Thursday, August 29, 2013
Starting a New Project!!!
WOW.
it has been a YEAR AND A HALF since i have blogged.
in addition to EVERYTHING else i am doing :)..... (a new business, work in general, church stuff...) i have some pretty exciting news. I just signed up to be a book reviewer with a company called Waterbrook Multnomah. Its a Christian Publisher. I am so excited to get FREE books sent to me to review and share my opinion on (since i am such a book freak).
The book reviews will happen on this blog.
:)
stay tuned! ill let you know what book i receive and my take on it!
-Hannah
Friday, January 13, 2012
art.
WHOA! been awhile. like 6 months. yikes.
so i have recently started the book "Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. it is to DIScover and REcover your creative self that has been shut down by circumstances, even by our own permission to let "ourselves" kind of die in that area or to be putting our creative ability on a back burner. i did my "tasks" for the first week today..(there's a list of 10+ "tasks" weekly...either writing or a practical and hands on thing....in addition to "morning pages" which is 3 pages of stream of consciousness writing....first thing in the morning....and also a good 10 pages of info to read and interact with...lists and stuff integrated...its an intense amount of writing!).. and it WRECKED me. Julia uses a Christian/ spiritual perspective to write her book. as thought provoking or painful as this book may be-- it really is such a good read/study. it is very challenging emotionally at parts. i had to really think about what circumstances i went through that shut down my creativity. ART is of GOD and i let it die for 4 years. yea. i know. 4 years. its barely recovering now. the Lord has done ALOT to work and recover it and its definately not where it should be. art is my weakness. a good piece of art, not even painting but ANY art- collage, scrapbooking, pottery..... is my weakness. so I had to really think and i was really feeling that i should write down a page of what i was telling myself that was making my creativity blocked. every negative comment, i wrote it on one page. then the next page (this took up one spread of a special sketchbook i bought for this course) i wrote all the TRUTHS and affirmations that i needed to believe or that was really the truths of who i am and what i need to be hearing and saying. on the "lies" page, this was the junk that the "core negative beliefs" were speaking. after i wrote these, i took a big black sharpie--- and it was SO hard to do but I wrote LIES across the page. in sharpie. in big letters. like 7 times. but it was such a release. and as hard as it was, I had to be the one LETTING THESE VOICES GO. i had to be the one BREAKING IT OFF. if i didnt choose to stop listening- they would continue to speak. these voices come from the LOGIC side of the brain that is also associated with MATH/SCIENCE...its the "thinking" side that I overuse!) this voice is the voice of a strict parent or teacher who lied and said "you cannot do this." on the 2nd page (positive affirmations) i wrote the GOOD things... that i am CREATED to create, i am created to artistically describe the heart of God. OH HOW WRECKED I GOT OVER THIS self made exercise! It wasnt even a task in the book and i did it and felt amazing release. the other pages i wrote were big bad scary monsters who came and jumped out of my artistic closet and shut down my art side. my little kid who i didnt let out to play because i was thinking "I AM TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!" or "I AM NOT ENOUGH!" ouch! the whole darn exercise hurt!
so i was at the watch 3 hours later (tonight) and I was writing in my journal (which i have to make myself do now because i WANT TO DO all these artsy things but i slack too much!!) and suddenly was hit with this idea. God was bored before he made the earth. God is the one who created artists and funny people.God has a hysterical time creating future artists and comedians. i think God is absolutely hilarious. so I was wondering "were YOU bored before creating the earth? before creating me? my friends> my family members? before creating the galaxies??" it kind of hit me. I told Him i would really love to see how he made a sunrise and how it looks painted and it just seemed like a fun thing to do while i was asleep at 4 am so he started whipping out an easel ( that is like 3000000 miles long) and telling clay to make itself (because he didnt want to make it himself) so he could color. so as i peel myself out of bed, he is painting this amazing picture so as i go walking in the morning i will have this AWESOME looking sunrise to zone out to as i listen to Rita Springer and work out this body (That HE also made with some dirt, water and air.. all of which he made... yea..... this creativity stuff is amazing). then it struck me, i dealt with an intense self hatred for like 6 years or more and it just is ending now but i can say im over it (finally thank the Lord). I was hearing this: "Hannah, what if you made a really amazing clay pot. what if you made this pot the best you could ever possibly make it and put your heart and soul into it, you put everything you are into it, its all shiny and its blue and it looks gorgeous. its YOURS. you love it. you love to use it, you love to play with it, you love to display it.you love to drink from it. what if one day that pot had a personality and decided it hated itself. what if it decided that because it was not PERFECT (ok, there was a minor chip in the handle or something tiny), that it was ugly and unusable and that it was not worth using, that the pot HATED itself. that the pot, even though it knew it was your pot, it was thinking it was absolutely disgusting and that it was not worth using.but you love that pot, dont you? you made it? you would be so grieved in your heart but you would tell the pot to get over itself because it is beautiful and you made it so that is enough....SAME WITH YOU! i made you (my pot) and you are beautiful because you are MINE!
OUCH! WHOA!
i have no idea why i got so sloshed off this tonight! its not even like its a new thing but the DESCRIPTION that was used (the pot) was INCREDIBLE. it really got me. i journaled off this and got WRECKED.
new truth: i was created to create.i was made to make. i am made in the image of an artist. art is my therapy. art is where my heart is at. my heart is in recovery to do exactly what it was made to do- to create.
this radiated in my heart after this lesson:
hello, wreckage!!
theres so many ART projects i want to work on now that i am letting myself be creative. I AM LETTING MYSELF LET GO which is the biggest battle of all!! its the biggest, strongest struggle-- to LET MYSELF GO. so i let go. i am letting myself be creative, i CHOOSE to shut down the voices in my head- not to "inspire someone" but to be someone who allows the Lord to use them as a vessel:
and to speak LOVE to the Lord by doing what He made me to do. I am working on a scrapbook right now, in addition to the journals i make, knitting, pastels, DANCE, and learning guitar.... mostly this scrapbook that the Lord told me to make.....
so, thus we begin....12 weeks of painful art heart surgery but I know the Lord told me to get this book so he can work through it to recover my heart... after all, he is a creative heart surgeon!! :)
so i have recently started the book "Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. it is to DIScover and REcover your creative self that has been shut down by circumstances, even by our own permission to let "ourselves" kind of die in that area or to be putting our creative ability on a back burner. i did my "tasks" for the first week today..(there's a list of 10+ "tasks" weekly...either writing or a practical and hands on thing....in addition to "morning pages" which is 3 pages of stream of consciousness writing....first thing in the morning....and also a good 10 pages of info to read and interact with...lists and stuff integrated...its an intense amount of writing!).. and it WRECKED me. Julia uses a Christian/ spiritual perspective to write her book. as thought provoking or painful as this book may be-- it really is such a good read/study. it is very challenging emotionally at parts. i had to really think about what circumstances i went through that shut down my creativity. ART is of GOD and i let it die for 4 years. yea. i know. 4 years. its barely recovering now. the Lord has done ALOT to work and recover it and its definately not where it should be. art is my weakness. a good piece of art, not even painting but ANY art- collage, scrapbooking, pottery..... is my weakness. so I had to really think and i was really feeling that i should write down a page of what i was telling myself that was making my creativity blocked. every negative comment, i wrote it on one page. then the next page (this took up one spread of a special sketchbook i bought for this course) i wrote all the TRUTHS and affirmations that i needed to believe or that was really the truths of who i am and what i need to be hearing and saying. on the "lies" page, this was the junk that the "core negative beliefs" were speaking. after i wrote these, i took a big black sharpie--- and it was SO hard to do but I wrote LIES across the page. in sharpie. in big letters. like 7 times. but it was such a release. and as hard as it was, I had to be the one LETTING THESE VOICES GO. i had to be the one BREAKING IT OFF. if i didnt choose to stop listening- they would continue to speak. these voices come from the LOGIC side of the brain that is also associated with MATH/SCIENCE...its the "thinking" side that I overuse!) this voice is the voice of a strict parent or teacher who lied and said "you cannot do this." on the 2nd page (positive affirmations) i wrote the GOOD things... that i am CREATED to create, i am created to artistically describe the heart of God. OH HOW WRECKED I GOT OVER THIS self made exercise! It wasnt even a task in the book and i did it and felt amazing release. the other pages i wrote were big bad scary monsters who came and jumped out of my artistic closet and shut down my art side. my little kid who i didnt let out to play because i was thinking "I AM TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!" or "I AM NOT ENOUGH!" ouch! the whole darn exercise hurt!
so i was at the watch 3 hours later (tonight) and I was writing in my journal (which i have to make myself do now because i WANT TO DO all these artsy things but i slack too much!!) and suddenly was hit with this idea. God was bored before he made the earth. God is the one who created artists and funny people.God has a hysterical time creating future artists and comedians. i think God is absolutely hilarious. so I was wondering "were YOU bored before creating the earth? before creating me? my friends> my family members? before creating the galaxies??" it kind of hit me. I told Him i would really love to see how he made a sunrise and how it looks painted and it just seemed like a fun thing to do while i was asleep at 4 am so he started whipping out an easel ( that is like 3000000 miles long) and telling clay to make itself (because he didnt want to make it himself) so he could color. so as i peel myself out of bed, he is painting this amazing picture so as i go walking in the morning i will have this AWESOME looking sunrise to zone out to as i listen to Rita Springer and work out this body (That HE also made with some dirt, water and air.. all of which he made... yea..... this creativity stuff is amazing). then it struck me, i dealt with an intense self hatred for like 6 years or more and it just is ending now but i can say im over it (finally thank the Lord). I was hearing this: "Hannah, what if you made a really amazing clay pot. what if you made this pot the best you could ever possibly make it and put your heart and soul into it, you put everything you are into it, its all shiny and its blue and it looks gorgeous. its YOURS. you love it. you love to use it, you love to play with it, you love to display it.you love to drink from it. what if one day that pot had a personality and decided it hated itself. what if it decided that because it was not PERFECT (ok, there was a minor chip in the handle or something tiny), that it was ugly and unusable and that it was not worth using, that the pot HATED itself. that the pot, even though it knew it was your pot, it was thinking it was absolutely disgusting and that it was not worth using.but you love that pot, dont you? you made it? you would be so grieved in your heart but you would tell the pot to get over itself because it is beautiful and you made it so that is enough....SAME WITH YOU! i made you (my pot) and you are beautiful because you are MINE!
OUCH! WHOA!
i have no idea why i got so sloshed off this tonight! its not even like its a new thing but the DESCRIPTION that was used (the pot) was INCREDIBLE. it really got me. i journaled off this and got WRECKED.
new truth: i was created to create.i was made to make. i am made in the image of an artist. art is my therapy. art is where my heart is at. my heart is in recovery to do exactly what it was made to do- to create.
this radiated in my heart after this lesson:
Isaiah 43.1-7
1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.”
hello, wreckage!!
theres so many ART projects i want to work on now that i am letting myself be creative. I AM LETTING MYSELF LET GO which is the biggest battle of all!! its the biggest, strongest struggle-- to LET MYSELF GO. so i let go. i am letting myself be creative, i CHOOSE to shut down the voices in my head- not to "inspire someone" but to be someone who allows the Lord to use them as a vessel:
2 Corinthians 4.7: However, we possess this precious treasure [the divine Light of the Gospel] in [frail, human] vessels of earth, that the grandeur and exceeding greatness of the power may be shown to be from God and not from ourselves.
and to speak LOVE to the Lord by doing what He made me to do. I am working on a scrapbook right now, in addition to the journals i make, knitting, pastels, DANCE, and learning guitar.... mostly this scrapbook that the Lord told me to make.....
so, thus we begin....12 weeks of painful art heart surgery but I know the Lord told me to get this book so he can work through it to recover my heart... after all, he is a creative heart surgeon!! :)
Thursday, September 29, 2011
all i want is you Jesus....
we had a conference last weekend. it was beyond amazing. Heidi stated something that really struck me. she said that "if all you want is Jesus, then you struggle with the orphan mentality. if you did not have the orphan mentality, you would want things." that really struck a chord. how many times have i said "all i want is you Jesus." i caught myself saying that last night, saying "God, all i want is your heart". and i heard a prompt reply: "you have my heart! you have always had it!" which led me to know..... what else could i want?
so many people get hung up on "the anointing" and having a title.\i have had people at work call in and INSIST that we use their title "prophetess" or "apostle" or "minister"... that drives me absolutely insane. you are human, you are man, you are woman, before you have a title that deems you as a "minister". i will refer to you as human before i ever refer to you as "minister" or whathaveyou. because without the title, without the fluff and "shaba"s, thats all we really are anyways, right? is bare, shameful humanity that can only be saved by the grace of God. bare, raw humanity that God just calls unto himself. thats the beauty of grace. it transforms us from a ripped apart, scarred, bruised, broken human to something beautiful that only God can recreate. did you know that caterpillars have to "die" before becoming a butterfly? did you know that they have to go into hiding, into a secret place by themself so they can be transformed into their glory? they have to basically digest themselves so the cells can recreate a new body and wings. isnt that amazing? it shows how vulnerable a butterfly is. they have to die in order to be restored. they have to go into a place of shame, of utterly being alone, so they can live. God's been teaching me alot about butterflies. ive been seeing them everywhere. they always like to fly over my car. the yellow ones come around alot.
the conference really reset me. i have been struggling alot in my life, looking at people and at circumstances to define who i was and how i based my decisions. I have had my life totally revamped since Heidi's sessions when she spoke about breaking orphan mentalities, about reckless abandonment. about letting him kiss me to death and love me to life. let him revive me. God spoke alot this weekend about depending on Him alone. one day i was laying on the ground and could hear God saying, "if i had replaced this person or that person in your life, you never would have learned to depend on me..." that was earthshaking! if we are whole and healed completely... then we would not need God's wrecking! we would not need Him if we were "in one piece". how long i have asked God to "fix me". to "heal" me..... and i didnt realize that if i was ever totally perfected that I would not need Him alone for everything. that is the place i want to get to, where I utterly and completely cannot survive or function without Him. that is the heart i want is one of desperate abandonment. of utter recklessness and heartache without Him. to have the thought of not being with God every second of every day to be one thought that would shatter me. to have the complete lovesickness that God has for me to be one that i love Him with.i heard a quote this weekend "Love God as much as you yourself want to be loved". that is so heart-wrenching. we are made in the image of God, so if we want to be loved, fought for, pursued- fiercely---especially as women-- isnt that how GOD HIMSELF wants to be loved!? isnt that a crazy thought? women, you know what im talking about. you know how it is to want to be recklessly loved.... that's what God wants. the pursuer of my heart is showing me how he wants to be pursued! he is the one who wants to be romanced, to be on the beach under the moon and listening to the water lapping up-- i have never felt closer to God than when i was in Maine at the beach at 10pm with the moon shining bright, totally alone on the beach, with the waves lapping up. that is the best feeling in the world. that is my heart. i just stood there barefoot and loved every second. i was completely at peace and could hear things going on on the boardwalk but i was so tuned out that i was hearing the songs of heaven louder than i was hearing the yelling of kids.
i have cut off several relationships lately because of what they were doing to my relationship with God. they were a distraction. they were in the way completely.they were in the way of my knowing my place in God's heart.
I had a dietician appointment this week for deficiencies and to see what im allergic to--- and it was a good chunk of change by the time i was done. i didnt pay for it but i felt extremely guilty of taking that much money for my health. my aunt knew what i was thinking and stopped it immediately "your health is worth it. stop belitting yourself". i felt super guilty for some reason! like i wasnt worth that much money, that my health wasnt worth the huge chunk of change. i still feel guilty to an extent but its just proving how much of an orphan mentality that i have still. it just proves that i dont understand the concept of "letting dad pay for it". my roommate said "isnt that what kids do, they spend their dad's money! youre supposed to!" i NEED to let that happen, i need to let myself get uncomfortable with it so i know i actually am worth it. after so long of thinking i am literally nothing, i am "scum"--- i dont know how to let myself go or let people spend money on me. even if its for good cause. like my health. very hard lesson but i guess thats the point....
anyways. just ponderings....
so many people get hung up on "the anointing" and having a title.\i have had people at work call in and INSIST that we use their title "prophetess" or "apostle" or "minister"... that drives me absolutely insane. you are human, you are man, you are woman, before you have a title that deems you as a "minister". i will refer to you as human before i ever refer to you as "minister" or whathaveyou. because without the title, without the fluff and "shaba"s, thats all we really are anyways, right? is bare, shameful humanity that can only be saved by the grace of God. bare, raw humanity that God just calls unto himself. thats the beauty of grace. it transforms us from a ripped apart, scarred, bruised, broken human to something beautiful that only God can recreate. did you know that caterpillars have to "die" before becoming a butterfly? did you know that they have to go into hiding, into a secret place by themself so they can be transformed into their glory? they have to basically digest themselves so the cells can recreate a new body and wings. isnt that amazing? it shows how vulnerable a butterfly is. they have to die in order to be restored. they have to go into a place of shame, of utterly being alone, so they can live. God's been teaching me alot about butterflies. ive been seeing them everywhere. they always like to fly over my car. the yellow ones come around alot.
the conference really reset me. i have been struggling alot in my life, looking at people and at circumstances to define who i was and how i based my decisions. I have had my life totally revamped since Heidi's sessions when she spoke about breaking orphan mentalities, about reckless abandonment. about letting him kiss me to death and love me to life. let him revive me. God spoke alot this weekend about depending on Him alone. one day i was laying on the ground and could hear God saying, "if i had replaced this person or that person in your life, you never would have learned to depend on me..." that was earthshaking! if we are whole and healed completely... then we would not need God's wrecking! we would not need Him if we were "in one piece". how long i have asked God to "fix me". to "heal" me..... and i didnt realize that if i was ever totally perfected that I would not need Him alone for everything. that is the place i want to get to, where I utterly and completely cannot survive or function without Him. that is the heart i want is one of desperate abandonment. of utter recklessness and heartache without Him. to have the thought of not being with God every second of every day to be one thought that would shatter me. to have the complete lovesickness that God has for me to be one that i love Him with.i heard a quote this weekend "Love God as much as you yourself want to be loved". that is so heart-wrenching. we are made in the image of God, so if we want to be loved, fought for, pursued- fiercely---especially as women-- isnt that how GOD HIMSELF wants to be loved!? isnt that a crazy thought? women, you know what im talking about. you know how it is to want to be recklessly loved.... that's what God wants. the pursuer of my heart is showing me how he wants to be pursued! he is the one who wants to be romanced, to be on the beach under the moon and listening to the water lapping up-- i have never felt closer to God than when i was in Maine at the beach at 10pm with the moon shining bright, totally alone on the beach, with the waves lapping up. that is the best feeling in the world. that is my heart. i just stood there barefoot and loved every second. i was completely at peace and could hear things going on on the boardwalk but i was so tuned out that i was hearing the songs of heaven louder than i was hearing the yelling of kids.
i have cut off several relationships lately because of what they were doing to my relationship with God. they were a distraction. they were in the way completely.they were in the way of my knowing my place in God's heart.
I had a dietician appointment this week for deficiencies and to see what im allergic to--- and it was a good chunk of change by the time i was done. i didnt pay for it but i felt extremely guilty of taking that much money for my health. my aunt knew what i was thinking and stopped it immediately "your health is worth it. stop belitting yourself". i felt super guilty for some reason! like i wasnt worth that much money, that my health wasnt worth the huge chunk of change. i still feel guilty to an extent but its just proving how much of an orphan mentality that i have still. it just proves that i dont understand the concept of "letting dad pay for it". my roommate said "isnt that what kids do, they spend their dad's money! youre supposed to!" i NEED to let that happen, i need to let myself get uncomfortable with it so i know i actually am worth it. after so long of thinking i am literally nothing, i am "scum"--- i dont know how to let myself go or let people spend money on me. even if its for good cause. like my health. very hard lesson but i guess thats the point....
anyways. just ponderings....
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
tongues.
so.... im back to "reality". i had the best time this past weekend though... i had fun. i laughed so hard i got a headache and my face hurt. at the same time. yea. i talked to so many people, got to know them, hung out..... yea. best weekend ever. we have so many ridiculous jokes.
i work at a Christian Call Center in Fort Mill. I was asked several times the last 2 weeks to pray for people who want the gift of tongues-- which was sparked by a minister who we work with. I even was asked by a man to speak in tongues so he could repeat it because he was "a little nervous". I refused (and later found out that several others were asked the same thing by this man). I told him... "I can speak in tongues and, yes, i believe in tongues, but I will not speak it to you because I feel uncomfortable, and Its something that the Holy Spirit alone will do and it will not be sparked by another person". Tongues is not something that we just start saying without the Holy Spirit initiating---- and sometimes tongues is not necessarily our spiritual gift. sometimes the Lord does not bestow that gift on certain people. Tongues is not something we may understand but its not something we NEED to understand either. The Holy Spirit made people speak in tongues in Acts 2. check this out as well:
Tongues is only ONE of these gifts. not the only gift of being baptised with the Holy Spirit. Tongues is not synonymous or proof of the Holy Spirit's presence in your life, and Tongues is not a gift to be sought after-- its a GIFT, not a right or even a requirement.
anyways, my 2 cents....
i work at a Christian Call Center in Fort Mill. I was asked several times the last 2 weeks to pray for people who want the gift of tongues-- which was sparked by a minister who we work with. I even was asked by a man to speak in tongues so he could repeat it because he was "a little nervous". I refused (and later found out that several others were asked the same thing by this man). I told him... "I can speak in tongues and, yes, i believe in tongues, but I will not speak it to you because I feel uncomfortable, and Its something that the Holy Spirit alone will do and it will not be sparked by another person". Tongues is not something that we just start saying without the Holy Spirit initiating---- and sometimes tongues is not necessarily our spiritual gift. sometimes the Lord does not bestow that gift on certain people. Tongues is not something we may understand but its not something we NEED to understand either. The Holy Spirit made people speak in tongues in Acts 2. check this out as well:
God's various gifts are handed out everywhere; but they all originate in God's Spirit. God's various ministries are carried out everywhere; but they all originate in God's Spirit. God's various expressions of power are in action everywhere; but God himself is behind it all. Each person is given something to do that shows who God is: Everyone gets in on it, everyone benefits. All kinds of things are handed out by the Spirit, and to all kinds of people! The variety is wonderful:
wise counsel
clear understanding
simple trust
healing the sick
miraculous acts
proclamation
distinguishing between spirits
tongues
interpretation of tongues.
All these gifts have a common origin, but are handed out one by one by the one Spirit of God. He decides who gets what, and when.-- 1 Cor. 12:4-11 MSG
Tongues is only ONE of these gifts. not the only gift of being baptised with the Holy Spirit. Tongues is not synonymous or proof of the Holy Spirit's presence in your life, and Tongues is not a gift to be sought after-- its a GIFT, not a right or even a requirement.
anyways, my 2 cents....
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
i got that faith....and the dresser.
so... i got the dresser. yea. its blue. its beautiful. im so excited. God totally dropped in my lap. its a coordinating bedside table, dresser (6 drawers) and mirror. its fully functional. i got it for free. yea. i know. im blessed :) i painted it and finished it in three days.it looks great with the drawer pulls.
anyways.
i leave in three days for my beach weekend with Pastor Bonnie and the ladies at All Nations Church. im so excited. i cant even tell you. ive been so anticipating this weekend for literally 2 years. i wanted to go so bad last year but it didnt work out. This year, i KNEW i was going. I KNEW how bad I wanted to go, and God basically wrote the check for me. and God was the one who MADE me decide that i was going to make the effort to go, and do it. i just want to spend time with ANC women, to just SPEND TIME being a member of the church and to love it. Im so thankful that I am. I just celebrated my one year anniversary of being at ANC and i am so thankful. that God led me there, that God brought amazing spiritual parents into my life where I dont have parents around in SC, God gave me an awesome family of wonderful spiritual mentors, sisters, brothers-- a FAMILY-- the family that I miss having. I had that family at MCC and I loved it. Its what kept me (partially) sane. it kept me mostly sane, actually. I miss having that constant support system and all the love around. I honestly dont know where i would be without MCC-- the dance team, the laughter, sleepovers, parties, prayer meetings, constant love.....-- and now i literally would lose my mind if it werent for ANC. This church means SO much to me, its not even funny. I love that the members of this church recognize me for being an adult. MCC, i grew up there so its strange to think that i am a woman now with my own goals and dreams and what I want to do and be.... cause i was there for so long. i got a fresh start at ANC, and I started right. I am so glad i was mature when i started coming (well, mostly mature). I just know that God brought me to ANC and now that I am actually IN it and living in it ( when i can)--- its amazing how God is bring opportunities for me to get more involved. I get messages alot from coordinators asking me to volunteer my time, I get even more responsibility at conferences and its wonderful. i love it. I love being able to just serve in that area. I love that I can serve the people at ANC, the staff and--- most importantly- my pastors. I have such a high amount of respect for both of them. I admire and look up to them so much and i am so thankful that they see me for me. I am thankful that they hold me to a high standard-- non verbally, of course-- but still a high standard. I literally was a mess when i came to them. Thank God for smart pastors. Dr. Bonnie saw the ailment, had her "ah-ha!" moment, and promptly put me on a strict, long term prescription for constant "healing from on high" scripture to be played in my room as i slept- specifically her husband speaking out scripture. I played that CD every night for about 5 months. things dramatically improved. I was thrust into "rehab"-- a home with 5 girls and a house mama. for 6 months, i lived, ate and BREATHED in restoration. I gained sisters, a SC mama.... and a dog. who loves me. HAHA. thats when i realized really how much the Lord loves me. its a process---- but its proof.
anyways. yea. im excited. so theres my testimony/exposition.
other than that..... im just really evaluating my life right now.... been so busy with work and stuff, im exhausted. im sick of living for me right now. i want to live for Him. and Him alone. cause isnt that what it all boils down to?
is HIM.
yea. i know. i thought so. i need sleep. :) night!
anyways.
i leave in three days for my beach weekend with Pastor Bonnie and the ladies at All Nations Church. im so excited. i cant even tell you. ive been so anticipating this weekend for literally 2 years. i wanted to go so bad last year but it didnt work out. This year, i KNEW i was going. I KNEW how bad I wanted to go, and God basically wrote the check for me. and God was the one who MADE me decide that i was going to make the effort to go, and do it. i just want to spend time with ANC women, to just SPEND TIME being a member of the church and to love it. Im so thankful that I am. I just celebrated my one year anniversary of being at ANC and i am so thankful. that God led me there, that God brought amazing spiritual parents into my life where I dont have parents around in SC, God gave me an awesome family of wonderful spiritual mentors, sisters, brothers-- a FAMILY-- the family that I miss having. I had that family at MCC and I loved it. Its what kept me (partially) sane. it kept me mostly sane, actually. I miss having that constant support system and all the love around. I honestly dont know where i would be without MCC-- the dance team, the laughter, sleepovers, parties, prayer meetings, constant love.....-- and now i literally would lose my mind if it werent for ANC. This church means SO much to me, its not even funny. I love that the members of this church recognize me for being an adult. MCC, i grew up there so its strange to think that i am a woman now with my own goals and dreams and what I want to do and be.... cause i was there for so long. i got a fresh start at ANC, and I started right. I am so glad i was mature when i started coming (well, mostly mature). I just know that God brought me to ANC and now that I am actually IN it and living in it ( when i can)--- its amazing how God is bring opportunities for me to get more involved. I get messages alot from coordinators asking me to volunteer my time, I get even more responsibility at conferences and its wonderful. i love it. I love being able to just serve in that area. I love that I can serve the people at ANC, the staff and--- most importantly- my pastors. I have such a high amount of respect for both of them. I admire and look up to them so much and i am so thankful that they see me for me. I am thankful that they hold me to a high standard-- non verbally, of course-- but still a high standard. I literally was a mess when i came to them. Thank God for smart pastors. Dr. Bonnie saw the ailment, had her "ah-ha!" moment, and promptly put me on a strict, long term prescription for constant "healing from on high" scripture to be played in my room as i slept- specifically her husband speaking out scripture. I played that CD every night for about 5 months. things dramatically improved. I was thrust into "rehab"-- a home with 5 girls and a house mama. for 6 months, i lived, ate and BREATHED in restoration. I gained sisters, a SC mama.... and a dog. who loves me. HAHA. thats when i realized really how much the Lord loves me. its a process---- but its proof.
anyways. yea. im excited. so theres my testimony/exposition.
other than that..... im just really evaluating my life right now.... been so busy with work and stuff, im exhausted. im sick of living for me right now. i want to live for Him. and Him alone. cause isnt that what it all boils down to?
is HIM.
yea. i know. i thought so. i need sleep. :) night!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
again... its been awhile.
Hey there. i know, its been awhile since ive written anything. ha. sorry.
So, as some of you know, its been a crazy past few months. i havent had time to breathe. let alone blog. I moved yesterday into a house of girls, again. i needed to be with girls the entire time. i moved into a much bigger room with a walk in closet (which is actually now full of CRAP because of all my moving boxes, one day these will all be cleaned up!! i need more sterilites!) i literally walked in the door, saw the house and the room that i am now in, saw the closet and was SOLD. I signed the papers, went back to the house i was living in, and packed it all, and moved all the stuff over and unpacked in about 6 hours. yea. wow. im still amazed and the adrenaline rush is finally slowing down!! i didnt know i could move all my CRAP over in about 6 hours. its just amazing, i so was praying about being with girls. the Lord knows what i need. and he was more than happy to provide. the girls are great. theres a family of 4, and then 4 girls (2 are m* students). the only thing i need right now is a dresser/bureau. i really would like one that i can paint myself. i am currently having all my clothes in sterilite boxes and i dont like that. i need a dresser, Jesus. thanks.
so yea thats kind of what Jesus has been teaching me lately. about having this ridiculously mustard seed sized faith-- but the fact that its a tiny seed, it can produce a much bigger harvest. when we have the faith just to say, "HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS. AND HE HAS THAT MATTER IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND. HIS GREAT LOVE COVERS IT ALL AND WE CAN REST IN THE FACT THAT HE KNOWS AND HE IS TAKING CARE OF IT...." wow! wow wow wow!! what a joy!
what really has been huge lately in my life is Jesus' perfect sacrifice, this sacrifice that Abba made for us who were broken, abused, messed up, addicted to drugs, angry, alone.. he made the sacrifice for those who would never accept his perfect gift of love, too. those who outright reject JESUS, are still loved. its incredible what I have as a free gift in Jesus, yet I sometimes completely flip it around and say how much I am hated and how alone I am--- yet Jesus is completely overtaken by love for me--- He holds my world in His hands. He holds my tears in His hands even though i sometimes outright rejected Him.He CHOOSES to forget my faults and my guilt. and he still calls me His!! wow!! that truth overwhelms me to my core. i am so thankful for a merciful God who is completely and desperately in love with me, literally to the point of death!! I love that He is planning our wedding, knowing that just about anything He does will knock me off my feet! i cant wait to see Him face to face.
so anyways :) thats whats up. just the usual, ya know. work. i leave for the ANC Womans retreat in a bit less than 2 weeks and i am STOKED. completely STOKED. I dont really know what I am looking for in this but i do know that i need some beach time for real. i have been aching for a beach for about 2 years now...
Jesus, you are so good. i love you.
So, as some of you know, its been a crazy past few months. i havent had time to breathe. let alone blog. I moved yesterday into a house of girls, again. i needed to be with girls the entire time. i moved into a much bigger room with a walk in closet (which is actually now full of CRAP because of all my moving boxes, one day these will all be cleaned up!! i need more sterilites!) i literally walked in the door, saw the house and the room that i am now in, saw the closet and was SOLD. I signed the papers, went back to the house i was living in, and packed it all, and moved all the stuff over and unpacked in about 6 hours. yea. wow. im still amazed and the adrenaline rush is finally slowing down!! i didnt know i could move all my CRAP over in about 6 hours. its just amazing, i so was praying about being with girls. the Lord knows what i need. and he was more than happy to provide. the girls are great. theres a family of 4, and then 4 girls (2 are m* students). the only thing i need right now is a dresser/bureau. i really would like one that i can paint myself. i am currently having all my clothes in sterilite boxes and i dont like that. i need a dresser, Jesus. thanks.
so yea thats kind of what Jesus has been teaching me lately. about having this ridiculously mustard seed sized faith-- but the fact that its a tiny seed, it can produce a much bigger harvest. when we have the faith just to say, "HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS. AND HE HAS THAT MATTER IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND. HIS GREAT LOVE COVERS IT ALL AND WE CAN REST IN THE FACT THAT HE KNOWS AND HE IS TAKING CARE OF IT...." wow! wow wow wow!! what a joy!
what really has been huge lately in my life is Jesus' perfect sacrifice, this sacrifice that Abba made for us who were broken, abused, messed up, addicted to drugs, angry, alone.. he made the sacrifice for those who would never accept his perfect gift of love, too. those who outright reject JESUS, are still loved. its incredible what I have as a free gift in Jesus, yet I sometimes completely flip it around and say how much I am hated and how alone I am--- yet Jesus is completely overtaken by love for me--- He holds my world in His hands. He holds my tears in His hands even though i sometimes outright rejected Him.He CHOOSES to forget my faults and my guilt. and he still calls me His!! wow!! that truth overwhelms me to my core. i am so thankful for a merciful God who is completely and desperately in love with me, literally to the point of death!! I love that He is planning our wedding, knowing that just about anything He does will knock me off my feet! i cant wait to see Him face to face.
so anyways :) thats whats up. just the usual, ya know. work. i leave for the ANC Womans retreat in a bit less than 2 weeks and i am STOKED. completely STOKED. I dont really know what I am looking for in this but i do know that i need some beach time for real. i have been aching for a beach for about 2 years now...
Jesus, you are so good. i love you.
Monday, March 28, 2011
update!
its been nearly two months since my last blog and for that i apologize. i honestly have not really had any real motivation to blog. is that terrible?
I really have been "diggin" the message version of the Bible lately. It is just so life-transforming, i know now why it is such a huge thing in the church. it just isnt about the exact translation of the Bible.... its just so clearly contexted that it seems like its wrong translation and i think its a big source of people getting "offended" because its just such a wierd way of translating the Bible.(people, by the way, i have noticed, get way too offended by way too much and they need to calm down. wanna slap some of em.) its also one of the biggest life transforming versions of the Bible. its ridiculously easy to read.
Take, for instance, this: Psalm 46-
I love this portion of scripture. i love the phrase "God of the Angel Armies"... and most of the references to God in the Message are as that-- which made me excited when i got the Bible. God has really been just amazing me with his goodness lately. He is just so good. and so loving. i love reading this Bible and seeing JESUS in a new light and reading it as if im watching this movie about Jesus via text in a Bible. its just so awesome. God has been really talking to me alot about my identity as well lately. I got this awesome set of words back about a month ago at a conference at church. Bobby Connor said a profound word about him seeing more of my identity. it just struck me cause thats exactly what God had said to me the night before when i went through a fire tunnel (and caught on fire because i was SO HOT , i could feel steam rising off me)... God said to me, himself, "i am going to be transforming your identity." the next day, Bobby said that to me. in front of my entire church. i have been rocked since that weekend. just a few weeks ago, Bonnie (love that woman) said that she saw something else about my identity. She said that she saw my dreams that have been given up---as a seed that has fallen to the ground and that when it hits the rock, it splits and out grows my identity. amazing. so awesome. i am so thankful for her. she said to me (just a minute after telling me that word) that she prays for me every day. i can feel her prayers every day. i think about her alot. to know that she is praying for me and my family, who she knows is not here with me....wow.... and she knows me by name, which is just--wow- cause she is internationally known.... but that makes me think about how God thinks about me all the time! HE, the king of the world, creator of the universe, healer, deliverer, redeemer, protector----- thinks about me and watches me 24/7!! !WOW what a concept. makes me feel so little. i love it. God watches out for the sparrow and for his children. OH HOW HE LOVES!!
check out this song, which i just love: (JesusCulture and Chris Quilala)
God has been really speaking to me alot about IHOPKC. I need to just go pray for a few months. it has really been testing my faith too because i really want to just go pray for a few months but i literally am terrified about not being able to pay bills. i know that is the dumbest fear in the world because-- as i said, the Lord will never leave his children if HE has called them. so my fear about money is really minor in God's eyes. i have alot of bills right now so i guess i cant see past the end of my checkbook--- but i literally am scared to not work. i think its cause my dad has a huge work ethic so it is ingrained into me and its part of my DNA. at the same time, i know that it wont last forever and the only thing that really counts in the end is our relationship with God----so, as you can see, I am torn. my heart breaks when i think about the virgins with the oil lamps when Jesus said to them "i do not know you." so im really thinking. some things have opened up to me in terms of a place to live even for a couple weeks this summer. so i am thinking about it, i really am. its just a hard debate, because of said work.
i am attending a women's retreat in May, one year to the date of my joining ANC, which is just amazing. cant believe have been there as a member for a whole year. i am so excited about this women's retreat. I wanted to go last year and was almost not able to go this year but God has pretty much MADE me go. God was like "remember how bad you wanted to go last year? I want you to go this year. you need a beach retreat with women and especially with Mama. I provide for every need that you have...." well, yea, he does! it costs about $225 to go and as of right now, i am completely paid off and im READY! i did it very quickly and i am amazed at how easily i paid for it. its hard because taxes are due too so i am kind of crunched but i know it is very much worth it. i need this time. it is worth it to pay $225 to hear pastor Bonnie speak for two days. she is priceless and i am loving hearing her speak at any given time.im just really excited. i am driving 3 women in my new car (which, i did get-- the Nissan Maxima...) and im really excited to hear testimonies and get to know the women better in the church.
other than that... just family stuff is going on....brother issues but i know that God has a way where there seems to be no way at all and i am so thankful. the Lord is so good and so providing. I love what i do for work ( a christian call center,,, crazy callers but i like it overall--- and the gym, of course).
people have been asking me about potentials for marriage/dating/etc... NO. thats pretty much all i should say. the Lord has NOT said its ok. in fact, He said just the opposite.so before you go asking me if i have found a husband........ no. just no. theres no one here who God has brought, he has told me a few times that he is JEALOUS for my attention right now and that my GOAL is to be HIS LOVER. He has asked me to pursue and love HIM as if HE is the ONLY husband ill ever have.He literally asked me to do that. so, no, there is no one who is in my life in that way. a few cute little panfishies but no real catches! :) sorry, wedding planners! and, at this rate, i dont really care anyways..... just doesnt affect me anymore.
i had the women who came to visit me and kidnap me to bring me to ANC when i first started going.... BEST visit ever. love those women...... they light up my life. just such a blessed conversation, made me realize how much i miss my friends-- and btw, im going to try to go to VT this summer sometime. i hope. :)
the Lord is so good and i just love him...he continually amazes me.... and that's about the summary of THAT.....
hopefully itll be less than two months til my next post. HA. sorry, kids.
I really have been "diggin" the message version of the Bible lately. It is just so life-transforming, i know now why it is such a huge thing in the church. it just isnt about the exact translation of the Bible.... its just so clearly contexted that it seems like its wrong translation and i think its a big source of people getting "offended" because its just such a wierd way of translating the Bible.(people, by the way, i have noticed, get way too offended by way too much and they need to calm down. wanna slap some of em.) its also one of the biggest life transforming versions of the Bible. its ridiculously easy to read.
Take, for instance, this: Psalm 46-
1-3 God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.
Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.
4-6 River fountains splash joy, cooling God's city,
this sacred haunt of the Most High.
God lives here, the streets are safe,
God at your service from crack of dawn.
Godless nations rant and rave, kings and kingdoms threaten,
but Earth does anything he says.
7 Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.
8-10 Attention, all! See the marvels of God!
He plants flowers and trees all over the earth,
Bans war from pole to pole,
breaks all the weapons across his knee.
"Step out of the traffic! Take a long,
loving look at me, your High God,
above politics, above everything."
11 Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us
I love this portion of scripture. i love the phrase "God of the Angel Armies"... and most of the references to God in the Message are as that-- which made me excited when i got the Bible. God has really been just amazing me with his goodness lately. He is just so good. and so loving. i love reading this Bible and seeing JESUS in a new light and reading it as if im watching this movie about Jesus via text in a Bible. its just so awesome. God has been really talking to me alot about my identity as well lately. I got this awesome set of words back about a month ago at a conference at church. Bobby Connor said a profound word about him seeing more of my identity. it just struck me cause thats exactly what God had said to me the night before when i went through a fire tunnel (and caught on fire because i was SO HOT , i could feel steam rising off me)... God said to me, himself, "i am going to be transforming your identity." the next day, Bobby said that to me. in front of my entire church. i have been rocked since that weekend. just a few weeks ago, Bonnie (love that woman) said that she saw something else about my identity. She said that she saw my dreams that have been given up---as a seed that has fallen to the ground and that when it hits the rock, it splits and out grows my identity. amazing. so awesome. i am so thankful for her. she said to me (just a minute after telling me that word) that she prays for me every day. i can feel her prayers every day. i think about her alot. to know that she is praying for me and my family, who she knows is not here with me....wow.... and she knows me by name, which is just--wow- cause she is internationally known.... but that makes me think about how God thinks about me all the time! HE, the king of the world, creator of the universe, healer, deliverer, redeemer, protector----- thinks about me and watches me 24/7!! !WOW what a concept. makes me feel so little. i love it. God watches out for the sparrow and for his children. OH HOW HE LOVES!!
check out this song, which i just love: (JesusCulture and Chris Quilala)
God has been really speaking to me alot about IHOPKC. I need to just go pray for a few months. it has really been testing my faith too because i really want to just go pray for a few months but i literally am terrified about not being able to pay bills. i know that is the dumbest fear in the world because-- as i said, the Lord will never leave his children if HE has called them. so my fear about money is really minor in God's eyes. i have alot of bills right now so i guess i cant see past the end of my checkbook--- but i literally am scared to not work. i think its cause my dad has a huge work ethic so it is ingrained into me and its part of my DNA. at the same time, i know that it wont last forever and the only thing that really counts in the end is our relationship with God----so, as you can see, I am torn. my heart breaks when i think about the virgins with the oil lamps when Jesus said to them "i do not know you." so im really thinking. some things have opened up to me in terms of a place to live even for a couple weeks this summer. so i am thinking about it, i really am. its just a hard debate, because of said work.
i am attending a women's retreat in May, one year to the date of my joining ANC, which is just amazing. cant believe have been there as a member for a whole year. i am so excited about this women's retreat. I wanted to go last year and was almost not able to go this year but God has pretty much MADE me go. God was like "remember how bad you wanted to go last year? I want you to go this year. you need a beach retreat with women and especially with Mama. I provide for every need that you have...." well, yea, he does! it costs about $225 to go and as of right now, i am completely paid off and im READY! i did it very quickly and i am amazed at how easily i paid for it. its hard because taxes are due too so i am kind of crunched but i know it is very much worth it. i need this time. it is worth it to pay $225 to hear pastor Bonnie speak for two days. she is priceless and i am loving hearing her speak at any given time.im just really excited. i am driving 3 women in my new car (which, i did get-- the Nissan Maxima...) and im really excited to hear testimonies and get to know the women better in the church.
other than that... just family stuff is going on....brother issues but i know that God has a way where there seems to be no way at all and i am so thankful. the Lord is so good and so providing. I love what i do for work ( a christian call center,,, crazy callers but i like it overall--- and the gym, of course).
people have been asking me about potentials for marriage/dating/etc... NO. thats pretty much all i should say. the Lord has NOT said its ok. in fact, He said just the opposite.so before you go asking me if i have found a husband........ no. just no. theres no one here who God has brought, he has told me a few times that he is JEALOUS for my attention right now and that my GOAL is to be HIS LOVER. He has asked me to pursue and love HIM as if HE is the ONLY husband ill ever have.He literally asked me to do that. so, no, there is no one who is in my life in that way. a few cute little panfishies but no real catches! :) sorry, wedding planners! and, at this rate, i dont really care anyways..... just doesnt affect me anymore.
i had the women who came to visit me and kidnap me to bring me to ANC when i first started going.... BEST visit ever. love those women...... they light up my life. just such a blessed conversation, made me realize how much i miss my friends-- and btw, im going to try to go to VT this summer sometime. i hope. :)
the Lord is so good and i just love him...he continually amazes me.... and that's about the summary of THAT.....
hopefully itll be less than two months til my next post. HA. sorry, kids.
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