, scarred, bruised, broken human to something beautiful that only God can recreate. did you know that caterpillars have to "die" before becoming a butterfly? did you know that they have to go into hiding, into a secret place by themself so they can be transformed into their glory? they have to basically digest themselves so the cells can recreate a new body and wings. isnt that amazing? it shows how vulnerable a butterfly is. they have to die in order to be restored. they have to go into a place of shame, of utterly being alone, so they can live. God's been teaching me alot about butterflies. ive been seeing them everywhere. they always like to fly over my car. the yellow ones come around alot.
the conference really reset me. i have been struggling alot in my life, looking at people and at circumstances to define who i was and how i based my decisions. I have had my life totally revamped since Heidi's sessions when she spoke about breaking orphan mentalities, about reckless abandonment. about letting him kiss me to death and love me to life. let him revive me. God spoke alot this weekend about depending on Him alone. one day i was laying on the ground and could hear God saying, "if i had replaced this person or that person in your life, you never would have learned to depend on me..." that was earthshaking! if we are whole and healed completely... then we would not need God's wrecking! we would not need Him if we were "in one piece". how long i have asked God to "fix me". to "heal" me..... and i didnt realize that if i was ever totally perfected that I would not need Him alone for everything. that is the place i want to get to, where I utterly and completely cannot survive or function without Him. that is the heart i want is one of desperate abandonment. of utter recklessness and heartache without Him. to have the thought of not being with God every second of every day to be one thought that would shatter me. to have the complete lovesickness that God has for me to be one that i love Him with.i heard a quote this weekend "Love God as much as you yourself want to be loved". that is so heart-wrenching. we are made in the image of God, so if we want to be loved, fought for, pursued- fiercely---especially as women-- isnt that how GOD HIMSELF wants to be loved!? isnt that a crazy thought? women, you know what im talking about. you know how it is to want to be recklessly loved.... that's what God wants. the pursuer of my heart is showing me how he wants to be pursued! he is the one who wants to be romanced, to be on the beach under the moon and listening to the water lapping up-- i have never felt closer to God than when i was in Maine at the beach at 10pm with the moon shining bright, totally alone on the beach, with the waves lapping up. that is the best feeling in the world. that is my heart. i just stood there barefoot and loved every second. i was completely at peace and could hear things going on on the boardwalk but i was so tuned out that i was hearing the songs of heaven louder than i was hearing the yelling of kids.
i have cut off several relationships lately because of what they were doing to my relationship with God. they were a distraction. they were in the way completely.they were in the way of my knowing my place in God's heart.
I had a dietician appointment this week for deficiencies and to see what im allergic to--- and it was a good chunk of change by the time i was done. i didnt pay for it but i felt extremely guilty of taking that much money for my health. my aunt knew what i was thinking and stopped it immediately "your health is worth it. stop belitting yourself". i felt super guilty for some reason! like i wasnt worth that much money, that my health wasnt worth the huge chunk of change. i still feel guilty to an extent but its just proving how much of an orphan mentality that i have still. it just proves that i dont understand the concept of "letting dad pay for it". my roommate said "isnt that what kids do, they spend their dad's money! youre supposed to!" i NEED to let that happen, i need to let myself get uncomfortable with it so i know i actually am worth it. after so long of thinking i am literally nothing, i am "scum"--- i dont know how to let myself go or let people spend money on me. even if its for good cause. like my health. very hard lesson but i guess thats the point....
anyways. just ponderings....
so many people get hung up on "the anointing" and having a title.\i have had people at work call in and INSIST that we use their title "prophetess" or "apostle" or "minister"... that drives me absolutely insane. you are human, you are man, you are woman, before you have a title that deems you as a "minister". i will refer to you as human before i ever refer to you as "minister" or whathaveyou. because without the title, without the fluff and "shaba"s, thats all we really are anyways, right? is bare, shameful humanity that can only be saved by the grace of God. bare, raw humanity that God just calls unto himself. thats the beauty of grace. it transforms us from a ripped apart, scarred, bruised, broken human to something beautiful that only God can recreate. did you know that caterpillars have to "die" before becoming a butterfly? did you know that they have to go into hiding, into a secret place by themself so they can be transformed into their glory? they have to basically digest themselves so the cells can recreate a new body and wings. isnt that amazing? it shows how vulnerable a butterfly is. they have to die in order to be restored. they have to go into a place of shame, of utterly being alone, so they can live. God's been teaching me alot about butterflies. ive been seeing them everywhere. they always like to fly over my car. the yellow ones come around alot.
the conference really reset me. i have been struggling alot in my life, looking at people and at circumstances to define who i was and how i based my decisions. I have had my life totally revamped since Heidi's sessions when she spoke about breaking orphan mentalities, about reckless abandonment. about letting him kiss me to death and love me to life. let him revive me. God spoke alot this weekend about depending on Him alone. one day i was laying on the ground and could hear God saying, "if i had replaced this person or that person in your life, you never would have learned to depend on me..." that was earthshaking! if we are whole and healed completely... then we would not need God's wrecking! we would not need Him if we were "in one piece". how long i have asked God to "fix me". to "heal" me..... and i didnt realize that if i was ever totally perfected that I would not need Him alone for everything. that is the place i want to get to, where I utterly and completely cannot survive or function without Him. that is the heart i want is one of desperate abandonment. of utter recklessness and heartache without Him. to have the thought of not being with God every second of every day to be one thought that would shatter me. to have the complete lovesickness that God has for me to be one that i love Him with.i heard a quote this weekend "Love God as much as you yourself want to be loved". that is so heart-wrenching. we are made in the image of God, so if we want to be loved, fought for, pursued- fiercely---especially as women-- isnt that how GOD HIMSELF wants to be loved!? isnt that a crazy thought? women, you know what im talking about. you know how it is to want to be recklessly loved.... that's what God wants. the pursuer of my heart is showing me how he wants to be pursued! he is the one who wants to be romanced, to be on the beach under the moon and listening to the water lapping up-- i have never felt closer to God than when i was in Maine at the beach at 10pm with the moon shining bright, totally alone on the beach, with the waves lapping up. that is the best feeling in the world. that is my heart. i just stood there barefoot and loved every second. i was completely at peace and could hear things going on on the boardwalk but i was so tuned out that i was hearing the songs of heaven louder than i was hearing the yelling of kids.
i have cut off several relationships lately because of what they were doing to my relationship with God. they were a distraction. they were in the way completely.they were in the way of my knowing my place in God's heart.
I had a dietician appointment this week for deficiencies and to see what im allergic to--- and it was a good chunk of change by the time i was done. i didnt pay for it but i felt extremely guilty of taking that much money for my health. my aunt knew what i was thinking and stopped it immediately "your health is worth it. stop belitting yourself". i felt super guilty for some reason! like i wasnt worth that much money, that my health wasnt worth the huge chunk of change. i still feel guilty to an extent but its just proving how much of an orphan mentality that i have still. it just proves that i dont understand the concept of "letting dad pay for it". my roommate said "isnt that what kids do, they spend their dad's money! youre supposed to!" i NEED to let that happen, i need to let myself get uncomfortable with it so i know i actually am worth it. after so long of thinking i am literally nothing, i am "scum"--- i dont know how to let myself go or let people spend money on me. even if its for good cause. like my health. very hard lesson but i guess thats the point....
anyways. just ponderings....
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
tongues.
so.... im back to "reality". i had the best time this past weekend though... i had fun. i laughed so hard i got a headache and my face hurt. at the same time. yea. i talked to so many people, got to know them, hung out..... yea. best weekend ever. we have so many ridiculous jokes.
i work at a Christian Call Center in Fort Mill. I was asked several times the last 2 weeks to pray for people who want the gift of tongues-- which was sparked by a minister who we work with. I even was asked by a man to speak in tongues so he could repeat it because he was "a little nervous". I refused (and later found out that several others were asked the same thing by this man). I told him... "I can speak in tongues and, yes, i believe in tongues, but I will not speak it to you because I feel uncomfortable, and Its something that the Holy Spirit alone will do and it will not be sparked by another person". Tongues is not something that we just start saying without the Holy Spirit initiating---- and sometimes tongues is not necessarily our spiritual gift. sometimes the Lord does not bestow that gift on certain people. Tongues is not something we may understand but its not something we NEED to understand either. The Holy Spirit made people speak in tongues in Acts 2. check this out as well:
Tongues is only ONE of these gifts. not the only gift of being baptised with the Holy Spirit. Tongues is not synonymous or proof of the Holy Spirit's presence in your life, and Tongues is not a gift to be sought after-- its a GIFT, not a right or even a requirement.
anyways, my 2 cents....
i work at a Christian Call Center in Fort Mill. I was asked several times the last 2 weeks to pray for people who want the gift of tongues-- which was sparked by a minister who we work with. I even was asked by a man to speak in tongues so he could repeat it because he was "a little nervous". I refused (and later found out that several others were asked the same thing by this man). I told him... "I can speak in tongues and, yes, i believe in tongues, but I will not speak it to you because I feel uncomfortable, and Its something that the Holy Spirit alone will do and it will not be sparked by another person". Tongues is not something that we just start saying without the Holy Spirit initiating---- and sometimes tongues is not necessarily our spiritual gift. sometimes the Lord does not bestow that gift on certain people. Tongues is not something we may understand but its not something we NEED to understand either. The Holy Spirit made people speak in tongues in Acts 2. check this out as well:
God's various gifts are handed out everywhere; but they all originate in God's Spirit. God's various ministries are carried out everywhere; but they all originate in God's Spirit. God's various expressions of power are in action everywhere; but God himself is behind it all. Each person is given something to do that shows who God is: Everyone gets in on it, everyone benefits. All kinds of things are handed out by the Spirit, and to all kinds of people! The variety is wonderful:
wise counsel
clear understanding
simple trust
healing the sick
miraculous acts
proclamation
distinguishing between spirits
tongues
interpretation of tongues.
All these gifts have a common origin, but are handed out one by one by the one Spirit of God. He decides who gets what, and when.-- 1 Cor. 12:4-11 MSG
Tongues is only ONE of these gifts. not the only gift of being baptised with the Holy Spirit. Tongues is not synonymous or proof of the Holy Spirit's presence in your life, and Tongues is not a gift to be sought after-- its a GIFT, not a right or even a requirement.
anyways, my 2 cents....
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
i got that faith....and the dresser.
so... i got the dresser. yea. its blue. its beautiful. im so excited. God totally dropped in my lap. its a coordinating bedside table, dresser (6 drawers) and mirror. its fully functional. i got it for free. yea. i know. im blessed :) i painted it and finished it in three days.it looks great with the drawer pulls.
anyways.
i leave in three days for my beach weekend with Pastor Bonnie and the ladies at All Nations Church. im so excited. i cant even tell you. ive been so anticipating this weekend for literally 2 years. i wanted to go so bad last year but it didnt work out. This year, i KNEW i was going. I KNEW how bad I wanted to go, and God basically wrote the check for me. and God was the one who MADE me decide that i was going to make the effort to go, and do it. i just want to spend time with ANC women, to just SPEND TIME being a member of the church and to love it. Im so thankful that I am. I just celebrated my one year anniversary of being at ANC and i am so thankful. that God led me there, that God brought amazing spiritual parents into my life where I dont have parents around in SC, God gave me an awesome family of wonderful spiritual mentors, sisters, brothers-- a FAMILY-- the family that I miss having. I had that family at MCC and I loved it. Its what kept me (partially) sane. it kept me mostly sane, actually. I miss having that constant support system and all the love around. I honestly dont know where i would be without MCC-- the dance team, the laughter, sleepovers, parties, prayer meetings, constant love.....-- and now i literally would lose my mind if it werent for ANC. This church means SO much to me, its not even funny. I love that the members of this church recognize me for being an adult. MCC, i grew up there so its strange to think that i am a woman now with my own goals and dreams and what I want to do and be.... cause i was there for so long. i got a fresh start at ANC, and I started right. I am so glad i was mature when i started coming (well, mostly mature). I just know that God brought me to ANC and now that I am actually IN it and living in it ( when i can)--- its amazing how God is bring opportunities for me to get more involved. I get messages alot from coordinators asking me to volunteer my time, I get even more responsibility at conferences and its wonderful. i love it. I love being able to just serve in that area. I love that I can serve the people at ANC, the staff and--- most importantly- my pastors. I have such a high amount of respect for both of them. I admire and look up to them so much and i am so thankful that they see me for me. I am thankful that they hold me to a high standard-- non verbally, of course-- but still a high standard. I literally was a mess when i came to them. Thank God for smart pastors. Dr. Bonnie saw the ailment, had her "ah-ha!" moment, and promptly put me on a strict, long term prescription for constant "healing from on high" scripture to be played in my room as i slept- specifically her husband speaking out scripture. I played that CD every night for about 5 months. things dramatically improved. I was thrust into "rehab"-- a home with 5 girls and a house mama. for 6 months, i lived, ate and BREATHED in restoration. I gained sisters, a SC mama.... and a dog. who loves me. HAHA. thats when i realized really how much the Lord loves me. its a process---- but its proof.
anyways. yea. im excited. so theres my testimony/exposition.
other than that..... im just really evaluating my life right now.... been so busy with work and stuff, im exhausted. im sick of living for me right now. i want to live for Him. and Him alone. cause isnt that what it all boils down to?
is HIM.
yea. i know. i thought so. i need sleep. :) night!
anyways.
i leave in three days for my beach weekend with Pastor Bonnie and the ladies at All Nations Church. im so excited. i cant even tell you. ive been so anticipating this weekend for literally 2 years. i wanted to go so bad last year but it didnt work out. This year, i KNEW i was going. I KNEW how bad I wanted to go, and God basically wrote the check for me. and God was the one who MADE me decide that i was going to make the effort to go, and do it. i just want to spend time with ANC women, to just SPEND TIME being a member of the church and to love it. Im so thankful that I am. I just celebrated my one year anniversary of being at ANC and i am so thankful. that God led me there, that God brought amazing spiritual parents into my life where I dont have parents around in SC, God gave me an awesome family of wonderful spiritual mentors, sisters, brothers-- a FAMILY-- the family that I miss having. I had that family at MCC and I loved it. Its what kept me (partially) sane. it kept me mostly sane, actually. I miss having that constant support system and all the love around. I honestly dont know where i would be without MCC-- the dance team, the laughter, sleepovers, parties, prayer meetings, constant love.....-- and now i literally would lose my mind if it werent for ANC. This church means SO much to me, its not even funny. I love that the members of this church recognize me for being an adult. MCC, i grew up there so its strange to think that i am a woman now with my own goals and dreams and what I want to do and be.... cause i was there for so long. i got a fresh start at ANC, and I started right. I am so glad i was mature when i started coming (well, mostly mature). I just know that God brought me to ANC and now that I am actually IN it and living in it ( when i can)--- its amazing how God is bring opportunities for me to get more involved. I get messages alot from coordinators asking me to volunteer my time, I get even more responsibility at conferences and its wonderful. i love it. I love being able to just serve in that area. I love that I can serve the people at ANC, the staff and--- most importantly- my pastors. I have such a high amount of respect for both of them. I admire and look up to them so much and i am so thankful that they see me for me. I am thankful that they hold me to a high standard-- non verbally, of course-- but still a high standard. I literally was a mess when i came to them. Thank God for smart pastors. Dr. Bonnie saw the ailment, had her "ah-ha!" moment, and promptly put me on a strict, long term prescription for constant "healing from on high" scripture to be played in my room as i slept- specifically her husband speaking out scripture. I played that CD every night for about 5 months. things dramatically improved. I was thrust into "rehab"-- a home with 5 girls and a house mama. for 6 months, i lived, ate and BREATHED in restoration. I gained sisters, a SC mama.... and a dog. who loves me. HAHA. thats when i realized really how much the Lord loves me. its a process---- but its proof.
anyways. yea. im excited. so theres my testimony/exposition.
other than that..... im just really evaluating my life right now.... been so busy with work and stuff, im exhausted. im sick of living for me right now. i want to live for Him. and Him alone. cause isnt that what it all boils down to?
is HIM.
yea. i know. i thought so. i need sleep. :) night!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
again... its been awhile.
Hey there. i know, its been awhile since ive written anything. ha. sorry.
So, as some of you know, its been a crazy past few months. i havent had time to breathe. let alone blog. I moved yesterday into a house of girls, again. i needed to be with girls the entire time. i moved into a much bigger room with a walk in closet (which is actually now full of CRAP because of all my moving boxes, one day these will all be cleaned up!! i need more sterilites!) i literally walked in the door, saw the house and the room that i am now in, saw the closet and was SOLD. I signed the papers, went back to the house i was living in, and packed it all, and moved all the stuff over and unpacked in about 6 hours. yea. wow. im still amazed and the adrenaline rush is finally slowing down!! i didnt know i could move all my CRAP over in about 6 hours. its just amazing, i so was praying about being with girls. the Lord knows what i need. and he was more than happy to provide. the girls are great. theres a family of 4, and then 4 girls (2 are m* students). the only thing i need right now is a dresser/bureau. i really would like one that i can paint myself. i am currently having all my clothes in sterilite boxes and i dont like that. i need a dresser, Jesus. thanks.
so yea thats kind of what Jesus has been teaching me lately. about having this ridiculously mustard seed sized faith-- but the fact that its a tiny seed, it can produce a much bigger harvest. when we have the faith just to say, "HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS. AND HE HAS THAT MATTER IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND. HIS GREAT LOVE COVERS IT ALL AND WE CAN REST IN THE FACT THAT HE KNOWS AND HE IS TAKING CARE OF IT...." wow! wow wow wow!! what a joy!
what really has been huge lately in my life is Jesus' perfect sacrifice, this sacrifice that Abba made for us who were broken, abused, messed up, addicted to drugs, angry, alone.. he made the sacrifice for those who would never accept his perfect gift of love, too. those who outright reject JESUS, are still loved. its incredible what I have as a free gift in Jesus, yet I sometimes completely flip it around and say how much I am hated and how alone I am--- yet Jesus is completely overtaken by love for me--- He holds my world in His hands. He holds my tears in His hands even though i sometimes outright rejected Him.He CHOOSES to forget my faults and my guilt. and he still calls me His!! wow!! that truth overwhelms me to my core. i am so thankful for a merciful God who is completely and desperately in love with me, literally to the point of death!! I love that He is planning our wedding, knowing that just about anything He does will knock me off my feet! i cant wait to see Him face to face.
so anyways :) thats whats up. just the usual, ya know. work. i leave for the ANC Womans retreat in a bit less than 2 weeks and i am STOKED. completely STOKED. I dont really know what I am looking for in this but i do know that i need some beach time for real. i have been aching for a beach for about 2 years now...
Jesus, you are so good. i love you.
So, as some of you know, its been a crazy past few months. i havent had time to breathe. let alone blog. I moved yesterday into a house of girls, again. i needed to be with girls the entire time. i moved into a much bigger room with a walk in closet (which is actually now full of CRAP because of all my moving boxes, one day these will all be cleaned up!! i need more sterilites!) i literally walked in the door, saw the house and the room that i am now in, saw the closet and was SOLD. I signed the papers, went back to the house i was living in, and packed it all, and moved all the stuff over and unpacked in about 6 hours. yea. wow. im still amazed and the adrenaline rush is finally slowing down!! i didnt know i could move all my CRAP over in about 6 hours. its just amazing, i so was praying about being with girls. the Lord knows what i need. and he was more than happy to provide. the girls are great. theres a family of 4, and then 4 girls (2 are m* students). the only thing i need right now is a dresser/bureau. i really would like one that i can paint myself. i am currently having all my clothes in sterilite boxes and i dont like that. i need a dresser, Jesus. thanks.
so yea thats kind of what Jesus has been teaching me lately. about having this ridiculously mustard seed sized faith-- but the fact that its a tiny seed, it can produce a much bigger harvest. when we have the faith just to say, "HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS. AND HE HAS THAT MATTER IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND. HIS GREAT LOVE COVERS IT ALL AND WE CAN REST IN THE FACT THAT HE KNOWS AND HE IS TAKING CARE OF IT...." wow! wow wow wow!! what a joy!
what really has been huge lately in my life is Jesus' perfect sacrifice, this sacrifice that Abba made for us who were broken, abused, messed up, addicted to drugs, angry, alone.. he made the sacrifice for those who would never accept his perfect gift of love, too. those who outright reject JESUS, are still loved. its incredible what I have as a free gift in Jesus, yet I sometimes completely flip it around and say how much I am hated and how alone I am--- yet Jesus is completely overtaken by love for me--- He holds my world in His hands. He holds my tears in His hands even though i sometimes outright rejected Him.He CHOOSES to forget my faults and my guilt. and he still calls me His!! wow!! that truth overwhelms me to my core. i am so thankful for a merciful God who is completely and desperately in love with me, literally to the point of death!! I love that He is planning our wedding, knowing that just about anything He does will knock me off my feet! i cant wait to see Him face to face.
so anyways :) thats whats up. just the usual, ya know. work. i leave for the ANC Womans retreat in a bit less than 2 weeks and i am STOKED. completely STOKED. I dont really know what I am looking for in this but i do know that i need some beach time for real. i have been aching for a beach for about 2 years now...
Jesus, you are so good. i love you.
Monday, March 28, 2011
update!
its been nearly two months since my last blog and for that i apologize. i honestly have not really had any real motivation to blog. is that terrible?
I really have been "diggin" the message version of the Bible lately. It is just so life-transforming, i know now why it is such a huge thing in the church. it just isnt about the exact translation of the Bible.... its just so clearly contexted that it seems like its wrong translation and i think its a big source of people getting "offended" because its just such a wierd way of translating the Bible.(people, by the way, i have noticed, get way too offended by way too much and they need to calm down. wanna slap some of em.) its also one of the biggest life transforming versions of the Bible. its ridiculously easy to read.
Take, for instance, this: Psalm 46-
I love this portion of scripture. i love the phrase "God of the Angel Armies"... and most of the references to God in the Message are as that-- which made me excited when i got the Bible. God has really been just amazing me with his goodness lately. He is just so good. and so loving. i love reading this Bible and seeing JESUS in a new light and reading it as if im watching this movie about Jesus via text in a Bible. its just so awesome. God has been really talking to me alot about my identity as well lately. I got this awesome set of words back about a month ago at a conference at church. Bobby Connor said a profound word about him seeing more of my identity. it just struck me cause thats exactly what God had said to me the night before when i went through a fire tunnel (and caught on fire because i was SO HOT , i could feel steam rising off me)... God said to me, himself, "i am going to be transforming your identity." the next day, Bobby said that to me. in front of my entire church. i have been rocked since that weekend. just a few weeks ago, Bonnie (love that woman) said that she saw something else about my identity. She said that she saw my dreams that have been given up---as a seed that has fallen to the ground and that when it hits the rock, it splits and out grows my identity. amazing. so awesome. i am so thankful for her. she said to me (just a minute after telling me that word) that she prays for me every day. i can feel her prayers every day. i think about her alot. to know that she is praying for me and my family, who she knows is not here with me....wow.... and she knows me by name, which is just--wow- cause she is internationally known.... but that makes me think about how God thinks about me all the time! HE, the king of the world, creator of the universe, healer, deliverer, redeemer, protector----- thinks about me and watches me 24/7!! !WOW what a concept. makes me feel so little. i love it. God watches out for the sparrow and for his children. OH HOW HE LOVES!!
check out this song, which i just love: (JesusCulture and Chris Quilala)
God has been really speaking to me alot about IHOPKC. I need to just go pray for a few months. it has really been testing my faith too because i really want to just go pray for a few months but i literally am terrified about not being able to pay bills. i know that is the dumbest fear in the world because-- as i said, the Lord will never leave his children if HE has called them. so my fear about money is really minor in God's eyes. i have alot of bills right now so i guess i cant see past the end of my checkbook--- but i literally am scared to not work. i think its cause my dad has a huge work ethic so it is ingrained into me and its part of my DNA. at the same time, i know that it wont last forever and the only thing that really counts in the end is our relationship with God----so, as you can see, I am torn. my heart breaks when i think about the virgins with the oil lamps when Jesus said to them "i do not know you." so im really thinking. some things have opened up to me in terms of a place to live even for a couple weeks this summer. so i am thinking about it, i really am. its just a hard debate, because of said work.
i am attending a women's retreat in May, one year to the date of my joining ANC, which is just amazing. cant believe have been there as a member for a whole year. i am so excited about this women's retreat. I wanted to go last year and was almost not able to go this year but God has pretty much MADE me go. God was like "remember how bad you wanted to go last year? I want you to go this year. you need a beach retreat with women and especially with Mama. I provide for every need that you have...." well, yea, he does! it costs about $225 to go and as of right now, i am completely paid off and im READY! i did it very quickly and i am amazed at how easily i paid for it. its hard because taxes are due too so i am kind of crunched but i know it is very much worth it. i need this time. it is worth it to pay $225 to hear pastor Bonnie speak for two days. she is priceless and i am loving hearing her speak at any given time.im just really excited. i am driving 3 women in my new car (which, i did get-- the Nissan Maxima...) and im really excited to hear testimonies and get to know the women better in the church.
other than that... just family stuff is going on....brother issues but i know that God has a way where there seems to be no way at all and i am so thankful. the Lord is so good and so providing. I love what i do for work ( a christian call center,,, crazy callers but i like it overall--- and the gym, of course).
people have been asking me about potentials for marriage/dating/etc... NO. thats pretty much all i should say. the Lord has NOT said its ok. in fact, He said just the opposite.so before you go asking me if i have found a husband........ no. just no. theres no one here who God has brought, he has told me a few times that he is JEALOUS for my attention right now and that my GOAL is to be HIS LOVER. He has asked me to pursue and love HIM as if HE is the ONLY husband ill ever have.He literally asked me to do that. so, no, there is no one who is in my life in that way. a few cute little panfishies but no real catches! :) sorry, wedding planners! and, at this rate, i dont really care anyways..... just doesnt affect me anymore.
i had the women who came to visit me and kidnap me to bring me to ANC when i first started going.... BEST visit ever. love those women...... they light up my life. just such a blessed conversation, made me realize how much i miss my friends-- and btw, im going to try to go to VT this summer sometime. i hope. :)
the Lord is so good and i just love him...he continually amazes me.... and that's about the summary of THAT.....
hopefully itll be less than two months til my next post. HA. sorry, kids.
I really have been "diggin" the message version of the Bible lately. It is just so life-transforming, i know now why it is such a huge thing in the church. it just isnt about the exact translation of the Bible.... its just so clearly contexted that it seems like its wrong translation and i think its a big source of people getting "offended" because its just such a wierd way of translating the Bible.(people, by the way, i have noticed, get way too offended by way too much and they need to calm down. wanna slap some of em.) its also one of the biggest life transforming versions of the Bible. its ridiculously easy to read.
Take, for instance, this: Psalm 46-
1-3 God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.
Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.
4-6 River fountains splash joy, cooling God's city,
this sacred haunt of the Most High.
God lives here, the streets are safe,
God at your service from crack of dawn.
Godless nations rant and rave, kings and kingdoms threaten,
but Earth does anything he says.
7 Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.
8-10 Attention, all! See the marvels of God!
He plants flowers and trees all over the earth,
Bans war from pole to pole,
breaks all the weapons across his knee.
"Step out of the traffic! Take a long,
loving look at me, your High God,
above politics, above everything."
11 Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us
I love this portion of scripture. i love the phrase "God of the Angel Armies"... and most of the references to God in the Message are as that-- which made me excited when i got the Bible. God has really been just amazing me with his goodness lately. He is just so good. and so loving. i love reading this Bible and seeing JESUS in a new light and reading it as if im watching this movie about Jesus via text in a Bible. its just so awesome. God has been really talking to me alot about my identity as well lately. I got this awesome set of words back about a month ago at a conference at church. Bobby Connor said a profound word about him seeing more of my identity. it just struck me cause thats exactly what God had said to me the night before when i went through a fire tunnel (and caught on fire because i was SO HOT , i could feel steam rising off me)... God said to me, himself, "i am going to be transforming your identity." the next day, Bobby said that to me. in front of my entire church. i have been rocked since that weekend. just a few weeks ago, Bonnie (love that woman) said that she saw something else about my identity. She said that she saw my dreams that have been given up---as a seed that has fallen to the ground and that when it hits the rock, it splits and out grows my identity. amazing. so awesome. i am so thankful for her. she said to me (just a minute after telling me that word) that she prays for me every day. i can feel her prayers every day. i think about her alot. to know that she is praying for me and my family, who she knows is not here with me....wow.... and she knows me by name, which is just--wow- cause she is internationally known.... but that makes me think about how God thinks about me all the time! HE, the king of the world, creator of the universe, healer, deliverer, redeemer, protector----- thinks about me and watches me 24/7!! !WOW what a concept. makes me feel so little. i love it. God watches out for the sparrow and for his children. OH HOW HE LOVES!!
check out this song, which i just love: (JesusCulture and Chris Quilala)
God has been really speaking to me alot about IHOPKC. I need to just go pray for a few months. it has really been testing my faith too because i really want to just go pray for a few months but i literally am terrified about not being able to pay bills. i know that is the dumbest fear in the world because-- as i said, the Lord will never leave his children if HE has called them. so my fear about money is really minor in God's eyes. i have alot of bills right now so i guess i cant see past the end of my checkbook--- but i literally am scared to not work. i think its cause my dad has a huge work ethic so it is ingrained into me and its part of my DNA. at the same time, i know that it wont last forever and the only thing that really counts in the end is our relationship with God----so, as you can see, I am torn. my heart breaks when i think about the virgins with the oil lamps when Jesus said to them "i do not know you." so im really thinking. some things have opened up to me in terms of a place to live even for a couple weeks this summer. so i am thinking about it, i really am. its just a hard debate, because of said work.
i am attending a women's retreat in May, one year to the date of my joining ANC, which is just amazing. cant believe have been there as a member for a whole year. i am so excited about this women's retreat. I wanted to go last year and was almost not able to go this year but God has pretty much MADE me go. God was like "remember how bad you wanted to go last year? I want you to go this year. you need a beach retreat with women and especially with Mama. I provide for every need that you have...." well, yea, he does! it costs about $225 to go and as of right now, i am completely paid off and im READY! i did it very quickly and i am amazed at how easily i paid for it. its hard because taxes are due too so i am kind of crunched but i know it is very much worth it. i need this time. it is worth it to pay $225 to hear pastor Bonnie speak for two days. she is priceless and i am loving hearing her speak at any given time.im just really excited. i am driving 3 women in my new car (which, i did get-- the Nissan Maxima...) and im really excited to hear testimonies and get to know the women better in the church.
other than that... just family stuff is going on....brother issues but i know that God has a way where there seems to be no way at all and i am so thankful. the Lord is so good and so providing. I love what i do for work ( a christian call center,,, crazy callers but i like it overall--- and the gym, of course).
people have been asking me about potentials for marriage/dating/etc... NO. thats pretty much all i should say. the Lord has NOT said its ok. in fact, He said just the opposite.so before you go asking me if i have found a husband........ no. just no. theres no one here who God has brought, he has told me a few times that he is JEALOUS for my attention right now and that my GOAL is to be HIS LOVER. He has asked me to pursue and love HIM as if HE is the ONLY husband ill ever have.He literally asked me to do that. so, no, there is no one who is in my life in that way. a few cute little panfishies but no real catches! :) sorry, wedding planners! and, at this rate, i dont really care anyways..... just doesnt affect me anymore.
i had the women who came to visit me and kidnap me to bring me to ANC when i first started going.... BEST visit ever. love those women...... they light up my life. just such a blessed conversation, made me realize how much i miss my friends-- and btw, im going to try to go to VT this summer sometime. i hope. :)
the Lord is so good and i just love him...he continually amazes me.... and that's about the summary of THAT.....
hopefully itll be less than two months til my next post. HA. sorry, kids.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
God loves me, even though I'm crazy.
Been awhile :)
the last few weeks have been a total whirlwind of activity. they have really been some of the craziest weeks of my life. between a full work schedule (even more than full), errands and normal life stuff, i have had to move and get a new car figured out all at the same time. I moved this past Saturday, only taking three car loads (all i have) of stuff, and i got it all in. the people are great, i just really miss my girls a lot and i miss Duke, and its really hard to separate from the Wagner house of girls. its definitely a time of transition and I have a feeling God is separating me right now so that all that healing that happened on Wagner can now manifest. It was a very healing time and It was very very good. its just very intense to digest, especially six months in a "retreat" type home.
i work at a call center during the day. it definitely has its ups and downs, and the people are awesome, don't get me wrong. i love it. but there are for sure some crazy callers. I had a guy call yesterday who requested prayer because he was convinced that the enemy had a incredible stronghold over his life (And im sure, with the amount that he was talking about the enemy, that the enemy DOES have a huge stronghold.) I hate to say this, but with the rate that the enemy was being glorified by that man, you would think that the guy WANTED to be possessed. seriously. im not kidding. the guy was completely talking about the enemy having control over his finances, over everything in his life, how he was trying to kill him, etc. I asked the man, "you do know that the Lord is stronger than that, right?" and the man said "yes, i know" then he lept right back into the bad stuff, I felt SO incredibly slimy! what my heart was screaming was, "DO YOU KNOW THAT EVERYTIME YOU MENTION THE ENEMY's NAME, HE IS GLORIFIED? STOP! STOP! JUST STOP!" i was sickened by the amount that the enemy was being glorified and talked about. i felt so sick. the enemy needs to just be left alone! be aware of the enemy but dont talk about him having strongholds, that just lets the enemy know that you are SPEAKING that into existance!
i get other crazy callers, too. suicide calls, calls of dad's finding their 12 year old sons doing bad things in their parents room (really), husbands cheating on wives, homelessness, starvation... the list goes on. its a normal thing to have a sob story. its sad, but its true. it happens. but as i listen to these callers, i realize why the Lord has various types of ministries, and why the church system works. we are all crazy! we all have our crazy little habits, our little pet peeves, our little quirks and stuff.... yet God adores us.my brain goes about 300 miles an hour most of the time (except for right after i wake up) and slow people drive me nuts (thats what is the most irritating about some of the callers, too, they are 95 years old and have no idea how to read a credit card. very irritating sometimes.)yet somehow,some way, God has this crazy love for the little quirky people. those people who never had a "traditional" life. God has this crazy space in His heart for those who have been orphaned or left by one parent, ive noticed. God really loves the orphans. and those who work with orphans see that! Heidi sees that, with her hundreds of children in the bush. George Mueller. the orphans in Asia. God loves the orphans! and those who run the orphanages are the crazy ones too!! there is no such thing as "NORMAL" or "STATUS QUO" anymore.
i dont really know where im going with this. anyways.
everytime you think you are a little off your rocker, thats ok. its normal to not be normal :) dont feel bad. God loves you anyways.
:)
the last few weeks have been a total whirlwind of activity. they have really been some of the craziest weeks of my life. between a full work schedule (even more than full), errands and normal life stuff, i have had to move and get a new car figured out all at the same time. I moved this past Saturday, only taking three car loads (all i have) of stuff, and i got it all in. the people are great, i just really miss my girls a lot and i miss Duke, and its really hard to separate from the Wagner house of girls. its definitely a time of transition and I have a feeling God is separating me right now so that all that healing that happened on Wagner can now manifest. It was a very healing time and It was very very good. its just very intense to digest, especially six months in a "retreat" type home.
i work at a call center during the day. it definitely has its ups and downs, and the people are awesome, don't get me wrong. i love it. but there are for sure some crazy callers. I had a guy call yesterday who requested prayer because he was convinced that the enemy had a incredible stronghold over his life (And im sure, with the amount that he was talking about the enemy, that the enemy DOES have a huge stronghold.) I hate to say this, but with the rate that the enemy was being glorified by that man, you would think that the guy WANTED to be possessed. seriously. im not kidding. the guy was completely talking about the enemy having control over his finances, over everything in his life, how he was trying to kill him, etc. I asked the man, "you do know that the Lord is stronger than that, right?" and the man said "yes, i know" then he lept right back into the bad stuff, I felt SO incredibly slimy! what my heart was screaming was, "DO YOU KNOW THAT EVERYTIME YOU MENTION THE ENEMY's NAME, HE IS GLORIFIED? STOP! STOP! JUST STOP!" i was sickened by the amount that the enemy was being glorified and talked about. i felt so sick. the enemy needs to just be left alone! be aware of the enemy but dont talk about him having strongholds, that just lets the enemy know that you are SPEAKING that into existance!
i get other crazy callers, too. suicide calls, calls of dad's finding their 12 year old sons doing bad things in their parents room (really), husbands cheating on wives, homelessness, starvation... the list goes on. its a normal thing to have a sob story. its sad, but its true. it happens. but as i listen to these callers, i realize why the Lord has various types of ministries, and why the church system works. we are all crazy! we all have our crazy little habits, our little pet peeves, our little quirks and stuff.... yet God adores us.my brain goes about 300 miles an hour most of the time (except for right after i wake up) and slow people drive me nuts (thats what is the most irritating about some of the callers, too, they are 95 years old and have no idea how to read a credit card. very irritating sometimes.)yet somehow,some way, God has this crazy love for the little quirky people. those people who never had a "traditional" life. God has this crazy space in His heart for those who have been orphaned or left by one parent, ive noticed. God really loves the orphans. and those who work with orphans see that! Heidi sees that, with her hundreds of children in the bush. George Mueller. the orphans in Asia. God loves the orphans! and those who run the orphanages are the crazy ones too!! there is no such thing as "NORMAL" or "STATUS QUO" anymore.
But God's grace quickly frustrates all such dreams. A great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves, is bound to overwhelm us as surely as God desires to lead us to an understanding of genuine Christian community. . . . The sooner this moment of disillusionment comes over the individual and the community, the better for both. . . . Those who love their dream of a Christian community more than the Christian community itself become destroyers of that Christian community even though their personal intentions may be ever so honest, earnest, and sacrificial. -- D.Bonhoeffer
i dont really know where im going with this. anyways.
everytime you think you are a little off your rocker, thats ok. its normal to not be normal :) dont feel bad. God loves you anyways.
:)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
six months ago.
so, as some of you know..
my beloved house is no longer a home to all of us. we are all moving, all seperating. i have lived with about 7 other females in the last 6 months- 2 Emily's, Liz, Amber, Alora, Lashonne, and Liv. I cant believe how much I have changed, too. I moved in after a long season of being in a very emotionally hard time with a crazy living situation. I was vulnerable, blamed myself for alot, especially family stuff, i was very insecure about my identity, and was very much closed up. the last six months have opened me to so much, especially after what happened 2 years ago (almost 3) when i went through a time of shutting myself down and into a hole. I had a bad work situation, i was very much a "private person". i enjoyed time to myself. alot. too much.
the girls changed me alot. God changed me alot through the girls. I remember one sunday, the Chavda's were speaking at church and had us repeat something about our identity (something along the lines of "I am loved by Him" or something??) and I did not repeat it. i didn't say anything. Lashonne noticed and passed a note and i replied back "yea, i know i didnt say it. its cause i cant stand myself." she then just said "im sorry you say that. im praying".
if it weren't for these girls, I dont know what i would do. God is so strong.
we've done Bible studies, done a hannukah party, christmas parties, 4th of July cookout together at ANC, movies (TONS), ice cream, talking at the kitchen counter, laughed like fools, cooked together, shopped, made coffee, collaged.... wow. i am overwhelmed, and totally thankful for these girls. Em Lewin told me that i needed to be "delivered from the spirit of BS" when i told her that i still blamed myself for stuff that i didnt even do- when i was 5. and now, i realize how pathetic that must have sounded.
I was walking out to go to work this morning, and I happened to see the huge shoe mark that is on the ceiling of the room that Lewin was actually sleeping in. We found a huge spider in the crack of the wall, and we (Am, Em, and I) all were fighting about who would NOT kill it. we didnt want to. but we knew we had to get rid of it! we then found a sneaker of Em's, and Am did a George of the Jungle with it, flinging it and screaming, totally missing the spider. Em finally hit the spider, i grabbed Croc and whacked it-- when it was crawling in her purse. yea. yea. i know. but it made me have a flashback for real. I missed that night.
another night, i came in from a conference at church and totally fell in a Jesus drunken stupor into Em's room (its right by the front door). i proceeded to lay there for about 2 hours while she laughed at me and played guitar. It was so fun.
Olivia's French press, deep discussions with Liz, Amber shoving me off my bed and us fighting and teasing each other like we grew up together. the guitar playing, Ariel and I looking at cars online..... I love you girls so much.. i don't know what i would do. i loved sitting together as a huge group at ANC, getting lunch together, my birthday party! heck, how could i forget that?! that was so fun.
I have had so many adventures in this house. mostly, i am so thankful for the grace and the joy that God has given me for living here, not that it needed a ton of grace, but the privilege of living here is amazing.I am so grateful that God let me be a part of it all. im so grateful. it has been a gift, and i will never be the same.
God has really been showing me alot about how he is faithful, throughout the ages. the same God of Paul, David, Moses, Solomon, the ancients of the Promised land, Noah, Adam and Eve--- the same God, He is MY God! its overwhelming. the same God who they looked for in the cloud by day and fire by night, who they saw in the sky, in the stars, the same God who gave David the wisdom of using rocks to kill his enemy-- that SAME GOD is MY God! and he LOVES me so much. that boggles my mind. alot.
he has my best interest in mind. he loves me. he wants the best for me. and HE is my faithful provider.
...mmmm yup.
i love Jesus. Jesus absorbed all the wrath of God, so that I can be eternally LOVED by God! God has no more wrath-- and instead, my ashes are now beauty.instead of wallowing in CRAP, I can now stand strong in my salvation.
He is FAITHFUL, HE KNOWS. and i Love Him SO Much.....
my beloved house is no longer a home to all of us. we are all moving, all seperating. i have lived with about 7 other females in the last 6 months- 2 Emily's, Liz, Amber, Alora, Lashonne, and Liv. I cant believe how much I have changed, too. I moved in after a long season of being in a very emotionally hard time with a crazy living situation. I was vulnerable, blamed myself for alot, especially family stuff, i was very insecure about my identity, and was very much closed up. the last six months have opened me to so much, especially after what happened 2 years ago (almost 3) when i went through a time of shutting myself down and into a hole. I had a bad work situation, i was very much a "private person". i enjoyed time to myself. alot. too much.
the girls changed me alot. God changed me alot through the girls. I remember one sunday, the Chavda's were speaking at church and had us repeat something about our identity (something along the lines of "I am loved by Him" or something??) and I did not repeat it. i didn't say anything. Lashonne noticed and passed a note and i replied back "yea, i know i didnt say it. its cause i cant stand myself." she then just said "im sorry you say that. im praying".
if it weren't for these girls, I dont know what i would do. God is so strong.
we've done Bible studies, done a hannukah party, christmas parties, 4th of July cookout together at ANC, movies (TONS), ice cream, talking at the kitchen counter, laughed like fools, cooked together, shopped, made coffee, collaged.... wow. i am overwhelmed, and totally thankful for these girls. Em Lewin told me that i needed to be "delivered from the spirit of BS" when i told her that i still blamed myself for stuff that i didnt even do- when i was 5. and now, i realize how pathetic that must have sounded.
I was walking out to go to work this morning, and I happened to see the huge shoe mark that is on the ceiling of the room that Lewin was actually sleeping in. We found a huge spider in the crack of the wall, and we (Am, Em, and I) all were fighting about who would NOT kill it. we didnt want to. but we knew we had to get rid of it! we then found a sneaker of Em's, and Am did a George of the Jungle with it, flinging it and screaming, totally missing the spider. Em finally hit the spider, i grabbed Croc and whacked it-- when it was crawling in her purse. yea. yea. i know. but it made me have a flashback for real. I missed that night.
another night, i came in from a conference at church and totally fell in a Jesus drunken stupor into Em's room (its right by the front door). i proceeded to lay there for about 2 hours while she laughed at me and played guitar. It was so fun.
Olivia's French press, deep discussions with Liz, Amber shoving me off my bed and us fighting and teasing each other like we grew up together. the guitar playing, Ariel and I looking at cars online..... I love you girls so much.. i don't know what i would do. i loved sitting together as a huge group at ANC, getting lunch together, my birthday party! heck, how could i forget that?! that was so fun.
I have had so many adventures in this house. mostly, i am so thankful for the grace and the joy that God has given me for living here, not that it needed a ton of grace, but the privilege of living here is amazing.I am so grateful that God let me be a part of it all. im so grateful. it has been a gift, and i will never be the same.
God has really been showing me alot about how he is faithful, throughout the ages. the same God of Paul, David, Moses, Solomon, the ancients of the Promised land, Noah, Adam and Eve--- the same God, He is MY God! its overwhelming. the same God who they looked for in the cloud by day and fire by night, who they saw in the sky, in the stars, the same God who gave David the wisdom of using rocks to kill his enemy-- that SAME GOD is MY God! and he LOVES me so much. that boggles my mind. alot.
he has my best interest in mind. he loves me. he wants the best for me. and HE is my faithful provider.
...mmmm yup.
i love Jesus. Jesus absorbed all the wrath of God, so that I can be eternally LOVED by God! God has no more wrath-- and instead, my ashes are now beauty.instead of wallowing in CRAP, I can now stand strong in my salvation.
He is FAITHFUL, HE KNOWS. and i Love Him SO Much.....
Thursday, December 23, 2010
in the silence.
So, as some of you know, my car died. completely. 2 weeks ago. I was at an intersection in Pineville (between my house and my work), and Beatrice decided that she had enough of living and decided to finish her life right in the middle of the intersection. I thought, ok, its freezing, i may be low on gas. I ended up getting a gas can from another driver and trying to fill it up, nope. there was a cop behind me, and he tried to jump my car with my roommate's. nope. so, thus, my car sat in the Bassett Furniture store parking lot for 3 days until I could get a tow truck to get it to my mechanic friend. mechanic said it was totally shot. I borrowed a friends car for a week, and have been pretty desperate in the search to find a new one for myself. looking online, talking to the mechanic about the best options, talking to my dad and my dad's best friend..... its been a very hectic 2 weeks. VERY hectic.
i went to a car sales place in Rock Hill yesterday. the guy who had a Sentra that i was looking at was really rude, but i decided to check out the car anyways. I brought the sentra up to the mechanic, brought it back, and there were a million things wrong with the car. I was searching yesterday for certain cars, and just couldnt find "the one". I had borrowed my roommates car for the day in hopes of finding one... seeing as I am on a time crunch and really need to find a car as soon as i can, to no avail.
Very, VERY, VERY frustrated with myself for pretty much wasting my entire day off looking at cars unsuccessfully, and very irritated cause i couldnt find "the one", I just started bawling. right in my roommates car. I was so beyond tired, and annoyed at this point i didnt even care. I hadnt slept (still havent) in about a week, and so frustrated because I really didnt even know where to look.... i was just sobbing in the car. so frustrated. I didnt even know. I was just like "God, i need a car. i give up searching.i HATE depending on people for rides and, especially so close to Christmas, i have way too much to do right now...."
i felt the Spirit of God so thick in that car...it just fell as soon as i said that. I instantly felt such a "WHOOSH!" of the Father just looking at me and saying to my anxious heart that has yelled in desperation to him so many times before, "I have your back! you know i love you, you know i have the one. I cant give it to you unless you surrender it to me!"
suddenly there was such a peace about it all.
I came home and was kind of excited actually, knowing it was just around the corner....
lo and behold, my dad's best friend is going to look at a Nissan Maxima this morning, which is the best deal we have found thus far, and I have a really good feeling about it. heck, it even has a sun roof... and thats a secret thing that i would really love.
and, its only $1k above what we were intending to spend.
nice.
im just praying right now to see if its THE ONE. if so, i may have a new car in my possession/my driveway before new years.
all because God just told me to give up this entire thing.
His presence is so thick and so strong.... and i just love Him so much. He brings my heart such joy. my world, my schedule, my life is crazy insane right now with work and this car thing and now a few other major things....but every day he just refreshes my tired body and soul.... and i just live day by day.... its teaching me real dependency on Him.
it sucks sometimes but its so worth it.
i went to a car sales place in Rock Hill yesterday. the guy who had a Sentra that i was looking at was really rude, but i decided to check out the car anyways. I brought the sentra up to the mechanic, brought it back, and there were a million things wrong with the car. I was searching yesterday for certain cars, and just couldnt find "the one". I had borrowed my roommates car for the day in hopes of finding one... seeing as I am on a time crunch and really need to find a car as soon as i can, to no avail.
Very, VERY, VERY frustrated with myself for pretty much wasting my entire day off looking at cars unsuccessfully, and very irritated cause i couldnt find "the one", I just started bawling. right in my roommates car. I was so beyond tired, and annoyed at this point i didnt even care. I hadnt slept (still havent) in about a week, and so frustrated because I really didnt even know where to look.... i was just sobbing in the car. so frustrated. I didnt even know. I was just like "God, i need a car. i give up searching.i HATE depending on people for rides and, especially so close to Christmas, i have way too much to do right now...."
i felt the Spirit of God so thick in that car...it just fell as soon as i said that. I instantly felt such a "WHOOSH!" of the Father just looking at me and saying to my anxious heart that has yelled in desperation to him so many times before, "I have your back! you know i love you, you know i have the one. I cant give it to you unless you surrender it to me!"
suddenly there was such a peace about it all.
I came home and was kind of excited actually, knowing it was just around the corner....
lo and behold, my dad's best friend is going to look at a Nissan Maxima this morning, which is the best deal we have found thus far, and I have a really good feeling about it. heck, it even has a sun roof... and thats a secret thing that i would really love.
and, its only $1k above what we were intending to spend.
nice.
im just praying right now to see if its THE ONE. if so, i may have a new car in my possession/my driveway before new years.
all because God just told me to give up this entire thing.
His presence is so thick and so strong.... and i just love Him so much. He brings my heart such joy. my world, my schedule, my life is crazy insane right now with work and this car thing and now a few other major things....but every day he just refreshes my tired body and soul.... and i just live day by day.... its teaching me real dependency on Him.
it sucks sometimes but its so worth it.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
in the valley.
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
"And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me 'My Husband,' and no longer will you call me 'My Baal.' For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. Hosea 2.14
My lovely pastor spoke today about the valley.
It's been the story of my life for about 3 years now.
where i am in the desert, in the valley and i can hear God's heart whispering to me "come away... come away...." but i so often ignore that voice, "ill get to it later".he calls, not begging or pleading, but longing. he wont pull us there, he will draw us there. we will WANT to go into that place. its when we are desperate, when we are shunned by the world, called forsaken, called forgotten, we have stage 4 cancer, our family is falling apart, we are at our wits end-- then he calls us away. we dance in the wilderness. we dance with HIM in the wilderness. he says to our hearts, in its fragments and broken pieces, "its ok. you are safe here. this is intimacy with me. you are safe. i see you in your broken places. i love you, oh i see those tears and i have them in a bottle. you are safe. you can be yourself and i will love you for it."there, we lean into his embrace as he holds us close to his heart. we rest our weary head on his shoulder and he teaches us how to pray. he carries us through the dryness. we are carried through the valley, he refreshes us with his living water. we speak another language.
and we survive. we learn real intimacy with the Lord and we are never the same. it changes us, it changes our hearts. we learn how to cry and know we are being heard.
and we are never the same.
the Lord has brought me through so many valleys, where i just cant "feel" Him. Where i feel overwhelmingly lost, confused and broken, asking, "where are you? why do i feel so alone?" But, then, he has never left me. it was in the silence that he was speaking.
Jason Upton has a song that always penetrates deep into my heart:
it always gets me so much how the Lord speaks to our deepest places. He speaks to me alot as I'm falling asleep in a dark room. Its very intimate conversations. I feel so refreshed after. He speaks and I just ponder, think, write. thats when i can feel the kiss of heaven on my forehead.
the funny thing? that time of deep intimacy with the Lord usually comes when i am in an intense crises in my life. when something is wrong, then he lures me away from it so i can lean on my beloved.
that ends up being a permanent "lean", so we end up like this bride in Song of Solomon.
Who is that coming up from the wilderness,
leaning on her beloved? (Songs 8.5)
i really dont know where im going with this but i just like how God is speaking stuff to me about it all. i need to just sit and journal.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Time.
It is no more crazy than a dog finding a rainbow. Dogs are colourblind, Gretchen. They don't see colour. Just like we don't see time. We can feel it, we can feel it passing, but we can't see it. It's just like a blur. It's like we're riding in a supersonic train and the world is just blowing by, but imagine if we could stop that train, eh, Gretchen? Imagine if we could stop that train, get out, look around, and see time for what it really is? A universe, a world, a thing as unimaginable as colour to a dog, and as real, as tangible as that chair you're sitting in. Now if we could see it like that, really look at it, then maybe we could see the flaws as well as the form.---- Stuart, from Kate and Leopold
Ive been thinking alot about time. time passes so fast, yet we cant see it-- like in the quote above.
It is my 21st birthday. Really, im kinda shocked. But you know what? I'm still the same person. I have the same skin color, eyes, bones, organs, muscles, brain, blood type, veins, heart-- the same ones i was born with. the only thing that has changed them is time. as i get older (with time), they change a little bit, aging and being changed by my surroundings. But you know what else? in our lives, the thing that majorly changes, affects our attitudes, situations, reactions, how we talk to others-- that change takes place in our spirits. We live, remember things, laugh, cry, think and communicate through our spirits. we can say "ive changed so much", but in actuality, its your spirit that has changed. it goes from glory to glory.
And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. -1 Corinthians 3:18
Have you ever seen Kate and Leopold? I love that movie. In this movie, a man from the 21st century is hurled into the 19th century by jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge. He is followed back to the 21st century by a man who is actually his great great grandfather who eventually invented the elevator. Heres the summary:
Meg Ryan stars as Kate McKay, a modern female executive in New York City whose drive to succeed in the cutthroat corporate world has left little time for romance. When her genius ex-boyfriend Stuart (Liev Schreiber) opens a portal in time, the experiment transports Leopold (Hugh Jackman) from 1867 to the present day. A charming bachelor and the royal "Third Duke of Albany" in his own time, Leopold is fascinated by the 21st century. As the courtly Leopold and the decidedly liberated Kate tour the town, a mutual attraction develops into something deeper, a relationship that's threatened by Leopold's temporary chronological status-- http://www.starpulse.com/Movies/Kate_and_Leopold/Summary/
In this movie, Kate and Leopold are hanging out in NYC, and in one scene (in the 21st century), Leopold sees his childhood home (the beginning of the movie was taking place in the house). he goes inside and sees that it has changed 200 years later. He finds a childhood treasure box, his mirror and his quarters. It has changed to become a children's room, as it appears. He sees it and realizes that time has changed the surroundings. the room is the same since he was in there (chronologically 200 years prior), the mirror is in the same place, its just a different time. time has changed. (theres a trippy scene later that Kate is looking into the mirror at the same "time" as Leopold, who was looking into it to prepare for his 1876 ball, the scene switches between them and between time, even if the mirror is the same)... it really makes you think about how you spend YOUR time when you are going day by day, the daily grind. I heard a quote once that said,
"I dont want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well" -Diane Ackerman
I really dont want to do this:
Lisa Alther: "Just as you began to feel that you could make good use of time, there was no time left to you."
I want to make my life count. I dont want to look back 4 years from today, knowing the things i want to do this year never got done. I want to do everything I can to not waste the time God has given me on the earth.
check out this sick time lapse video:
how are you going to live today to make YOUR time count?
Sunday, October 31, 2010
October. and Hephzibah.
DANG..
Its November 1 already? well..... heres a pro-side, ill be 21 in less than 24 hours. :)
October was an insanely amazing month full of God's grace and provision. God was constantly showering me with love. He dropped $500 on me, i got to see my family, there were crazy things that were happening with family when they were here (free parking...), i recently found out that i can be put back on my dad's insurance (no more for me!), God basically paid my insurance this month, and ive had an interview for a new job (just praying that goes through), prophetic words that God was teaching me how to cook and write without lines and He is showing me color again... just amazing, little blessings here and there. just amazing.
on the flipside, God was also speaking to me alot about Hephzibah. not only was the scripture being randomly flipped open when i opened the Bible... it was this scripture:
Isaiah 62:4 (Amplified Bible)
4You [Judah] shall no more be termed Forsaken, nor shall your land be called Desolate any more. But you shall be called Hephzibah [My delight is in her], and your land be called Beulah [married]; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married [owned and protected by the Lord].
BUT Then.... the wierd parts.... i would see the word EVERYWHERE.... in fact, just tonight at the Morningstar harvest fest a guy was reading as part of a prophetic word to another girl.... then my friend went to a Hephzibah house in NYC a couple weeks ago... my other friend Olivia wrote a blog on IHOPKC and i went to read it and the title was Hephzibah... just word after word after word. i love how that happens. i would look up in the room and that word would be on the wall, i would read a book and the word would be in the book. WHAT? really? honestly? HEPHZIBAH? but i mean, come on. it signifies something HUGE. His delight is in ME. HIS delight is in me. His DELIGHT is in me. His delight IS in me. His delight is IN me. His delight is in ME. WOW. DANG. when you really think about it, its powerful. its intense. its crazy to think about. HIS DELIGHT IS IN ME. I delight Him! i make him GIDDY with joy! HE cant contain himself! with who? me? wretched soul? really? yes! thats the amazing thing.and i say, "heck, no, God. Im so not worth your attention". and hes like "oh yea, ya are. really. you are. YOU ARE SAFE HERE. THIS PLACE IN MY HEART IS SAFE". i am learning about the safety of his heart, hes just not going to drop me after he finds something gross in my life.He's just gonna go after it, burn it, and move on. He just loves me that much. cause HE delights in me. i wrote that word on my arm in pen the other day, on my wrist. HEPHZIBAH. that was a very anointed day. God was all over that. I looked at it and saw the significance and i have a picture on my phone of it on my wrist.
amazing huh? its just mindboggling what it means and when we apply it...it just rocks my world. i love my Jesus. GOD, teach me how to love you even more. teach me how to be obsessed with you.
the words of this song are awesome but the tune is whacked so ill spare you and just share the lyrics:
Beckah Shae
Hebrew: Hephzibah (My delight is in you)
Isaiah 62
Lyrics:
So I woke up in the morning, with only one word on my mind.It was given to me in my sleep, and I knew I just had to find,The meaning, the answer,The reason for this mystery.Oh, and I knew it came from you,Cause I felt this overwhelming peace.
You said I am a Crown of Splendor!You said I am a Royal Diadem in your hand!
You’ve called me Hephzibah.You’ve called me Hephzibah.I’m no longer forsaken,Oh but to know! That you delight in me,And you call me Hephzibah.
So I was once desperately, insecure and desolate,With damaged dignity,In all my sins and faults and bruises.Trying to find my beauty, seemed impossible to me.Till you came and took my shame,And dressed me up in your Glory.
What magnificent exchange,You’ve adorned me with Your name.Your beauty for my sin.And here I stand not just forgiven,But dressed in royalty, as you rejoice over me,As a bridegroom for His bride.Now I can see you and how you really see me.
He is really taking me through an intense season of identity and healing right now just from stuff in the past that has held me back and the things in my heart that i or others have been set on me. i was with my housemate and two of her friends tonight at their house (ive been with them before..), and it just felt GOOD. God was like "go ahead, be YOURSELF and nothing less". it was just fun. we just watched a movie. but I felt at home. i dont know. God is just beautiful. Hes in a season right now of just restoring relationships and circumstances in my heart and in my life. its harvest in my heart and i can feel it. Jesus, you rock.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
youve ravished my heart. i want you. i love you. i delight in you.
Thank you Bekah for this song. it has wrecked my world. God has completely been speaking alot about love lately. theres been an increased season of harvest and favor on my life just this month- tremendous increase of finances, God basically paying my bills for me, little things just coming up that end up being a total answer of prayer- and i can feel God's heart just saying "i love you. i love you. you ravish me. you delight me. you are mine. Will you marry me? i don't regret choosing you. i am not shocked by your struggle. i am not disgusted or ashamed of you. you are my vessel, you are my chosen one. i will bring you to the end in strength. i see a strength in you when you can only see weakness in your life, but i see the end from the beginning. you barely just begun! so few will ever fight the good fight, even if you feel you are losing....." its just been total words of affirmation from the Lord. an amazing amount of favor on my life has been just tremendous. The Lord's hand is strong and mighty to save. He loves!! He is just LOVE. Real Love doesn't compromise! Abba doesn't compromise! He wants the best for His children! for His bride. He is not asleep, like an unresponsive man who sits in his chair all day and sleeps, responsive only when we wake him and when we need something- no, God watches His kids! His Bride! We have ravished his heart and he is overcome by his creation. its amazing really. its completely messing up my desires. any desire to even get married eventually (to an earthly husband) has been completely crucified. I am overtaken though! i don't even care! The Lord has taken me away into His garden and I am overcome with Him! His Love has overcome! His love has possessed my heart! His love has overcome my core! He has grabbed my heart and is doing surgery on it--- He is my cardiologist! He has ravished my heart and I have ravished His! He has made His proposal to me and I have accepted. He is so jealous for me right now, I am just feeling it so intensely. I feel waves of fire whenever i see Him, i see Him in his throne with waves of fire. i have to let my intellecutalism go everytime i think of Him. i used to have to take "hours" to get rid of the "block".... and i just have to unscrew my head now. the gospel is so simple! its so easy! its so THERE, we just have to be willing to sacrifice it all when we see it, and when we REALLY see it, its not a sacrifice, its more a desire to let everything go.
AAHHHHH GOD, RIP ME APART FOR YOU.... LET ME BE YOUR TRAINWRECK! CONSUME ME! AHHHHHHHHH GOD I LOVE YOU
Saturday, October 16, 2010
you violently chase me, down to embrace me.
The Lord has really really been speaking to me alot about love. about incessant, everlasting, real love. LOVE that never fails. He is really showing me about how HE loves ME. I was watching a clip from the passion when he is carrying his cross up that hill, the hill of Golgotha where he would breathe his last---- and in the entire clip-- i saw nothing but love. what does love look like? what does that word mean? incessant, never-changing love. the love that pursues, the love that tracks us down. the love that draws us. shows us that he really is all we need. when we are looking at nothing but turmoil all around us, the love that makes us look up to heaven and call upon the name of the one who is never changing. the kind of love that makes us look a little crazy, sometimes neurotic. the love that makes us pursue this invisible God, the love that makes us look at the stars and see the amazing constellations-- to scream at the top of our lungs, "GOD, YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!" the love that makes us WANT to go to a disease ridden country, with witches and sorcery and crazy laws---- just so we can go LOVE on them like HE loves on us. The Love that suddenly makes the Bible just come alive. The Bible has become so alive lately to me. i read about Jesus and i just smile-- "THIS MAN IS MY LOVE! THIS JESUS THEY TALK ABOUT, ACCUSED, WHO HEALED AND PROVIDED--- THIS IS MY LOVE! THIS IS MY ETERNAL ONE! THIS IS MY HOPE!" He is so faithful!! we sometimes never see that. this love that literally made our chains fall off, the knives fell out of our hands and we stopped bleeding inside. the love that we feel tingling on our back when we sit out at the lake with a full moon. the love that suddenly rises to joy. we realize that His love is really all that matters and we can suddenly laugh in the middle of any situation-- financial, family- whatever is going on, we can LAUGH in that place! we can see JOY in that place-- and laughing breaks the curse! joy breaks the curse of any bondage the devil is trying to throw at us. we are NOT to partake in suffering when we are walking in joy. we have to laugh! we have to laugh in the face of the enemy when he throws crap at us. what does love look like?
check out this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2ZCIp0HiRo
oh jesus, what does your love look like? to the starving, its bread. to the thirsty, its water. to the orphan, its family. to the broken, its healing.to the lonely, its a hug.....
just continue to pour it out, sweet Lord.... how i love you!
check out this song:
“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been pondering
“What does love look like?”
“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been asking of You
I once believed that love was romance, just a chance
I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful
I once believed that love was a momentary bliss
But love is more than this
All You ever wanted was my attention
All You ever wanted was love from me
All You ever wanted was my affections, to sit here at Your feet
Then I sat down, a little frustrated and confused
If all of life comes down to love
Then love has to be more than sentiment
More than selfishness and selfish gain
And then I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes
And I began to weep and weep
He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding
Love’s definition, love’s definition was looking at me
Looking at Him, hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep
This is how I know what love is, this is how I know what love is
And as I sat there weeping, crying
Those beautiful eyes, full of desire and love
He said to me, “You shall love Me, You shall love Me
You shall love Me, You shall love Me”
With arms wide open, a heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding
If anybody’s looking for love in all the wrong places
If you’ve been searching for love, come to Me, come to Me
Take up your cross, deny yourself
Forget your father’s house and run, run with Me
You were made for abandonment, wholeheartedness
You were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so follow Me
And You’ll come alive when you learn to die
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2ZCIp0HiRo
oh jesus, what does your love look like? to the starving, its bread. to the thirsty, its water. to the orphan, its family. to the broken, its healing.to the lonely, its a hug.....
just continue to pour it out, sweet Lord.... how i love you!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
steadfast.
"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal." Isaiah 26:3-4
so.I've really been meditating on the word "Steadfast". It's been really getting to me. mostly about how, not only is God steadfast in His love for us, but we need to be more and more steadfast in our love for Him as well.
We can define steadfast as this:
stead·fast also sted·fast
adj.
1. Fixed or unchanging; steady.
2. Firmly loyal or constant; unswerving.
check out these verses about steadfastness:
2 Chronicles 27:6
Jotham grew powerful because he walked steadfastly before the LORD his God.
Psalm 51:10
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Psalm 57:7
My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music.
Psalm 108:1
My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul.
Psalm 111:7-8
The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy. They are steadfast for ever and ever, done in faithfulness and uprightness.
Psalm 112:6-8
Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever. He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.
Psalm 119:4-6
You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands.
Isaiah 26:3-4
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
1 Peter 5:9-11
Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
Steadfast love does not waver, it does not shake. it is solid. it is firm, unshakeable. it is unquenchable, untamable, undeniable. it is strong. it is steady. it reaches for you. it longs for you. it died for you. it protects, guides, leads, fights for you. it brings you joy, and it holds you in grief. it doesnt diminish with the difficulty of the days, it does not back off if you cop an attitude. steadfastness of heart comes with the challenges that the world faces and that we face in the world. the steadfastness of the Lord will never falter or shake. we can have all the riches in the world or be a leper on the gates of the city ,and the Lord is still faithful. always steadfast. yearns, cries out for us to come to Him alone in the throne of Grace.
Ive been struggling lately with the state of the church. After a particulartly beautiful church service today, i got on facebook only to see a ton of just sickening stuff and distracted hearts. When will we rise up, awaken, see the glory of the Lord? to know his LOVE? he has been speaking to me about that lately. HE really has been speaking Love over me.
its beautiful.
anyways. thats my thoughts. any takes?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
ive been inspired. i havent had a blog since i was in high school, but lately all ive heard is BLOG this, BLOG that, either from magazines, friends.... so, ive been inspired to start again, not to mention that sometimes i just really REALLY want to write something, not just in my journal though.
in this, i will probably do a "Challenge" at the end of some entries that i do, just to get you thinking. i wont be cheesy and do a "devotional" thing like id do to a youth group.
today i wrote a long letter. i havent done that in a long, LONG time. especially if its a letter for someone else. but its a new thing now i think. it was a 5 page long letter, written to a very special leader in my life. she is just a beautiful spirited person, and i just really felt the Lord wanted to encourage her. she has led hundreds of thousands of people to Christ, witnessed miracles, prayed with thousands, loves people like you wouldn't believe, and somehow, the Lord has let her be in my life. i just really felt like the Lord was saying, "yes, she has an anointing, she is married to a wonderful husband, and has witnessed me work in so many ways, but she gives her all and that never gets appreciated by some people, especially who she pours out herself to". so i wrote her a letter of appreciation. sometimes we all just need a nice long letter. its not intended to flatter. its intended to strengthen. give confidence to them. let them know that someone notices how much they give. i found a joy, a new appreciation, for both her and for letter writing. the fact that i was writing more in one hour than i ever thought possible, made me smile. to get everything out on paper. now, i will probably edit it, but i like it for now. i felt the Lord speaking through me directly to her heart. we all need encouragement, from the homeless man on the street all the way to the President. we all need to feel appreciated, to feel like we hold value to another, to feel we have someone rooting for us. we can see millions of people healed, saved, receive breakthrough, but if we can't have someone rooting for us, we will not be able to go on strong. we will go discouraged. it sounds SO cliche, and completely overused. but its something that we need to do, especially at the end of the age.
When they had preached the gospel to that city and had made many disciples, they returned to Lystra and to Iconium and to Antioch, strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue in the faith, and saying that through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God. And when they had appointed elders for them in every church, with prayer and fasting they committed them to the Lord in whom they had believed. Then they passed through Pisidia and came to Pamphylia. And when they had spoken the word in Perga, they went down to Attalia, ...(Acts 14:21-28)Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29)
In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ Acts 20:35
Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, 20 by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Heb. 10:19-25
challenge: i challenge you to write one letter to someone today, just tell them that you love them, tell them that they rock your world. if you do that regularly, do it to someone you wouldn't otherwise do it to. that very well may save their life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)